Page 26 of Memories of Me

"I think it's important that you know what happened to you, but I think it's more important that we get the help you need to ensure it doesn't happen again."

I looked up at her, confused. What did she mean 'happen again'? "I don't understand."

She looked at Brandt as if his approval was needed. Approval from someone I had just met.

His eyes met mine. "No matter what."

The tears were already building in my eyes. "What did I do?" I choked out.

After a long pause, Dr. Surai spoke up, "You were admitted as a suicide attempt."

The air rushed out of me, and all the sounds in the room ceased.

I tried to focus on what she said.

I tried to remember before that morning I woke up in the hospital.

I tried to breathe.

I had done this to myself. I was the reason I couldn't remember. I had tried to kill myself. "Why?" My hands were trembling and my words were shaky. Unsure.

She stared at me blankly, so I turned my attention to Brandt and asked again, "Why?" This time the tears had escaped, and I was sobbing.

He took my head and buried it into his chest. All I could do was cry, and all he could do was comfort me, and all the doctor could do was wait. Wait until I had time to process the unfathomable.

When there was nothing left in me, I slowly peeled myself from Brandt and wiped away the last of my tears. "How? How did I do it?"

"Pills and drowning."

"Oh my…" I shook my head and clutched my stomach for some sense of stability. "Who found me?"

"We don't know. You were thrown into the arms of a technician leaving the night shift."

How could someone just leave me? "I don't understand. Someone just left me?"

"You were barely alive when you came to us. It was a miracle you survived, but we had to induce a coma because of the swelling in your brain. You had a large contusion on the back of your head, probably from a fall resulting from the drugs.”

As she continued talking, her voice became distant and fuzzy, and all I could concentrate on was that I had tried to take my own life and the memory of the man. I had so many questions, but no one had any answers for me.

"Hey." Brandt nudged me.

I looked up and saw the doctor staring at me.

"I know this is hard to process, but I think it's really important you see a psychiatrist," she advised.

"I would never…I could never…" I couldn't finish. I had…I had tried to kill myself, and just because I didn't have my memories, didn't mean I didn't have it in me to try again.

"We'll make sure she sees one right away," Brandt spoke up.

Everything was happening so fast. The only world I knew for the last few days was spinning out of control, and I didn't know how to stop it. "Will my memories ever return?"

"I’m hopeful, but it's on the psychological realm and not something I specialize in. That's why it's really important for you to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. It's a good sign that you already remembered something.”

She stood up, grabbed a piece of paper, and handed it to me. "She's a good doctor. If anyone can help you, she can. I already filled her in on your case, so she's expecting you."

I took the paper. "Thank you."

Brandt helped me up, and I walked out of the office hidden in the protection of his embrace. What did he think of me now? I was a nut case who had tried to kill herself. I gave Grady and him less than twenty-four hours to kick me out of their house…and their lives.

---