Page 114 of Alive At Night

“For dinner?” I whispered back. “Pasta.”

“And did you eat all of it?” His eyes wandered my face, ready to detect any signs of a lie.

“Most of it.”

Julian’s lips curved slightly. “That’s my girl.”

My girl.

I wanted it. I wanted to be someone’s girl, but mostly, I wanted to be Julian’s girl. I wanted this fierceness of his and the tender way he held me when we shared a bed. I wanted to talk to him about my books and tell him what I had eaten for dinner. I wanted him to fix my hair when it wasn’t right and dance with me when I felt lonely.

But he thought all of those things were abad idea.

And yet, here we were.

“Julian, what’s happening?” It was a good thing he was so close because I could only seem to make my words so loud. “What is this?”

I worried his answer would break me, but I also worried that not asking would break me more.

“It’s nothing new,” he confessed, his jaw continuing to clench angrily even though his eyes were soft and imploring. “Not for me. I spent so many years pushing you away because of it, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Juni.” His apology was marred by a curse beneath his breath. “But you have to understand what it was like.”

“Whatwhatwaslike?”

“You were everywhere, Juniper.” His voice scraped my soul. “Every time I turned the corner, you werethere.Your stacks of books, that perfume, clothes—all over my house. Everywhere, all the time. Such a goddamn tease. Because even though you were there, you hated me. And even if you didn’t, I couldn’t have you.”

My head swam with his words. Unbelievable, world-altering words. But somehow, I managed a reply.

“I only hated you because of how you made me feel. You were the only one who never accepted me, who didn’t consider me welcome. All I wanted was more family to call my own.”

I loved my parents to no end, but being an only child grew lonely sometimes. The chaos, the connectivity of the Briggs family…it drew me in and held me tight.

“I know.” His face screwed up. “And I didn’t know how to give you what you wanted, Juniper. Because it didn’t feel like we could be…that. Not with how I wanted you.” He sighed. “Do you remember the car accident you and Gemma were in?”

“Of course I do.” How could I forget when he brought it up so frequently? When he’d never let me forget the moment that seemed like the breaking point between us. “You were so mad at me. Because of what happened to Gemma—”

He shook his head before piercing me with a look so intense that my breath vanished. “No. I was so mad because ofyou.”

“Me?”

“My sister was lying in the hospital bed, and I couldn’t stop obsessing overyou. Over what could have happened toyou. I love Gemma to no end, but you—you, Juni…” He grasped my face between both of his hands. “I felt so guilty. About all of it. Those feelings didn’t feel fair to Gemma. They didn’t feel fair to you because I knew what you wanted, and it wasn’tthat. I was mad; you’re right. I was mad at all of it, and after that, I pushed you so far away until I couldn’t feelyouanymore, and instead, all I felt wasanger. That was what I held on to in the end.”

I was wrong. In his own twisted way, Julian did protect me from himself. He just didn’t realize it wasn’t necessary. And it was futile.

Because here we were.

“Being around you these last few months, Juniper…” He closed his eyes momentarily, seeming nearly remorseful. His hands fell back to his sides. “It’s like little pieces of you are coming back to me. And it’s not that I’m realizing how much I want you. I’mrememberingit. Bit by bit, I’m remembering it. Even though I tried really fucking hard to hold on to the anger, I just couldn’t.”

“Why, Julian?” I shook my head, practically speechless. “I don’t want you to feel that way anymore. I don’t want that for us.”

“Because I thought it was better for you, Juni. And for my family.”

“It isn’t,” I insisted. “It isn’t what’s better.”

I was so sure of that. I was so sure that we could live in a world where Julian and I didn’t hate each other, and I was so sure we could do it in a way that didn’t disrupt any relationships, not with work, not with Gemma or any of his other sisters. If things didn’t work between us, the worst-case scenario was reverting back to what it was before: arguments, hurt hearts, and irritation. And we would survive. We would exist.

I had a feeling we could live, though.

“I know that now,” Julian admitted, leaving me speechless. “It’s not better. It’s awful, Juni. It’s awful because I want you so badly. I want you more than I know how to explain. And I can’t…anymore. I can’t.”

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