Page 164 of Sin With Me

As I stand in the center of my old room, I can't help the swell of conflicting emotions. It’s just a room. Just four simple walls. Shelves covered in trophies that mean nothing and books that don’t matter. Not really.

The person who left here at eighteen was a different soul, raw and broken, carrying the heavy weight of an ugly past. I’d like to say I’ve changed. That there’s been some massive metamorphosis in the last four years, but seeing it now…

Seeing the books, the dark walls and overwhelming emptiness. The visceral representation of the way I hid from my world, from life, from existing—it’s really not that different from how I live now.

Now, I just hide it better.

“So,” she drawls, stepping just inside the doorframe she’d made a home out of. My eyes pull from the wall I’d been staring at and I arch a brow. “You gonna sleep in here now, orrr…”

Eve breaks off, her lip kicking up in a small smile, but there’s something else there in her eyes. Eyes that are almost uncomfortably locked on me as she refuses to look around.

My head tilts. It can’t be all that weird for her to be here. She’s been cleaning it, maintaining it. Or maybe she just came in here to tidy up when I dropped in unexpectedly a week ago. Either way, she’s acting like she’s terrified of my room almost as much as I was.

“You should,” she murmurs. “Sleep in here, I mean. The couch isn’t all that comfortable. It’s old and there’s that stain on the left arm from Robert. I tried to get it out, but possum pee is surprisingly resilient and nothing worked. Well, vinegar did, but then it just smelled like pickled pee and the cushions are all saggy and—”

My hand claps against her mouth as my brows crash together. She’s rambling. I haven’t heard Eve nervously word vomit since she was in high school. Back when she was just that quiet, sweet church girl with braces and glasses, wearing the dresses Jane lovingly stitched up for her.

Eve, my Eve, stopped being that girl long ago and I haven’t seen a single sign of her since I got here.

It’s surprisingly refreshing.

Better than the unaffected front she’s been wearing like a mask.

“I’ll agree to sleep in here on one condition,” I murmur. Her wide blue eyes turn up to mine, her mouth still muffled by my tattooed hand. It looks so different, standing out against her smooth, tan skin. “You shut the hell up.”

Eve narrows her eyes to a glare.

“Actually, make that two conditions.”

She rolls her eyes but doesn't pull away. Inside, I preen.

“You promise not to cook a single meal for the next ten days.”

Her words are muffled against my palm. “How am I supposed to eat then?”

With a grin, I pinch her cheeks and lean in, bringing her face close, too close, to mine. “Ever heard of Doordash?”

Dim lights in the smoky room flicker, casting long shadows across the worn green felt table. Tobacco smoke and the low murmur of hushed conversations hang thick in the warm air. It's a world so far removed from the pulpit, I can almost forget that’s my life. The place I stand every Sunday, a room full of saints, is the opposite of this room of depraved sinners.

An innate need burns deep inside me to do this, taking my choice from me.

I glance at the cards in my hand, fingers gently caressing the smooth edges. The Jack of Hearts winks at me, nestled between a Queen and an Ace. It's a hand worth betting on, and tonight, I need a win more than ever.

Today was bad.

Most days are, but today was truly awful.

My skin feels too tight. It feels itchy. The memories of my past rub against the recesses of my mind, making me feel raw.

Fuck.

I hate it.

Today, my father taunted me. The harsh memory of his fists gliding over my cheek while spewing words more devastating than any blow he could land.

All day, I tried to ignore it while I did what I needed to do. While I smiled at new faces and shook hands, pretending to be something I’m not. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be one of them. I’ll never have the money they do, or the expensive suits and nice cars. I’ll never live in the mansion or have a trophy wife.

Not for the first time today, my mind flits to Eve.

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