Page 86 of Memories of Me

"Okay."

The street we lived on was serene. All the bungalows had cute white picket fences around them. I stopped at a house with vines of blooming forget-me-not flowers. On several occasions I had seen an older woman gardening out front, but she was absent today.

"I know today is hard, but maybe we can finally say goodbye and—”

I stopped and dropped his arm. "And what? Forget?"

"No, no, Bay. Not forget. Just…move on. None of them are coming back, but we are still here. We can try for another baby."

And there it was. The only words I had been dreading for him to utter. "I can't, Brandt," I said softly as I hung my head and watched a grouping of ants fight over a crumb of food.

"I didn't mean now, but one day. When we're both ready." He caressed my shoulder gently.

I should have told him I didn't want to try again. That I couldn't go through that again, but it didn't matter. It wouldn't matter after tonight, and I was trying to give him a different Baylor today, so I didn't say anything.

"I love you, Bay. No matter what. I'm never leaving you." He raised my chin and kissed me on the lips carefully, and this time I not only let him, but I also gave some back. He smiled and took my arm again. I had given him a false glimmer of hope, but he deserved it. Today he deserved more because tomorrow…tomorrow would be hard.

He plucked a bundle of the flowers and handed them to me. "Let's take some home."

I took them and stared deeply into the yellow centers that shone brightly like the sun. The center of these flowers signified brightness within the deep sea of blue that surrounded it. I wondered why someone named them forget-me-not. Did they have a secret power of hidden memories? Or was it simply because they were so eye-catching you couldn't forget them? Probably the latter.

"You okay?" Brandt caressed my arm with his thumb.

"Yeah." My typical diversion to reality had swept me up again.

We headed back to the house. Grady was already gone, and it was close to dinnertime. I sat down on the couch as Brandt put the flowers into a vase and searched the fridge for food. I watched the gentle sway of his hips as he shifted back and forth. I swooned over those hips once upon a time. Maybe one more time.

"There isn't much to eat. I haven't been to the store in a few days. We could go out? Or just get takeout?"

Without a word, I stood up and walked over to him, shutting the fridge door and tracing the smooth curve of his jawline. The swirling combination of hazel and green of his eyes had faded over the past year, losing the luster that had me in awe the first time I met him. He grabbed my wrist.

"Bay, we don't have to…"

I covered his lips with mine. I knew if he spoke I wouldn't follow through with this, and I owed him at least this. His lips were hot on mine, and as soon as he relinquished to the moment, he grabbed the back of my neck and pushed back on my mouth hungrily, his fingers tangled in my hair. He backed me against the fridge and lifted me so I could wrap my legs around his waist. I wanted to feel the passion he was feeling. I wanted my skin to tingle and my pulse to quicken. I would have given anything to feel that again, but I didn't. Not because I didn't love him. Not because I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It was the opposite. I loved him so much I had built an iron wall around my heart to keep it protected from any more loss, but the price was high, and the sacrifice resulted in detachment.

He carried me to the couch, lying on top of me. He brushed a few loose strands of hair off my face.

"We're going to be okay," he said softly.

I managed a small smile. He kissed my lips again and then trailed the kisses down my jaw to my neck. I turned my head to redirect a tear that trickled down my cheek and found refuge in the couch cushion. One tear. That was all I would allow tonight.

One tear.

He took care with me, being tender and slow. I was frail mentally, but physically I was worse, and he knew it. After we made love, we shared the couch, wrapped in each other's limbs.

"So, back to dinner." He laughed.

"Takeout is fine. Would you mind if I stayed here and showered?"

He hesitated, but then kissed my head and sat up. "Sure. Will you be all right for a little bit?"

I felt guilty for giving him the “I'm an adult” glare, but I needed to be alone and that was a rarity these days.

"I'll just get something from the restaurant really quick."

"Sounds good." I hadn't moved. I watched as he dressed, memorizing every inch of him. He bent over, kissing me on the forehead.

"I'll be right back." He grabbed the keys off the counter. "Oh, and Bay, I have a surprise for you tomorrow."

---