Page 87 of His Sinful Need

It takes me a moment, but I manage to gently push him away, my confusion mirrored in Van’s eyes. “V-van,” I stammer, struggling to find the right words. “What the hell, man? I thought you werestraight.”

“I did, too. Because it was—it was easier,” he admits, his voice pleading. “It was always easier. Playing straight, lying about that to myself, meant I could ignore my feelings for you. But I—I can’t ignore them anymore. I don’twantto.”

“Van, I…” I trail off, unsure of how to respond. This is thelastthing I ever expected from him, and I’m not sure what it means for our friendship. I struggle to find the right words, trying to let him down as gently as possible. “I love you too, but not…like that. You’re mybrother. In arms, in blood. I never…”

I trail off as his face falls, a mixture of hurt and anger flashing across his features. I hurry to explain.

“You being into guys, I get it, I get wanting to hide that away. That doesn’t bother me, and hell, I’m glad for you if—” Nope, wrong angle, judging by the look on his face. “Van, I’m sorry, but I’ve never looked at you that way before. Never even considered it.”

“Let me guess,” he says with a hollow voice. “It’s him, isn’t it? The Castellani.” I don’t answer, which is answer enough. “Un-fucking-believable,” he spits. “You’d choose your dick over your Family.”

“Hey!”

But he’s already storming away. At the doorway he half-turns his face and says bitterly, “That Castellani ruined my whole fucking life.”

I stand there reeling from Van’s confession—and then his vicious accusations. I knew he would be pissed when he found out about Max and me, but I didn’t expect such raw fury. I hadnoidea Van felt that way. And now I’ve gone and broken his heart.

Some friend I am.

With nothing else to do, I head back into the church proper. My mind’s a mess of grief and guilt, but one thing is crystal clear to me now, laid plain by the first thing I thought when Van asked about Max.

My feelings for Max Pedretti run deeper than just physical attraction.

Much deeper.

And that scares the hell out of me. Being withanyoneis too dangerous in this game, butMax?Doubly so, given our positions in our respective Families.

Is Van right? Have I betrayed the Espositos by sleeping with Max?

It just…happened. Wasn’t something either of us planned on, and it’s not like we’ve shared intel, either. He clams up hard about anything Castellani-related, and there are a hundred things I haven’t told him about Esposito business.

But there’s no denying the connection. As crazy as it sounds, I think I’m falling for him. Just thinking about that makes my insides twist up with nerves. But at the same time, I get this little flutter in my chest when I picture his face.

His rare smile.

His hand at the small of my back, lending me his strength.

How can something like that be a bad thing?

No. Van is wrong; my loyalty still lies with my Family, and my feelings for Max don’t affect that. I won’t turn my back on the Espositos. But I can’t turn my back on Max, either. There has to be a way for us to make this work.

“Ah, shit,” I mutter under my breath, giving a tight smile to an older lady in black who thanks me for my heartfelt eulogy as she walks past. “Shit, shit,shit.” How did everything get so damn complicated? Van’s confession, Max, my confused feelings—they’re distractions. Right now I need to be strong for Rook and his grandmother, and for my crew. I need to catch up with them.

And I want to see Max again, need his presence. This thing between us…it’s dangerous. Reckless, even. But I’ll be damned if I can make myself stay away. Van accused me of letting my dick lead the way, and that was a shitty thing to say, no question.

But is letting my heart drag me around really any better?

CHAPTER35

MAX

“Where’s Jazz?”is the first thing I ask Honeybee when she comes running up to me for a hug.

Tank is with her, though he looks a little bullish. Van has disappeared, and so has Bricker, but I’m more interested to know where the conspicuously missing crew member might be.

“She decided to stay in the hospital to sit with Nico and Giddy,” Honeybee says. “Said she hates funerals.” Her pretty face falls. “So do I. But…”

“But you wanted to be here for Rook.” She nods. I glance at Tank behind her, who, now that he’s closer, looks decidedly sheepish.

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