Page 29 of Defining Us

“That was amazing, beautiful. God, what have you done to me, Nat?”

Shit, now I’m screwed.

Literally.

ChapterSix

NATALIE

My mind racing and my body shaking, the emotions are too much. I can feel water building in my eyes. I don’t know why but I feel like crying right now.

Jordan lies down next to me and pulls me into his side, his arm wrapped tight around me and then the blanket pulled up on top of us to stop us from getting too cold. It’s like we are wrapped in a cocoon. I want to say that there is so much heat burning off both our bodies I doubt that getting cold will be a problem, but right now, talking is a little difficult.

I want to jump up and scream to the world that I’m no longer a virgin. Like it’s a massive achievement. But the reality is I’m not that sort of girl. Even if I had a best friend, it’s not something I would share with her. I’m praying that Jordan will respect me and keep it to himself too.

Then there is the whole problem of Jordan!

The guy who I promised I could handle sleeping with.

We both know that’s total crap. I’m lying here freaking out right now. I’m worried that it will wreck our friendship and that Xavier will find out and that will be the end of the two of them being buddies.

However, my biggest problem is that if I thought I loved Jordan before, suddenly I’m realizing that was just a mere infatuation. Now I’ve got this feeling of something far deeper inside my gut that isn’t going away. This can’t be happening. He is about to start an important and pivotal part of his life, and I can’t be the one to hold him back. No matter what people say, a long-distance relationship would never work for us. It would kill me to see him not living his life because he was sitting in his dorm room listening to me on the phone tell him about my classes that day. We both know I’m not one to venture out and have a big adventure. Moving to college will involve studying, making a few friends hopefully, but avoiding the party scene, and I will never be the girl who wants to sleep her way through college.

“Nat, what are you thinking about?” Jordan’s voice is gentle but with a hint of determination.

I want to scream all the things that are in my head, but I can’t. That’s unfair for him to take on my messed-up feelings. That’s not what I asked for.

“Don’t push me away, talk to me about how you feel, Nat. That was something pretty big in your life.”

“Just in mine? I thought there were two of us here,” I snap at Jordan way more than he deserves. I take a deep breath and hold it in for a moment to try to get my thoughts straight. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right. Just trying to process what we just did. Are you okay? I mean, you don’t regret it, do you? I know it probably wasn’t very good.” Trying to hide my real thoughts is making me babble stupid things.

Before I have time to say anything else, Jordan is moving us. We roll in our little cocoon, with him on top of me now pinning me down.

“Stop right there!” Never has he spoken so forcefully to me. “Let’s get some facts straight. I will never regret being with you. What we just did then, it means so much to me. You must have felt that too. I know it was your first time, but I’ll be honest and say, in a way, it felt like my first time too.”

“Yeah, right,” I mumble.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make this seem a small thing for either of us. Believe me when I tell you that it doesn’t feel like that normally. As much as you’re feeling all crazy, so am I. You can’t tell me that wasn’t something special.” It might be dark out here, but in the light of the full moon and the fireflies, I can see Jordan’s eyes pinned on me. He means everything he’s saying.

I want to be able to say no, I didn’t feel a thing and it was just the excitement of losing my virginity, but I can’t do that to him.

My honest feelings just start coming out.

“It was a moment that I’ll never forget. I’m so glad I got to feel that with you. But we both know that this is a one-off. It can’t happen again.” I lift my hand and stroke his cheek. The roughness of the stubble on his face contrasts with the smooth skin on his back where I’m clinging to every single moment I get to touch him.

“I’m thankful it was with you. You gave me a gift that I will always treasure.” I want him to know I really mean it and I’m not just saying what he wants to hear, but I can tell he’s worrying.

“Why have I got the feeling that you don’t even want to talk about what we both know is true? What has been going on between us since that kiss has just exploded, and I’m not sure I can put the lid back on the jar.” Jordan slides off me to lie on his back beside me. He is just as confused as I am.

My heart is hurting knowing what I must do but also for what I’ve done to Jordan. I should have listened when he warned me things would change afterward. Stupid me was so naive and sure that I had this all under control.

“We are just friends, Jordan, and that’s all we will ever be. I’m not looking for anything more and neither should you. In three days, you’re leaving, and your life is going to change. You won’t be this Jordan anymore. You will be training so hard and there won’t be any time for a life outside of that. Well, not if you’re serious about making the NFL, that is. It’s what you want, isn’t it?” I take his hand in mine so at least I still have a connection to him as we both lie looking up into the stars.

“You know it is. But why can’t I have both, you and the NFL?” His hand squeezes mine that little bit tighter. We both know that neither of us wants to let go, but really, there is no other alternative.

“Because in real life we know it won’t work. Admit it, Jordan, it’ll just be too hard.”

His groan says it all.

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