Page 76 of Heir Of Sun And Moon
“How are you, my rose?” she asks, taking a small bite of a sun-shaped sugar cookie.
I don’t like lying, especially to her, but I also don’t feel like hashing out what the last twenty-four hours of my life has been like. So, I smile and take a sip of my water before answering with a generic “good.” I know that she can tell it isn’t quite the truth, but before she has the chance to ask further, a familiar voice sounds behind me.
“Would you like to dance, Bahira?”
I grimace slightly as I slowly turn to face Daje, not missing the amused glint in my mother’s eyes. My gaze roams over him as his does the same to me. Where mine merely assesses what he is wearing out of simple curiosity—brown trousers tucked into black boots, a black long-sleeved jacket embroidered in deep red with gold buttons running up the middle—his devours me, a spark of heat appearing as he lingers over the exposed skin on my upper chest. I clear my throat, feeling uncomfortable under his stare. He is my friend but he wants so much more from me than I can give him—than what I canbefor him. Or at least, that is what I previously thought. His gaze holds mine and I feel my barriers beginning to crack further.
Maybe a life with him is all that should be left for me to focus on now. All this fighting, all this reluctance to accept what is—it has been pointless. So why shouldn’t I entertain the idea that maybe a life with him could be better?
Chapter Thirty-Eight: Bahira
Iplacemyhandin his outstretched one, letting Daje lead me out into a vacant space on the grass near where the musicians are playing. We face each other, our joined hands out to the side while my other hand lays on his shoulder, just the tips of my fingers touching him there. His large palm rests on my lower back, and I search for an inkling of heat—of desire or lust—within me at our close proximity, but I feel nothing of the sort.
“You’ve been avoiding me,” he says, diving right into the conversation I know we need to have.
I shrug my shoulders as we move, our feet mirroring each step of the waltz that I learned as a child. My gaze is hooked over his shoulder on the other dancing couples behind us as I counter, “The same could be said of you.”
He blows out a breath, the movement tickling the ends of hair by my ear. “I didn’t know if I should reach out,” he says slowly. “I—I know that you would have preferred that I had not intervened… But, Bahira, I couldn’t simply watch him do that to you.”
Adrenaline trickles into my veins, a fight or flight response building despite the fact that I’m not in danger. “I know,” I respond thickly as I swallow down the sarcastic retort on the tip of my tongue. Tension clouds around us, my breathing quickening the longer the silence goes on. My mouth opens to say something to ease it, but Daje interrupts before I can.
“Haylee told me about what happened in your workshop yesterday.” His voice is quiet, conscious of the few people who are dancing around us.
My body tenses as my steps falter.Damn it, Haylee.“I don’t want to talk about that,” I grit out as my frustration and embarrassment cause a heat to work its way up my neck and cheeks. My gaze meets his, those blue eyes vigilant as they watch me. Shouldn’t it make me feelsomethingto have him look at me like that?
“Come on,” he whispers, turning to guide us to the edges of the trees surrounding the base of the amphitheater. We walk just past the treeline into the near darkness. Daje calls over a spelled flame, the yellow glow of his magic surrounding it as he holds it above us.
My mind feels like the normally well-oiled gears are colliding, chunks breaking off and clogging the ones below, continuing until everything reaches a standstill. His thumb rubs the back of my hand as he holds it, dragging his other hand over the top of his closely cut dark brown hair. He looks nervous, and I have to swallow down my own anxiety about what he is going to say.
“Bahira, you must know how I feel about you. I have held back, fighting with myself on either being content with just being your friend or begging you to take me as more.” It’s hard to breathe as we stare at each other, words I can’t voice sitting at the base of my throat. “I have been in love with you since we were kids,” he proclaims, andfuck,I should feel my heart flip at that. “But I hate the thought of you being alone purely based on principle.”
My eyebrows draw together as I look at him. “I’m not alone on principle, Daje,” I correct firmly. My hand pulls from his, and I cross my arms over my chest. “I amalonebecause I’ve been focusing on other things, and I don’t want to just se—”
“And now?” he interjects, taking another step towards me.
“And now, what?”
“Do you have the time now? Are you still focusing on those thingsnow?”
The implication in his tone settles heavily on me, harsh and suffocating. Am I ready to settle downnowthat I have another set of failed experiments under my belt?Nowthat I’ve hit a rock bottom that I previously hadn’t?
I shake my head and huff out a breath, as I keep my gaze locked on his and answer, “That is unfair of you to ask, and you know it.”
Bugs in the forest behind us buzz loudly, the revelry from the party mixing in to create a jarring noise that represents how chaotic I’m feeling on the inside. I honestly thought I knew the answer to this question already. Yes, I have the time now. Yes, I’m ready to stop and settle down. But I can’t force myself to say it. For some reason, my instinct is to say no, I’mnotdone. No, Istillhave work to do. No, Idon’twant to settle down with you. But I can’t say that either because I don’t know if it’s the fucking truth.
Daje sighs when my silence drags on, taking a small step back. “I need to be honest with you, Bahira.” His chest rises with a deep inhale before he slowly blows it out. “I want to marry you. I want to be able to protect you without fear it’s going to cause you to bite my head off. I want to see you happy and thriving and not so focused on fixing something that isn’t your job to fix.” Each word is meant to be a declaration of love by a caring man asking me to be his, but they hit me like he’s throwing invisible, jagged knives at my heart instead. “Marry me, Bahira. Marry me, and let me make you happy. Let me show you what a life of being cared for by me is like. Because I can’t do this anymore.” His hands gesture between us, like the sum of all of our time together is coming down to this moment.
“You can’t do what anymore?” All I can do is speak in three or four word sentences now as my mind tries to play catch up with everything Daje is saying. It’s funny how his version of me happy has neveronceincluded asking me whatI’dlike to do. He wants permission from me to let him be the center of my world.
“I can’t continue to watch you sneak off and bed other men, thinking I don’t know. I can’t continue to watch you lose more of yourself on this quest to fix magic.” My breath catches in my throat at his words. They aren’t exactly mean but they hit their mark in me all the same. “If you can’t marry me—if a life with me isn’t what you want—then we can’t…” He trails off, looking back towards the celebration before releasing a sigh and meeting my eyes again. “Then it would be best if we go our separate ways.”
My head rears back, my jaw falling open as I gape at him in surprise. “You are giving me an ultimatum? Marry you, or lose you as a friend?” I blurt out, confused and indignant.
“I’m asking you to marry me and gain something more than a friend,” he corrects.
My heart beats hard and fast in my chest. Daje is one of my oldest friends, and though things have started to change as we got older and his feelings for me began to morph into somethingmore,I never imagined it would come to this. “Daje, please don’t ask this of me,” I breathe, my fingers curling into fists. “Why can’t our friendship be enough?”
According to him, us marrying would be the solution to all of the problems in my life. A week ago—hell, two days ago—I would have scoffed in his face. I might have told him to fuck off and marched back into the celebration with my head held high and a deep belief that what I was doing held purpose. That it held value. Now however, I am so lost and confused, and I just don’t know if I can handle losing something I thought would be a constant in my life.
