Page 102 of Fierce

“Yeah,” I said, and we sat down again and ate dinner, and I told him.

I didn’t cry, and he didn’t hold me. Instead, he listened, asked questions, looked through the sheaf of handouts, and, I could tell, took more of his mental notes. Preparing to do some more research, probably, the same way I’d been doing all day. At least there’d be somebody I could talk to, somebody who cared about Karen, who understood what we were facing. I tried not to let that matter so much, and as always, I failed.

He helped me do the dishes, too. We didn’t talk much, because there wasn’t much left to say, and no other topic that worked. When we’d finished, he hung up the dishtowel and said, “You’re shattered. I’ll go on home and let you get back to Karen.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” I walked him to the door, waited while he put on his coat, and said it again. “Thanks. For everything. I know that’s not enough, but—”

I had to stop, but he just said, “Yeh. Let me know about whatever appointments you have coming up, and I’ll send Charles to collect you. About the surgery date as well, once you have it. And give me the contact info so I can make the arrangements.”

To pay for it all,he didn’t say.

I couldn’t thank him again, and I couldn’t ask him for anything else, not when he didn’t have it to give. Not when he’d done so much already. I couldn’t be another person with my hand out, telling him that what he was doing wasn’t enough.

So all I said was, “Thanks. I’ll let you know.”

I didn’t go over to Hope’s the next night. I sent flowers, and I sent Debra. But I didn’t go myself, because I couldn’t stand to have my heart ripped out of my chest two nights in a row. Instead, I worked until seven, then worked out hard with Eugene in the hope that if I got myself tired enough, sleep would come.

He had me holding a plank pose, timing me on his stopwatch, when he said it. “So. Debra says it’s bad with Karen. But not as bad as it could be.”

“Yeh,” I grunted.

“Rough on both of them. Might be even rougher on Hope, watching her sister hurting that much, worrying about how it’s going to turn out.”

I looked up, but he was studying the watch. “How long?” I asked.

“Another minute. So what I want to know is, why ain’t you over there with the two of them?”

“What? You telling me—” I had to take a breath. “Debra didn’t fill you in? Don’t believe it.”

“What, that you broke up? Yep. She sure did. She’s told me a whole lot about Hope, too. Told me what I already know, that you’re a stone fool. Tell you something else, too. The woman I love’s in that kind of pain? I’m over there making it right between us, whatever I got to do. I’m not sitting over here telling myself I’m not going to crawl. And you’re done.”

I lowered myself to the floor, pushed up on my palms to stretch out my abs, and said, “Not the way it is.”

“Let me guess. I’m all wrong, ’cause you don’t love her at all. You don’t need nobody, strong guy like you, and you told her so. To get over there to be with her like she needs you, you’d have to tell her different. Can’t have that. Can’t be needin’ no woman, no sirree.”

I stood up again and didn’t answer, and he sighed and said, “Get on the bike. Cool down.”

I climbed on, grabbed the towel, wiped down my head, and started to pedal, and he said, “So. I get that about right?”

I wasn’t going to answer, and then I did, because he was standing right there, the expression on his face exactly the same as my Koro’s. Same leathery, creased brown skin. Same seen-it-all eyes, seeing it all.

“Maybe,” I said reluctantly. “You think I haven’t thought about this? Think I don’t want her? I want her. But I can’t be who she wants. She wants the...the whole thing, and I can’t do that.”

“Can’t do what?” He peered at me as if he were looking all the way into my brain, or, worse, into my heart, and I had the uncomfortable feeling that that wasn’t too far off. “Oh. I get it. You can’t do love. That about it?”

He must have seen the answer, because he shook his head and laughed, showing off every missing tooth and not caring a bit. “Oh, man. How’d you get that messed up? Boy, what you think bein’ in love is, that you ain’t doin’ it?”

I pedaled faster, but there was no pedaling away, because he was still talking. Of course he was.

“Let’s take a look here,” he said. “You doing some things for her? Getting that doctor, paying all those bills, getting Debra in there, all that? Sending some flowers, too, I hear. Sending them dinner. That about cover it?”

“I’m sacking Debra, so you know,” I said with a scowl. “Is there anything else you’d like to know that she hasn’t told you?”

“Yep, she’s a woman. Real interested in things. Cares about people, too, that way women do. Yeah, you’re right. Who needs it? So—why you doin’ all that?”

“Because they need the help, obviously. Because there’s nobody else.”

“Uh-huh. ’Cause Karen’s hurting, and Hope’s hurting, too, and you want to take some of that burden off her. But you don’t want to go over there, ’cause you don’t like spending time with her, I guess.”

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