Page 16 of Dev Girl

I was relieved. The moment I put words to the feeling, my nausea ebbed and surged in waves. How could I be relieved? My mother did this with me when she was just a little younger than me.

Why couldn’t I face the thought of raising a child?

I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t… This wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life.

There it was. Fuck.

Where did I want to be?

“Where are you?” Maddox asked as he opened the passenger door for me. “Can I join you? What are you thinking about? Are you all right?” He snapped his mouth shut.

I searched his face. “You were excited.”

“I get excited about a lot of things. Like when Onyx remembers to buy strawberry Pop Tarts.”

Was he really comparing…? I didn’t know how to respond beyond a scowl.

“I realize a baby isn’t the same as Pop Tarts.” He nudged me into the truck and rested his hands on my knees. “The point is, it doesn’t matter how I feel. This is about you. If you’re relieved, that’s okay. If you’re disappointed, that’s okay. And I can be happy for you either way. I’m a complex person like that.”

“Thank you.” I wanted to pour everything into my response, and wasn’t sure I managed.

Maddox took his spot in the driver’s seat, and we were on the road again.

It only took me a few minutes to realize, “We’re going in the wrong direction to get to Onyx’s.” Though, eventually most roads in the valley led out of it, we were definitely heading the opposite way of where we should be.

“We’re going for ice cream first.” Maddox made it sound like the most obvious thing ever. “Preferably Irish coffee ice cream, since you abstained this weekend.”

Was I allowed to feel better? I was a horrible person, being relieved. “I don’t think it actually has either of those things in it, regardless of the name.”

“Then we’ll stop and pick both up when we’re done with ice cream.”

I was already going to be up all night, but I appreciated the sentiment. “We’ll see.”

At the ice cream parlor, I wasn’t sure if I could stomach anything, but Maddox told the waitress we were sharing a brownie sundae. When she brought it out, my stomach grumbled.

Maybe I could eat a little.

Maddox plunged a spoon into the melty, gooey vanilla and hot fudge mess, and held it out for me.

Yup, I wasn’t passing that up. I accepted the offer. He gave me the spoon and grabbed the other one, and we dug in.

We were quiet as we ate.

“Are you all right?” Maddox’s low question startled me.

Was I? I still didn’t know. “Does it make me a bad person if I say yes?”

“No.” His answer came quickly. “Why would it?”

“I just…” It was too hard to put into words.

“I don’t think I would’ve handled the news nearly so well in your shoes. Not that I would’ve had to, but let’s say for hypothetical reasons that it could’ve been me. I’d have been freaking out. I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life; how am I supposed to help a little, mini-me figure it out?”

He put into words so well the thoughts I hadn’t been able to.

“I know you always know what you’re doing and where you’re going,” Maddox said. “But that doesn’t mean the unexpected won’t catch you off-guard.”

That should make me feel better. I’d focus on letting it make me feel better.

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