Page 79 of Better Day

Walking to Asha, the tears are welling, but I can’t let them break free. I repeat it in my head again, over and over, that I can do this.

I lower my lips to Eli’s cheek that is closest to me, softly touching his skin with my kiss, breathing in the smell that is my little baby. Pulling ever so slightly back, I whisper in his ear, “Mommy loves you, my little angel.” With a last kiss on his forehead, I just nod at Asha, knowing that if she talks to me or tries to hug me then the tears will be falling, and I can’t afford that.

“Bessy, come and give me a hug.” I call her to me and crouch down as she runs over, while Ghost says his goodbye to his son and gives his last instructions to Kurt.

“Have fun, Mommy. Can you bring me back a present? Uncle Kurt said that moms and dads bring back the best presents when they go on a holiday.” She has started calling them Uncle Kurt and Auntie Asha, which is adorable. They are the only ones she will ever have.

Giving her the tightest hug, I’m so grateful to Kurt for lightening the moment. All she is thinking about is what gift she is getting but has no idea what a holiday is or what she is missing out on by not leaving the house.

“We will have to remind Uncle Kurt that every time he visits us for a holiday then, won’t we, Bessy,” I hear Ghost say behind me, and he places his hand on my shoulder, letting me know it’s time.

Kissing Bessy’s cheek and forehead too, she beats me to it. “Love you, Mommy.”

I can’t stop the first tear from falling. “Love you, my princess, forever and ever.” Standing and walking straight for the door, I can’t stop. She can’t know how hard this is.

Behind me, I hear her asking the question. “Is Mommy crying? Did I make her sad?” The confusion in her voice makes me break as I stop to hold onto the open front door.

“No, princess,” Ghost tells her, “you make her the happiest person in the world. I think she just got some dirt in her eye.”

I clamp my hand over my mouth to hold in the sobs, while hearing her reply gives me relief. “Like when the wind blew that bug in my eye, and it hurt, and I cried.” So innocent but just what I needed.

“Exactly. Now be good, Bessy, for Uncle Kurt and Auntie Asha. We will call you later. Love you, Bessy.” I can’t wait any longer, walking out to the Range Rover that Kurt and Asha arrived in. Our cars are staying here for them to use because they’re set up for the kids’ seats in case they need to leave in an emergency. Ghost thinks of everything.

Climbing into the passenger seat, seatbelt on, I’m glad the windows are tinted dark so no one can see me. Not that they will bring the kids to the door, but just in case Bessy decides she wants to chase me down. Closing my eyes and dropping my head back on the headrest, I take deep slow breaths, trying to pull myself together again.

The door opens and his scent and the sound of his breathing are already encircling my senses. He gets the car started and moving, and I’m glad he understands I can’t speak and just need to put some distance between us and the kids. The vibration of the car tires on the road is a calming constant noise to drown out the deafening silence in the car. I want to talk to Ghost, but every time I open my mouth, nothing comes out. Giving up, I peel my eyes open, and I watch out the window the scenery that I haven’t seen in quite a while.

I feel Ghost’s hand on my thigh, squeezing and making the connection we need between us. I rest my hand on top of his and entwine our fingers, turning and looking at him as he lifts it up to his lips. The kiss tells me everything he can’t say, and the extra tight grip I have on his hand is my unspoken reply. It’s enough for now.

* * *

I don’t know how long we’ve been driving, but I can feel another headache coming on. I promised I would tell Ghost everything going forward. No point hiding anything now. I know he was hurt to hear all the symptoms I told Doctor McIntyre that I had been experiencing for quite a while. I was the one who made him promise no secrets, yet I’d been keeping some pretty big ones about my health. I know I should have told him, but I think part of it was that I didn’t realize until it was too late that things were changing and not for the better.

“Ghost, where did you put the Tylenol? I need some.” I don’t want it getting bad enough that it triggers another seizure.

His forehead wrinkles with a worried frown. “Do you need me to stop?” The car is already slowing.

“No, I’m okay, I just need the painkillers. I don’t want it to get worse.”

It’s like we don’t know how to act around each other. Our words are stilted and so full of stress. I hate it, but I’m not sure how to fix it. We are both dealing with our feelings on our own, which is not like us. Feelings are better shared.

He points to the glove compartment, and I open it to find the packet, and there’s an unopened water bottle in my door compartment. Swallowing the tablets, I pray they’ll take the pain away.

“We aren’t far from the airstrip where Ashton and Mason are waiting for us.” I know they have worked with Ghost for years, but meeting new people is terrifying. I have become a hermit, even though it was never by choice. Ghost must have sensed my unease. “I need you to trust me.” His voice is deeper now and full of emotion.

“With everything I am.” And I mean every word of it.

“Then that’s all I need to get you through this. If I tell you to do something, I don’t want to be questioned. Do you understand? It could be the difference between life and death.” His face is taut and his jaw clenched.

“Finally, we’re going to talk about this.” My hidden anxiety rises to the surface quickly. Not about my health but everything else around me.

“No. I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen. Very. Carefully.” Oh, I haven’t seen this Ghost in a long time, and at the worst possible time, there are parts of me that are tingling at the dominant man beside me. I shouldn’t be thinking about how hot he is when he gets all protective, but I can’t stop my libido.

“Growly Ghost is back, he’s been MIA for a while,” I say, trying not to laugh at the agitation my comment is giving him. I need to break this stale air between us. I can’t deal with it. It’s just not us.

“Cassie!” There is no joking.

“Right, got it! Yes, sir, I’m listening.” I offer a mock salute, like he is my captain of this two-person army.

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