Page 125 of The Hallows Queen

“I’m sorry…” I whisper, unable to stop crying.

Gavin stands up and puts a hand on my cheek. “We both deserve to be happy, Penelope. Don’t feel bad for chasing after your happiness. Just don’t try to fill the void inside of you with someone who doesn’t fit.”

* * *

I takean Uber out to the beach and sit down in the soft sand, letting my tears fall freely as I mourn what could have been. As I go over every moment I shared with Gavin in my mind, it starts to become blatantly obvious that it was never real – that the entire relationship was just me trying to fit inside a box again, just like I did with Daniel in college. I wonder silently as I play with the cold sand if I was just waiting for Hayden subconsciously all these years. It hurts to think about what I’ve done, what I put Gavin through just to silence the loud screams inside of me that were searching for something that felt like it did with Hayden.

Maybe Gavin knew all along too – because it wasn’t exactly hard for either of us to walk away. Maybe he has his own demons he was silencing as well.

An hour later, when my eyes finally dry up, I pull my phone out and open Hayden’s contact card, then I share my location with him.

If I’m ever going to figure this out, I need to talk to him.

It’s now or never, right?

* * *

After a half hour,I hear someone walking behind me, so I turn around to see who it is. Hayden is bare footed, his sneakers hanging in one hand as he steps closer to me.

He sits down a few feet from me but doesn’t say anything.

After a few minutes, I look over at him and study his face. When he looks at me, he smiles. “What?”

“You look the same.” I say, pausing to really take in every detail. “But different.”

When he smiles this time, it lights up his whole face. It makes me sick with the memory of branding that smile into my brain under the shadow of my sheets, the happiness that spread across his face when we were all alone, stealing the misery that usually haunted him outside the comfort of our safe places.

“You look different, too,” he says, pulling his knees up so he can lean his cheek on them to look at me. “You’re still the same beautiful woman I remember, but your eyes look so tired.”

“Yeah…” I cross my arms. “Well, that’s me.”

“You aren’t happy.” It isn’t a question but an observation.

“I’m fine,” I say, tucking my hair behind my ears and looking out at the water.

As his hand finds my jaw, and he turns my head so I’m looking at him, my eyes feel heavy like they may fill with tears. I wish I could lean into his touch. “I know you, P. You aren’t happy. At least talk to me, let me help.”

“You can’t,” I whisper, scared that if I speak any louder, I may cry. “You can’t fix me because you’re the one that broke me.”

“I think that makes me even more qualified for the job, actually.” He smiles softly, searching my face. “Let me fix it, let me show you that I’ve changed. Ask me anything, I can prove it to you. The only thing I want is to make you happy.”

“I think it’s too late.” I feel a tear slip down my cheek, and he brushes it away with his thumb.

“P, it’ll never be too late,” He drops his hand to my leg. “You and me? That’s how it’s supposed to be.”

“But that’s what fucked both of us up the last time.” My chest swells with sadness, but also, longing. “Isn’t it easier to be with someone who doesn’t know how fucked up we are? Wouldn’t a fresh start be better?”

He shakes his head, pressing his lips together. “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who knows everything about you – the good, the bad and the ugly – and still fucking loves you? Fuck a fresh start, Penelope. I’ll bleed for you, I’ll die for you, I’ll fuckinglivefor you.”

I sit silently, letting the truth of his words wash over me, and I hate how much I love him for saying them – I hate how real he is, how honest andright.

“I love you,” he says, and I feel it. “I always have, and I always will.”

“So, what,” I ask, brushing my hands over my wet cheeks. “I’m just supposed to run away with you? Fall back into how unhealthy we were together? Say fuck the life I’ve built here, fuck everything, and just follow you back to wherever?”

“I haven’t drank or done drugs in three years, Penelope, did you know that? I’m completely fucking sober. I’m healthy. I work full time, I fixed shit with my dad, I doyoga,for fuck’s sake. I’m not the same kid you remember walking away from almost five years ago. I’ve grown, and I’ve changed, and I’m here to fix us and show you that. Just give me the chance to show you the new me.”

I don’t say anything, I just look over at him and watch him speak. Everything he’s saying is chipping down that wall around my heart, and it’s terrifying.

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