Page 73 of Resistant

“Sure, Rick. What’s on your mind?”

I can hear the growl in Declan’s voice, which means he’s irritated, but Rick doesn’t notice, probably because that’s his usual tone with Rick.

“It’s not like you can send SWAT or something to come break me out. We are going to need a strategy, false paperwork or something that will force the New Reform’s hand to release me. We could come up with something that would prove I was falsely accused of taking part in the Resistance. What do you think?”

“In the right hands, something like that could work. But I have to tell you, we don’t have any contacts on the other side that can help with this. It will take time to build those relationships and get something in place.”

“I understand. I was hoping Riesa would help us. I thought if we get her out of the camp, that she would be partial to helping me too.”

“Have you talked to her about it?”

“No.”

“That’s your next step Rick. Let me know what comes of it and we’ll see what we can come up with outside.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. Those credit accounts are all set up for you, so you have resources when you get outside.”

“Thanks, man.”

Declan does sound thankful. I think it’s the first sincere thing he’s ever said to Rick.

Of course, I don’t know why it matters, I’ve put myself in a horrible situation with Declan and I need to figure a way out of it. The trouble is, I don’t know if I can have what I want.

When I rehearse it out in my head it all sounds incredibly self-centered. If the roles were reversed, no way would I agree to the terms that I want. I feel a hole start to fester inside me, and I’m bewildered, even in my own mind.

Rick leaves, and we follow our normal routine. Work, eat dinner, and pack up the rest of our food to take with us.

In the end, I lose my nerve and I don’t say anything to Declan about what I’m feeling. The distance between us feels so vast and I find myself unable to cross over to him.

I’m afraid. My head tells me that I need to try and talk to Declan, but my heart says I’ve fucked things up beyond repair. And I don’t know who to believe so I sit paralyzed between the two of them mourning what I may have lost.

Declan settles in the bed while I’m in the shower. I dress quickly and grab a pillow to sleep on the couch. I decide that it’s my turn. His voice emerges from the darkness and startles me.

“Brynn, do you want to sleep on the couch, or do you feel like you must? Because you don’t have to. I’m only in here because that couch was brutal on my joints, and I need to sleep well if we are going to stick to our schedule.”

“I thought you wouldn’t want me in here after…”

I stumble all over myself unable to speak my thought out loud. He sighs and pats the bed.

“Come here, Brynn. This is not about me not wanting you. It’s about me giving you the space you asked for. I’m not angry with you Angel, I’m pissed off at the circumstances that led to this. I’m pissed off that you don’t see us like I see us, but I also know that you have a right to your feelings and opinions. Just because I see us more clearly, doesn’t make you wrong.”

“Okay.”

I don’t even know what to make of what he’s said. What does he mean how he clearly sees us? I sit on the edge of the bed, more jumbled than ever, and still unsure if I should stay in the bedroom or go cry on the couch. The lump in my throat is unsurmountable, and I’m having trouble even breathing over it.

“Angel, come here.”

He holds out his arms and I eagerly climb in and bury my face in his chest. He strokes my hair while I turn into a complete wussy, unable to understand my own ambivalent feelings.

“Angel, I need you to talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t…”

“No, Angel. Never be sorry for asking for something you need. I may not agree with you, but I will always listen. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, because fuck if I have it figured out.”

I snort into his shirt.

“That makes two of us.”

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