Page 8 of Cruising for You

I needed help.

I leaned back in my chair. How bad would it be to try out Davis’s app? He might jump to the conclusion that I was a loner who needed help finding friends, but he surely didn’t keep tabs on every single user, and even if he did, he might just think I was supporting a former colleague. Or even trying it so I could encourage my patients to use it to combat loneliness.

It wasn’t like I had any better options. I followed the instructions in Davis’s email inviting me to be a beta tester and installed the Connect app. After indicating my preference for a female friend, I was asked to fill out a questionnaire that would help me find a match, based on “cutting-edge scientific principles.” Intrigued, I began.

How do you feel about trees?

Had I misread it? I blinked and reread the question. Nope.

Maybe the question had come from principles in some peer-reviewed research I didn’t know about. I needed to give the process a chance.

They are a necessary part of our ecosystem on earth, I typed in response.

Next question:What sea animal best represents you when swimming in the ocean?Beneath was a grid of nine animal photos I could choose from, including a manatee. A quick internet search confirmed what I already vaguely recalled; manatees weren’t strictly sea creatures, as they could survive in both salt and fresh waters.

I narrowed my eyes. The question hadn’t been taken from peer-reviewed research unless it was a paper in theJournal of Pop Psychology.

Snorting at my little joke, I selected the manatee as a symbol of how it was as little suited to be classified as a sea creature as I was to distill my personality into a pseudo-scientific questionnaire.

I continued answering the questions as quickly as I could, not giving them very much credence once I was certain there was no underlying scientific methodology. And besides, it wasn’t like I needed to find a real friend, just a fake girlfriend.

Evaluating your responses, the app told me. I pocketed my phone and went to make some patient rounds.

After I’d seen two patients and given discharge orders to another, my smartwatch sent me a notification.We’ve located your match.

I started to pull my phone out of my pocket, then determined I should go back to my office rather than conduct blatantly personal business out in the open.

Someone walked slowly in front of me, eyes glued to her own phone.

“Excuse me,” I muttered, moving around her.

She looked up, and I realized she was the same woman from the elevator on Friday night.

Jenna blushed and shoved her phone into her pocket, as if I’d caught her committing a HIPPA violation rather than checking her texts or whatever she was probably doing.

I tried to smile reassuringly—I didn’t care if she was using her phone, especially since I was going to check my status on a friendship app—and kept going. Safely back in my office, I closed the door and took a seat.

We’ve found your unique match,the app told me, before playing an animation of a seed being planted.Your friendship is at Level One. There are many things you can do to make it grow. Once your friendship has reached Level Ten, you can meet. Select the star menu to find out more.

Ten levels? There were a lot of hoops to jump through just to meet a woman who might not be interested in accompanying me on the cruise.

The screen shifted to a new scene with two emoji faces in a room. A popup explained that we were in a virtual escape room and would have to solve riddles to get out in the allotted time. The only way we were allowed to communicate was through a menu of five predetermined phrases.

Unsure how this activity was supposed to unlock a soulful connection, I nevertheless dutifully attempted to answer the first question, a riddle.What do the letter T and an island have in common?

I didn’t need a selection of responses to know the answer, but before I could select “They’re both found in the middle of water,” my new friend answered correctly.

Our emoji avatars inched closer to a door at the other side of the room.

Cheer your new friend on!the app suggested, offering two messages.

I chose “You bring so much to this friendship,” over “I appreciate your valuable contributions,” even though I would never say anything so cheesy in real life.

My new friend replied with “Your encouragement always lifts my spirits.”

Who had written such canned phrases? If it was Davis, what did Cassidy see in him?

The next question was even worse than the first.What weighs more, a pound of iron, or a pound of feathers?

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