Page 8 of White Horizons

Cora glances at me, and as our eyes lock, mine begin to water. Tears are filling my eyes as he sings about shared dreams, photo albums filled with life and memories, and a love that feels warm and content like a Sunday afternoon.

I’ve never given much thought to love languages, but with the way he’s making me feel, I’m wondering if I missed the mark completely on myself and words of affirmation just might be mine. Words . . . words with so much truth, love, and meaning. We all know Clay doesn’t speak a lot, and right now, with this song, he’s giving them the most wonderful gift of all. With these words, he’s giving them himself, and even though it’s not for me, in a way it feels like it is; it’s for all of us here at this wedding. As I have that thought, that’s when I realize Justin has never made me feel this way.

Oh, Justin.

My insides die a little as I think about how far we’ve veered off track. Because this can’t be it, can it? Rushed weekends, unfulfilled promises, unlimited breaks, and blank apologies. I don’t want that. Cora is right; I do deserve more. I deserve Sunday afternoons, and in this moment, under the haze of Clay’s sincere emotions, I realize I don’t want this with Justin anymore.

I tried. I did. But no more.

And with that decision, the elephant that’s been sitting on my chest and weighing me down, it gets up and walks off. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I can breathe.

He squeezes my hand again, but I can’t return it. I can’t even look at him. Having Clay and Justin both in the same place at the same time is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I’ve done the thing people do when they don’t share their everyday lives together: I’ve compartmentalized. I’ve created two lives, one with Justin and one without. It’s been that way for so long it’s become my normal, but here, seeing them just a few feet apart, it’s breaking me.

I just want Clay.

Only, he doesn’t want me.

Eventually the song comes to an end, and everyone stands to applaud. Avery is crying, and Ash looks so moved. Everyone under this tent one hundred percent feels what these two friends mean to each other. Ash meets Clay as he steps off the stage, and the embrace the two of them share doesn’t leave a dry eye in the place.

Justin leans forward. “That was incredible, don’t you think?” he asks.

I still can’t turn to look at him, just mumbling in agreement and watching as Clay wraps his arms around Avery. I know what it’s like to be in those arms, and I want to be there too.

This can’t go on.

He has to talk to me. I need him to talk to me.

The band announces that it’s time for the bride and groom to have their first dance, and as they make their way to the center of the dance floor, Clay’s gaze cuts my way for just a second as he heads back to his table. When I say a second, I mean it’s only that and nothing more. He may as well have been looking around at any of the guests today as there was not a single bit of acknowledgment in that glance.

A spark of anger flares inside me. I don’t want to be angry at him; after all, we’re at Ash and Avery’s wedding, but after that song and what he said about finding someone to love him . . . that could have been me. Then I remember we’re in this situation because of me. But didn’t I mean something to him? I was there that night. I know the difference between being with someone for the fun of it and being with someone because you’re emotionally invested. He was invested. The way his hands and mouth worshiped me, the way his touch and movements were thoughtful and reverent, the way he wrapped himself around me all night like he couldn’t stand to be away from me—I didn’t make those things up, yet now I’m starting to wonder if I did.

I should have tried harder to talk to him after New York. I’m certain he felt like I stood him up. He did come to the city to see me, but I texted to let him know something unexpected came up and I would miss seeing him that day. I apologized, and trust me when I say it pained me more than it did him to miss the opportunity. I wanted to see him, desperately so, but then Justin was just there. I’ve given so much of myself to this relationship with him over the years, I’ve worked so hard at being loyal and sacrificing for him, but with each day that passes, I feel more and more like a soda that’s been shaken. At any minute, the lid is going to burst off, and I’m going to erupt everywhere in complete chaos.

The lead singer of the band’s voice cuts through my thoughts, pulling me back in, and I realize I’ve missed Avery’s whole dance. They’re smiling at each other, so happy and so in love, and while I should be enjoying her special day, selfishly I’m not. Yes, I’m so happy for them, but I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown and I’m about to blow up my very stable and secure life.

“At this time, the bride and groom invite the best man and the maid of honor to join them on the dance floor.”

As all the guests’ eyes shift our way, my eyes immediately dart to Avery.

She glances my way as her head is lying on Ash’s shoulder, and she gives me a conspiratorial smile. I know she thinks pushing us together might be a good thing, but I can assure you it’s not. I haven’t said much to her about him, but she knows we aren’t talking. In fact, I think everyone knows, but again that’s not my choice. It’s his. I try to keep my expression neutral, but at whatever she sees, her smile slips away.

“Cora?” At the sound of his voice, my head whips around to find Clay standing next to our table. Yes, I saw him up close during the ceremony, but the moment felt so surreal I didn’t take the time to appreciate how well he wears a black tux. Styled hair, wide shoulders, arms wrapped in black with white cuffs sticking out, a broad chest that’s perfect to hug, long legs, shiny shoes, an orange calla lily pinned to his chest. He looks delicious, and he looks like someone who was almost mine.

My heart cracks in half.

And then he holds out his hand for Cora, a hand that at one time memorized every inch of me, and she glances between us, confused.

“Emma has a dance partner, so I thought for this dance, you could be mine.” He gives her a lopsided smile, one I haven’t seen in almost a year, and my insides weep.

She glances between me and him one more time then politely accepts. She slides her hand into his, and my weeping insides seize up with longing. I know Clay isn’t the type of guy she would normally go for, but then again, she might change her mind, and I think I would die.

“Looks like we’re up,” Justin says, pushing back his chair and standing. Going through the motions, I feel like a robot as I do the same. He takes my hand, and together we walk to the dance floor where we join Ash and Avery, and Clay and Cora.

My ears are buzzing, my eyes are burning, and it’s hard to breathe. What is wrong with me right now? I’ve been around Clay plenty of times over the last year, and I’ve never had a reaction like this. As for Justin, we’ve danced together countless times, so this should feel like second nature, only it doesn’t. I feel awkward and most definitely like I’m with the wrong person.

This is terrible.

Justin pulls me into his arms, and over his shoulder I can’t help but watch Clay. Not once does he glance my way, and this hurts way more than it should. It has to be me. I must have built us up in my mind to be more than what we were, but what does it tell me that I’m thinking about another guy more than my boyfriend?

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