Page 105 of Fierce

“I...can’t,” I said at last, and felt the hand in mine give a jerk. “I just can’t. Not now. I hear what you’re saying, and I know how much it would have mattered to me a couple weeks ago. It’s probably going to matter again sometime, and I’ll be thinking, why did I answer you like this? But I can’t—I can’t even think about it now. When you said you’d changed your mind, all I thought was that it was Karen, and I was so...so panicked. The panic’s so close, all the time, and I just...I can’t care about this right now. I can’t think about...about pleasing you, or about what you want. I don’t have it. And I know that’s so ungrateful,” I hurried to say. “I know it. And I’m sorry.”

For once, his face wasn’t wooden. It was twisted into something like pain, and I didn’t want him to have pain, but I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t. I didn’t have one single thing left to give, and I was trembling again.

“I can’t...I can’t feel anything,” I tried to tell him. My throat was closing, and I had to hurry and say this, had to get it out before I cried. “I can’t tell anything. I just...I just...”

“Oh, baby.” Once again, he had his arms around me, was holding me to him, and I couldn’t help it. My own arms came out to wrap around him, to hold onto his shoulders, and I buried my head in his warm chest, felt his heart beating under my cheek, and shook.

He didn’t say anything at all, just held me until the shaking stopped and I was able to sit up again.

I should be embarrassed, I knew, but I couldn’t be. I should be happy, or relieved, or sad that I couldn’t be any of those things. And instead, I had nothing. I was empty.

“You don’t have to do anything now,” he told me. He had my hand again, and I hung on, because hanging on helped, and stared at the floor, because I couldn’t look at his face. “You don’t have to say anything. If you can’t make a decision, you don’t have to. You can tell me to bugger off, and I’ll go. Or you can let me come and sit with you, bring you and Karen dinner, whatever helps. I’m not going to change my mind about helping you, no matter what you decide, no matter what you say to me. The rest of it can wait.”

“I can’t...” I was still trying to get my breath, to take that in. “I can’t even think about sex.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” His arms were around me again, his hand smoothing over my hair, and somehow, my head was on his chest again. “I know.”

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