Page 54 of City of Gods

“Damn, just like that, huh, Sanai? You’d probably be fine with putting the bullet in her head.” Kenya aimed her anger at me and I gladly took it.

“I’d be fucking delighted. I fought all my life to get her validation. I fought for her love and affection. Hell, even her attention would have worked. You know what I got instead?” I asked, tilting my head to the side. “I got emotionally neglected and abused. I got shut out by her. I got turned on by all of y'all except for Zee. Whenever Mother talked shit about me, Eli, and Ken, y'all were the first ones to take her side. Neither one of y'all stood up for me. You didn’t comfort me when I was in my room, balled up crying. Nothing.

You didn’t do shit either, Father. Everyone just let her use me as a goddamn punching bag, figuratively and sometimes literally.” Anger and pain stopped the tears from rolling down my face. My cheeks were lava and my throat was sand but I was going to let them all know exactly how I felt.

Yes, I wanted her to die by her own rules.

Yes, I was pissed that Ken alerted her.

Yes, I would have been the one to put a bullet through her fucking head if I needed to.

Father shut his eyes and pushed out a long breath then looked at me. “I know things weren’t perfect for you when you were growing up, Nai but…” I cut him off, slicing my hand through the air and shaking my head.

“Growing up?” I chuckled mirthlessly. “She still treats me like this now! I don’t even know why the fuck I subject myself to this shit. Any of it.”

“She was harder on you. She didn’t hate you or abuse you,” Ken said, smacking her lips.

“You don’t get to tell me how things went down or how they still go down up until recently. She kicked me out of the family business because I fucked up on a mark she wanted dead. I took the job with no proof. I was loyal to her and she led me into what could have been a suicide mission. All for her own benefit.” Everyone went silent. Nobody could look me in the eye once I was done speaking. They all knew I was right.

None of my siblings would have taken that mission without question because none of them were as thirsty as I was for my mother’s validation.

“Okay, now that Sanai is done with her little outburst…what is the plan?” Kenya asked, looking right at Father.

“My little outburst? Bitch…”

“That’s enough, Sanai,” Father grumbled. “You won’t be a part of whatever the plan consists of, Kenya. I can’t trust that you’ll act on behalf of the business anymore after what you did. You can tell me whatever you want about not warning her to run but the truth remains. She ran after you called her. You’re dismissed.” Father’s expression turned stony as he watched Ken stand up and move to the exit.

“You’re just letting her go?” I fumed, standing to my feet. “See, this is the bullshit I’m talking about. If I ran and told Mother, I wouldn’t have left without a bullet hole.”

“Do you want one now?” Father asked. He was fed up with my shit but I’d never been one to let thoughts fester in my head when they needed to hit the air. “Sit your ass down so we can figure out where your mother is and handle this.”

“So you just accepted the fact that we have to kill her?” Eli asked, confusion in his deep voice.

“Son, when your mother and I got married we both knew we would have tough decisions to make. Of course, I’m not happy about it but how can I trust her after this? How can you?”

“I…don’t know.” He shrugged. “Maybe she planned to tell us but wanted to wait until the right time. Why would she make all these moves and not include us eventually? I mean we’d find out about it anyway so hiding it doesn’t make sense.”

I folded my arms tightly across my chest and said, “Because who knows what kind of deal she cut and with whom? Who knows how much money she’s bringing in now that she refused to let us in on? For all we know, she could have fucking sacrificed us and our business to her connects and we would have never seen a hit coming.”

“All valid points, Nai,” Father stated. “There are too many questions left wide the fuck open, Eli. It’s not our job to sit here and play connect the dots while she’s making plans to cover her own ass. Covering her ass means that we are just in the goddamn way. Now, I know we’re in the business of killing for money but I damn sure don’t plan on standing by while my wife could hit one of my kids. I’ll do what I have to do.”

“You think she would do that?” Eli asked, and I heard the sad little boy peeking through his words.

“Without hesitation,” Zee said, pushing out a full breath. “You know how we were raised.”

“Fuck!” Eli blurted, tilting his head to the vaulted ceiling.

“Put all that emotion away, son. We don’t have time for it. We have to make moves and figure out where she’s hiding. For now, everyone needs to keep their cover. It’s more important now than ever before. Go to work. Have lunch with your friends. Spend time with your significant others.” Of course, Father aimed that one right at me. “We still have an image to uphold. We’ll still need your help with bible study, Sanai.”

“As long as I’m still getting paid, I’ll be there.” A part of my cover was that I had to play the shy, quiet role of Daddy’s girl. I had to stick by his side and earn a living working within the church. It worked fairly well since nobody had once picked up on anything suspicious. Not even Daniel seemed to catch on to the fact that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be, and he was trained to catch things that seemed out of the ordinary.

He did pick up on the fact that Bakari and I seemed to be more than just friends, though.

“Zee, I still want you to plan for the Thanksgiving food drive, and Eli, you better show up for youth ministry on Wednesday.”

“Bruised and all?” Eli frowned at Father.

“I said show up, didn’t I? Make up a story about what happened to you, since you like to talk so damn much.” The more my father spoke, the more anger seeped through his tone and words. “I’m going to put out feelers and hopefully find your mother, and when I do…” His words trailed off into silence. We knew what he meant, though.

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