Page 35 of The Wrong Man

Winter was just around the corner, and Thanksgiving was approaching. Every moment I wasn’t with Essa was torture, but I tried to focus on growing up. It didn’t come naturally to me, being responsible and mature. Adon wanted to teach me, but I was learning how to adult on my own.

Maybe it was better that way. Most lessons stuck with me only if I experienced them first-hand. Life had been hard, but I kept breaking through barriers, just like when I was in the weight room. The only way to gain muscle was to push harder, lift more.

Essa was my muse. She was inspiring me to sign up for college courses for the spring semester. I considered earning an associate’s degree in business or accounting. If I applied myself, maybe people would see me as a true office manager and not just Adon’s little brother.

Watching Essa study for her classes was motivational. I wanted to be better for her. She deserved everything, and I wanted to be the one to give it to her. Be the man she needed.

Tate sauntered into my office while I was scanning the internet, trying to figure out how much tuition would be for Northview University. Dusty black work boots propped up on the desk after he took a seat in the guest chair.

“I hope Thanksgiving this year is not at Rhodes’s. I can’t take one more minute with that cunt,” he said.

“I feel ya.” My neck tensed thinking about Rhodes taking her back once again, but the day after the party, she came back, and they made up. Essa and I were tucked in my bed when we heard the unfortunate reunion above us. “I thought they were finally finished on Halloween.”

“I think I can talk Adon into hosting. Odin and Avery would like that.” He rubbed an apple on his jumpsuit to polish it before taking a bite.

In the past, I never looked forward to holidays. They never felt like the family affair the commercials made them out to be. Back in my teenage years and early twenties, I’d forget the day, or would show up late to the party. Usually, I’d be high as a kite until Adon would scream at me while Rhodes would try to help me with withdrawals.

Now that I was with Essa, I couldn’t wait to have her over for family celebrations. It was like we would both be experiencing these new life events together, and that made me feel whole inside. We were forming our own family.

As if he could read my mind, Tate’s face became serious. Furrowing his brow, he said, “You know, kid. I’m proud of you. What’s it been, six months since you got out?”

“About five.”

“Five months, whatever. You’re working hard here. You’ve stayed clean. You got a great girl, too, by the way. I’m envious.”

“Tell all that to Adon.” My brother was reluctant to admit he was pleased with my work, almost as if he would cause me to relapse if he paid me a compliment.

“Adon cares about you. You know that,” Tate said. I shrugged. He got quiet and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his thighs. Looking down at the half-eaten apple in his hands, he spoke to the ground. “He sent me there that night…Thenight.” His green eyes narrowed as he looked at me. “He wanted me to go check on you. He’d had enough. He knew you wouldn’t come to him, so he sent me to try to pick you up.”

My head tilted to the side. Tate tried to get me that night? “Wh-what happened? Why didn’t you?”

“I was sitting in my car across from that little blue house. Dix always had a big mouth. He told me right where it was. I watched him come running out of a neighbor’s house across the street from where you were. Figured he was poking some lady there or somethin’. He jumped in Davis’s car parked down the street and took off around the corner.”

“Where was Davis? Kara?” I said her name quietly, respectfully.

“I don’t know. I didn’t see them.” He paused. “Uh, I did seeyou, though. You came stumbling out of the side of the house and into the backyard. I swear I went to get you, Eli, but the cops showed up before I could. And I-I took off.”

Tate dropped his head in silent defeat. When he looked up again, his eyes were glassy. “I’m so fucking sorry, Eli. I should have grabbed you before they did. I apologized to Adon, but I fucked up. I should have been there for you, and I wasn’t. I’ve been carrying this guilt around for seven years. I didn’t know how to be around you. I’m so fucking sorry, man.”

My overwhelming guilt eroded my throat until a lump formed that I was unable to swallow back. I felt horrible for making Tate carry that burden. Maybe he could have saved me, but it was unlikely. “Tate, this isn’t your fault. I’m the fuck-up. I should never have been there in the first place. This isn’t on you at all. It’s not Adon’s fault. It’s nobody’s fault but mine.” But, his story did make me wonder. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I just felt too bad to let you know. I was afraid you’d never forgive me.”

Sadness consumed me thinking about everything I had lost that night. Not just Kara, but my years of time, memories I could have made, almost my future… It wasn’t just my own life that I’d fucked up. With Tate’s confession, I realized I had negatively affected so many of my friends’ and family’s lives, too. “As I said, man, there’s nothing to forgive.”

He nodded, but didn’t speak, his lips drawn in a tight line. Walking around the desk, I slapped him on the back with a flat palm.

“Now get back out there. Your break’s over.” He snorted, but got up and left the room.

Spinning slowly in my chair, I let my head hang, then forcefully rubbed my fingers into my scalp. I hadn’t thought of that night in a few weeks. Even my nightmares had abated. Essa’s sunshine had kept those clouds away. Now that I was alone in my office, the shame fed on my soul once again.

She didn’t deserve this. Me, being a loathsome creature. I’d been faking being a good man, pretending I could be her boyfriend. Like I was just some regular guy.

A whiskey. That’s what my tongue thought of when I was feeling this way. A familiar sensation tingled in my mouth, a vivid recollection of times past, and my tastebuds watered at the thought. Instead, I texted my girl.

Going to be late tonight

Essa

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