Page 1 of Memories of Me

What’s in a Name?

MY HANDS WEREsoaked with blood and screams filled my head. It was too dark to see where I was, but my body hurt and I was trembling. Then more screams startled me and that was when I realized they were my own. I closed my eyes and begged myself to wake up because now I was falling and I was afraid to hit the ground.

My eyes shot open and I struggled between the fogginess in my head and the fluorescent light beaming down on me. A dull ache pressed behind my eyes and an uncomfortable pain throbbed in my lower back. I tried to sit up but had zero strength, opting for rolling my head to the side, and glared at the machines next to me, their redundant beeping sounds finally penetrating my daze. My pulsed raced as soon as I saw the IV in my arm and realized I was in the hospital. I tried to remember what put me here, but there was nothing. I couldn’t even remember my name. Panic shook through me.

"Nurse?" I called calmly at first, my throat dry and scratchy. There was no response. "Nurse!" The terrified scream left my lips and projected through the hallways, prompting loud, rushed footsteps to resonate closer and closer until a sweet, frumpy redheaded nurse appeared around the curtain. Her eyes widened when she saw me.

"You're awake." She tried to steady her stunned voice. She raced to my side and checked the monitors robotically. "You're awake," she repeated, a smile now illuminating her rosy cheeks.

"Yes.” What an odd reaction, I thought. “Can you please tell me why I’m here?"

She avoided eye contact and said, "I'll get the doctor," as she sped out of the room and returned with a tall, beautiful woman with jet-black, long hair and chocolate skin.

"Hi, how are you feeling?" She approached the side of the bed calmly and checked the monitors as the nurse had done. She grabbed my chart and jotted something down.

"My back hurts. I need to stretch."

"That's probably a good idea, but I need to examine you first, if that's okay?"

She was being cautiously sweet, which should have been comforting, but it wasn’t. I could tell they were being careful. The nurse stood behind her, fiddling with her fingers as she watched us anxiously.

"Do you know why you are here?" The doctor stepped closer to my side and smiled.

I searched my memories, but I couldn't come up with anything. I shook my head, my chest constricting and my throat burning. I pinched my lips together to hold back the tears.

"Let's start with a more basic question. Do you know your name?"

I shook my head again.

The doctor glanced to the nurse, giving her a look I couldn’t see, and the nurse left in response, cracking the door.

"You suffered a pretty serious head injury, so that's not completely unexpected. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Usually, patients begin to regain their memories shortly after an accident."

An accident? I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the memories back, but all I saw were flashes of me as a child, but all indiscernible.

"Do you know my name?" I asked.

Shuffling in the hallway drew our attention. I heard the nurse and a man’s distraught voice filtering through the door.

"I'll be right back." The doctor exited, closing the door behind her.

My eyes darted around the room, hoping for a clue, but it was empty. No flowers or cards. No blankets on a chair where someone might have been sleeping until I woke. There were just machines and beeps, and miles of white.

My tailbone was throbbing uncomfortably. I tried to shift to my side, but it didn’t ease the discomfort. I needed to walk around and rub it out. Struggling, I peeled the sheets off my body. I was so weak I had to use my arms to push my legs over the side. This couldn’t be normal. Why was it so hard to move?

I rested for a moment, looking down at the floor, contemplating if this was the smartest idea, but my back hurt so badly, and my legs felt numb. Everything felt…dead. I shimmied my butt off the bed and held firmly onto the sheets as my toes touched the cold linoleum. As I pushed myself off, I realized I had made a huge mistake, because my knees buckled, and I crashed to the floor, writhing in pain. I heard the door swing open, and the nurse and doctor ran in to find me in a crumpled heap on the other side of the bed.

"Janice, get one side, and I'll get the other.” Then she addressed me, “Are you hurt?"

They lifted me back onto the bed. Was I hurt? Yes, I was hurt. I didn't know who I was, and I just fell off the bed, but more than that, I was terrified. What if I had been paralyzed in the accident? What if I couldn’t walk? What if I was already like this and had just forgotten?

"What's wrong with me? I don't understand." I choked on my fear.

The nurse quickly tucked me back into bed, checked my IV, and then left me alone with the doctor again. She said a lot, but very little at the same time. She told me someone brought me in, but they didn't catch a name, and that I had been in a coma for a little over four weeks. I tried to focus on every word, but it was hard between the panic and the fog in my head. She said my muscles were weak from lack of movement, even with the assistance of a physical therapist who visited daily to help prevent degeneration. She was going to order rehab for me to regain my strength, and as soon as I was strong enough, I could be released.

"Released where?" I was perplexed. Where would I go if no one had claimed me? It had been a month, after all. Surely someone would have found me by now if they were looking.

"I'm optimistic that by then your memories will have returned."

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