Page 36 of Island Homecoming

“And yet you’re still struggling.”

“I am.” She peeked up at him and realized he wasn’t quaking under the weight of her admission. She leaned back on her elbows and tipped her face to the night sky. “There are protocols for these events. More now than ever. Psych evals and mandatory counseling. Weapons refresher courses and qualifications. Desk duty through it all.” She sighed. “I was cleared to return to duty and I thought it was great. I put on my uniform and felt better. But the gun… I did fine on a controlled range. But just walking into the station with the weapon in the holster… I couldn’t make myself do it.”

This was too much. She should stop now. She shouldn’t inundate him with the minutiae.

“You’re carrying a gun now.”

“I am. I tried to avoid it, but Caldwell insisted the gun went with the task. And he’s right. I even pulled it the other night at the nursery.”

“For me?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe I was rushing myself after all.”

He hummed, his knee touching hers. “Who did you shoot?”

A sob caught in her throat. “My friend’s cousin.”There. She’d said it out loud. To Nash. Tears blurred her view of the clear night. “He hated her. She’s one of the best people in the world and he hated her.”

“You saved her.”

She nodded, words beyond her for the moment.

He pulled her into his arms and let her cry it out.

When she subsided, he waited, letting the ocean’s lullaby soothe her.

“Do you still want to be a cop?”

“I really don’t know,” she admitted. The words felt terrible but she had never been able to lie to Nash. “I guess that’s the problem. Who am I without that?”

“One of the finest people I know,” he said.Here, she believed it. Believed him. And though she knew her eyes were puffy and her throat was sore, she felt like herself. Her best self. Light and free. As if happiness could be real for her again.

Resting her head on his shoulder, hope rippled through her. She could find her footing, be strong and proactive about her future, wherever it might lead. All because Nash listened.

“Thank you, Nash.”

He snuggled her close, pressed a kiss to her hair. “You’re welcome.”

Chapter 11

Thenextmorning,thebandage over her eyebrow came off in the shower. Jess smiled as she threw it away and carefully blotted the area around the small wound. It probably wouldn’t even bruise, but her heart felt soft, thinking of Nash’s careful touch.

Dressed in cut-off shorts and a tank top for her day off, she resisted the urge to call it a beach day and dug into some chores around the house. The beach would be there when she was done. Maybe she’d bike down to the nursery and say hello to Mr. Billings. She hadn’t talked to Nash’s parents in ages.

She probably owed them an apology too, though they’d never expressed any anger toward her about her foolish doubts about their son. How hard could it be?

Her cell phone chimed and she checked the text message. Gamble and Swann wanted to video conference with her as soon as possible.

Great. That couldn’t possibly be good news. If things were going well, wouldn’t they just call? Speculating about it wouldn’t give her any answers, so she reviewed the time slots. She was about to make her choice when she hesitated.

This wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have at home where her mom could overhear and misinterpret something. Donna was no snoop, but she wasn’t an idiot either. Jess had been doing her best to fend off her mother’s natural concerns about why she’d come home and why she’d immediately joined the protection detail at the warehouse.

Although Donna was an expert listener, known for her compassion, Jess couldn’t justify dumping out all the things going on in her head. Police work hadn’t been her mother’s favorite career path for her only child. If Jess admitted all her qualms about carrying a weapon, she’d have to share the catalyst as well.

Bad enough she’d dumped her emotional baggage on Nash. She wasn’t doing that to her mom.

Yes, sharing the burden was a healthy decision. She’d learned that through several talks with the KWPD psychiatrist before and after the shooting. Jess couldn’t point to a specific moment during her mandatory time off when things had shifted. She’d only been able to articulate that something deep inside kept blocking her and derailing her plan to return to the KWPD.

Unfortunately, being home hadn’t brought the results and improvements she’d hoped for. Although she might blame it on carrying a weapon for the protection detail, she was self-aware enough to understand it was more about this persistent resistance and hesitation inside herself.

---