Page 44 of Tapped

Me – I’m sorry. Is Chase okay?

Evita – Yes. My mom is keeping him so busy, he doesn’t even want to talk to me. He’s great.

Me – But you’re not.

Evita – That’s not a question.

Me – You just confirmed it.

Evita - This house is just really big and quiet when I’m home alone. I’m not used to being here by myself. Chase is always here. And I can’t stop looking outside to see if the damn security guard is awake.

It’s my turn to go silent.

I should tell her she’ll be fine. What are the odds of her family hiring two shit security guards in a row with all that money?

I should turn off my damn phone and get a decent night’s sleep.

Evita – Sorry. I’ll leave you alone. It’s Friday night. You’re probably busy doing fun and fabulous single people things.

That gets my attention.

Me – Ouch. Why do you assume I’m single?

Evita – Shit. Sorry.

Evita – Dammit. Now I made it awkward.

I should stop. Let her off the hook.

But I’m me.

Me – Why do I have to be the single one?

Evita – OMG. That’s not what I meant. I’m going to go now.

Me – You’re not going anywhere. I went to a funeral today, and I do not do funerals. This is just getting interesting. What’s wrong with me?

Evita – There’s nothing wrong with you. Seriously, I’m so sorry. And embarrassed.

Me - You’re the one who’s married. It would only be awkward if you were hitting on me. Right?

Evita – I swear, I’m not hitting on you. I wouldn’t know how to hit on anyone. This is mortifying. I’m going to go, and you’ll never hear from me again.

Me – If you go quiet on me, I’ll be forced to drive over there to make sure you haven’t been unalived because your security fell asleep on the job again.

Evita – That’s not funny.

She’s right. That’s not funny, but the rest of this is.

It’s really fucking funny.

Me – Neither is assuming I’m single. Seriously, I need to know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I need to hit the gym harder. Am I letting myself go?

Evita – No! That’s not it at all. You’re in great shape.

Me – I’ve been working chest and arms. You must be a legs and ass woman. I’ll work on that.

Evita – Holy shit, Micah. I’m not a legs or an ass woman! I’m not an anything woman. I offended you. I’m so sorry. This conversation needs to end, or I’ll die of humiliation.

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