Page 62 of Heir Of Sun And Moon
I try catching Flynn’s gaze, but he is already stepping out of the door and onto the bridge, not even glancing back. With each step, a bitter awareness starts to prickle in my veins that not only did I fail, but I also lost Bella in the process. My chest squeezes in on itself, and my breathing becomes more labored. Panic floods my body like water crashing through a broken dam. I was so close, but I failed.I failed.I don’t know whether to scream or cry or just reach for that dark chasm within my chest and beg it to consume me again. I have no doubt that when the king finds out about my attempt, my life here will become even worse. If anyone can figure out a way to torture me further, it’s him.
When we reach the achingly familiar arched door, the guard opens it and simply sets me down. Not speaking another word, the door closes, and I’m once again alone here. Truly alone this time. Even that tiny bit of freedom I experienced, the few seconds where I just gazed upon everything from the bridge, makes being back inside so much worse. It looks so small in here, so cold and empty andawful.
Slowly, I lift the satchel off of me and set it down near the stairs. Pulling on the boots, the slight swelling in my feet makes it even harder for me to get them off. Nighttime smothers the sunset, leaving the tower in pure darkness. Not wanting to go to bed alone for the first time in years, I grab the flame gem from the library and bring it out into the living area.
Taking a seat on the couch, I hug my knees to my chest and close my eyes. I create a new box in my mind, one that will allow me to justnot feel. I imagine my hands grasping and pushing and yanking each feeling into its new prison, quickly sliding a lid over top and locking it. My mind then goes cold—that dark iciness that had started to diminish within me over these past few months now back in full force. Perhaps caring about what happens to me is pointless. The king can do whatever he wants, and I won’t fight it. Resisting my fate all these years has done nothing but leave me feeling more empty, more broken, more alone. So maybe I should resign myself to becoming whatever it is he wants to mold me into. As I start to shove the last of my determination to be someone outside of this jail into another mental box, I see a small flame flickering in my mind: the last remnant of hope that is left within me. I walk up to it, lifting an imaginary booted foot to officially snuff it out, when there is a quick knock on my door before it opens.
Flynn doesn’t walk in, but he stares at me, his chest heaving like he’s just run the entire way up the tower. I startle at the sight of him. The hair around his temples is curled with sweat, and red splatters the front of his golden armor as his hands brace either side of the doorframe.
“Can I come in?” he asks, but his voice— It doesn’t sound right. He doesn’t sound like the man I’ve gotten to know. Still, I nod, and he walks through the door. I’m about to speak—to say what, I’m not sure—but then a knot forms in my throat at the sight of the giant white bundle of fur following at his heels.
“Bella!” I yell out, voice breaking as I bolt off the couch and fall to my knees when she meets me halfway. “I thought I lost you,” I whisper, kissing the top of her head. She nuzzles her head into my chest as I hug her tightly, unrelenting relief relaxing that strain on my heart. “The moon may have the stars, but at least I have you,” I recite with a quiet voice.
Flynn stands near the door, his armor and sword already off and leaning against the wall. My eyes catch the red again—blood, I realize—splashed across the front. I study his body, looking for any signs of injury, but because he is wearing all black, it’s not obvious if there is one.
The silence stretches between us, so tinged with anger and disappointment and fear that I swear I can taste its bitterness.
“You should give us some space,” I whisper to Bella, placing one more kiss on her head before watching her make her way to Flynn. She rubs her head on his hand, begging for a pet—which he hesitantly gives—before she climbs the stairs to the loft. Flynn’s hands brace on his hips as tension brackets his shoulders. His head hangs low for a moment more before he slowly lifts his eyes to meet my gaze.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to escape? I told you I wanted to help you,” he implores, his voice rising faintly. Words dry up in my mouth as we gawk at each other, both weighed down by everything left unsaid. “Were you just going to leave without saying anything else to me?” There’s a slight break in his voice at the end, hardly there but noticeable to me all the same.
“And why would I tell you, Flynn?” I counter, hating myself for doing this—for pushing him away. “Why would I tell you when you areswornto not help me? When your very blood has magic running in it that would make you stop me?”
“Rhea, I told you that you didn’t have to worry about the blood oath—”
“Yes, but you’ve never given me a reason why!” When he doesn’t respond, I huff out a breath and shake my head, turning to gaze outside to the balcony. Chewing on my lip, I let my eyes close. “Why did you start visiting me? Why risk getting caught by the king?” It’s a question I never wanted to give voice to, a worry I never wanted to let him see.
“What?” The sound of his steps echoes throughout the tower as he comes closer. I swallow down the pain radiating in my throat, the guilt and regret and every other negative emotion that has been locked inside of me for some time.
“I’ve been told that a man would only visit me for one reason,” I murmur, remembering King Dolian’s words. “Is that what you were hoping for? The chance to bed the princess of the tower?”
My head swings to look at him as I finish the sentence, wanting to see his reaction. Waiting to see the truth of those words reflected before me. Hoping it will be easier to leave Flynn behind if he admits that I was nothing more than a conquest. But that isn’t what happens.
His head jerks back like I’ve physically slapped him, disgust curling his lip as he snaps, “Are you seriously asking me that?” His body practically vibrates with frustration and anger. He’sangrywith me. Panic sits heavy on my chest, constricting my breath. “Rhea, do you really think I’d spend time getting to know you—”
“I don’t know you, Flynn. Not really,” I argue, taking a step towards him, my head tilting up to hold his gaze. “We’ve only spent small pockets of time togetherhere, secluded in a tower, whereyoucan pretend to be whatever you want andIwon’t be any wiser.” My arms fold over my chest, hands squeezing tightly into fists. “What are your motives? What are you really here for? What makes you keep coming back—”
“Because I fucking care about you!” he shouts, throwing his arms out to the side. “Gods, is it so impossible for you to believe that?”
“Yes!” I yell back, my chest heaving as my insecurities burn through me.
“Why?” he asks, stepping forward again until we are barely an arm’s length apart, his face tense with confusion.
“Because the only people who ever cared about me are dead.” The words come out in a shockingly low pitch, a near growl that surprises even myself. Cold seeps through my body, tingling the tips of my fingers. I heave a shuddering breath and point out to the city beyond this tower. “There is anentirekingdomof people who know that I live here day in and day out, and they don’t care enough to wonder if the king could be lying about why I’m here.” Frustrated, I wipe roughly at the tears that trace down my cheeks, but they don’t stop flowing. “Twenty-one years and not one person has ever thought to themselves that maybe it’s a ridiculous notion to assume a person is grieving for that long.They don’t care!”
I laugh callously, the sound laced with the pain I’ve held onto. Each inhale I take burns my lungs as I gasp for air, the room blurring around me. Gods, this pain is infinite. I’ve been falling down into an abyss of desolation for so long that I forgot I was even moving. Flynn made me hope that maybe I’d finally found the ground, hit rock bottom so that I could begin to climb back up. But the darkness has just continued to grow.
“And maybe that meansIshouldn’t care either,” I cry, my chest caving with an ugly truth I’ve never voiced before. Flynn’s eyes widen with realization as he stares at me, the shock of my words and their intent leaving him momentarily frozen. Unable to handle the weight of his gaze, I turn away as I try to suck in a breath. “So how can I believe thatyoudo?” Seconds that feel like hours pass before I sense him coming up behind me. Near but not touching.
“Well, you are wrong,” he states, his voice excruciatingly soft.
“Stop,” I gasp as I squeeze my eyes shut. “It’s too late now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters.” His breath tickles the top of my head as he speaks. “Youmatter.” I drop my head as a sob tears me apart. His rich voice is a tender plea that only works to unravel me further as he continues, “Rhea, look at me.”
I try not to turn around because I know. I know that if I look at him, it’s going to be so much harder to shut him out. It’s going to be so much harder to pretend that he hasn’t been one of the bright spots in my life since Alexi died. That his notes and jokes and the time we’ve spent playing games and reading together have meant more to me than he’ll ever realize.
His hand faintly brushes the very outside of my elbow, just a whisper of touch so that I don’t startle. He begs again, “Please look at me.”
