Page 62 of City of Gods

Sanai: You’re in my driveway.

Me: You caught me. Open the door.

I got out and walked up to her front door, waiting for it to swing open. The minute I saw her face, the world melted into a pool of colors at my feet. Whatever pull she had on me was already working its magic.

“I just…need someone.” The tears I’d fought hard to keep at bay all day came rushing out. They were quiet reminders that I was human, and that I had emotions that needed to be dealt with.

Sanai pulled me inside before she did her usual cautionary glance around. The way her arms felt around me was something I couldn’t explain with words if I wanted to. Only art could do the feeling justice. I felt like I had someone to sink into. Someone who felt solid and familiar. Someone who wouldn’t judge me or expect me to be superhuman right now.

“It’s not okay right now,” Sanai spoke quietly into my shoulder. “But it will be. Even though it doesn’t seem like it.” I didn’t know how long she held me but it was long enough for me to get my shit together for a moment.

We made our way upstairs to her bedroom where she’d been on her computer searching for her mother frantically. She had maps pulled up and phone logs printed and laid out all over her bed. She swept everything aside with one motion and motioned for me to sit. When I did, I was rushed by the spicy citrus that I’d come to recognize as Sanai. Her perfect scent snapshot. Fiery and sweet.

“You hungry?” she asked, gathering the papers in her bed into a neater pile. I noticed how she left everything where I could see it. There was no rushing to hide or sweep anything into a folder or box.

“A little.” I rubbed my temples as the start of a headache began spreading through my forehead. “Hakim had a whole fucking plate of food and didn’t offer me a goddamn thing.”

Sanai laughed a little, her plush lips curving. “That nigga never offers anyone any of his food. He must have been unbearable growing up.”

“Oh, he was. He was always getting yelled at for eating us out of house and home. My mother had to get another fucking refrigerator when he got to high school and started playing football.” Sanai sat beside me, a soft smile on her pretty face.

“He played football? I guess I can see that. He’s…broad.” She lifted a dainty shoulder in a half-shrug.

“He’s something…” I muttered.

“So, y'all don’t get along or is it just normal sibling shit like with me and Eli?”

“Sibling shit. I love Hakim. I’d die for him and kill for him. Same with Maasai.”

“I might talk a lot of shit about y'all Godwin boys, but I love how close you three are. I’m not that close with all of mine.” The hint of sadness in her voice told a tale that I found myself wanting to know all about.

“You’re close with Zara, right?” I asked, pulling her close to me. I needed to feel her warmth in my arms, pressed against my chest. Sanai nodded weakly and snuggled deeper into my embrace.

“It wasn’t always like that, though, and sometimes we butt heads over family shit but out of all of my siblings, she’s the most solid. She gave me the love and validation that my mother never could.” She traced the veins in my forearms and chuckled. “You know how people are always saying that you shouldn’t need validation from outside sources?”

“Yeah,” I answered. I leaned down and dipped my nose into her wild curls, breathing her in. I realized I loved her hair straight or curly. It didn’t matter how she looked because she was always real. Always Sanai.

“I don’t agree with that. I think we need to have validation modeled and given freely to us by our parents or whoever is raising us. Because without having it and knowing what it looks and feels like, how are we supposed to magically generate it within ourselves? Especially as children.” She sniffled a little then slid her slender fingers between mine. Her hand felt so light and small tucked inside mine that way. It was hard to believe that this was the same hand that held guns and knives and got dirty with blood.

“Zee gave me that validation. She showed me what it looked like. That’s how I knew I wasn’t getting it from Mother or Father.”

“Can I ask you something, Sanai?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Why do y'all call your parents Mother and Father? I always thought that shit was weird.”

I was glad she laughed and didn’t take offense. “Because that’s how they raised us. They thought it would lessen the bond we had with them if there was a formality in how we addressed them.”

“Goddamn. That’s some calculated shit.”

“It is. That’s how they raised us, though. Everything was planned out. Even the way we’re divided. Eli and Ken are close and Zee and I are close. They wanted it that way so that we’d essentially be on teams. One team would be able to kill the other if it came down to it.”

“What the hell?” I couldn’t fathom treating my future kids that way. “They told y'all this or you just put it together on your own?”

“No, they told us. Point blank. My parents never sugar-coated shit. That’s why I don’t understand why Eli and Ken are acting so shocked right now that we have to find our mother and kill her. We have a family protocol for this.” She heaved a sigh then shook her head. “Anyway, tell me about your parents. That’s the only thing I’ve never heard you talk about. I know the Godwin family has deep ties in Bellmore, so why don’t I ever see you around your parents unless there’s a benefit or something?” She turned in my arms so that she was looking into my eyes.

My stomach twisted uncomfortably and I shut my eyes for a moment trying to figure out where to even begin. My relationship with my parents wasn’t easy. It was complicated, to say the least.

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