Page 34 of Azriel

“I guess I’m a perch.”

The butterfly stayed all afternoon and hung around inside the wagon. It was almost like it wanted to be appreciated some more.

***

Azriel sat out in the forest near Meadow while he waited for Vali to return that evening. He wished the butterfly had stayed, but it probably wanted to go to bed since the sun was setting.

He saw the wagon in the distance, and he kicked his legs before he let himself slide off the branch he’d been sitting on. He flapped his wings to slow his descent and flew to catch up. When Vali paused the horses, Azriel joined him on the board seat.

“All done?”

“Yup. I saw a homeless guy begging on a street corner, and I gave him the extra money. I got food for my dinner and breakfast. You can share my food if you want to try it.”

“Hmmm. Maybe.”

Smoked ham wasn’t too bad. Azriel had a couple of bites, but he didn’t want bread or cheese. He sat by the opening in the back with Vali. The horses had their own food and were tethered for the night. They had a quick wash-up in the stream, and Vali had put extra clothes in his pack for Azriel so he had something different to wear.

Once they were laying on Vali’s cloak in the back of the wagon and talking, they started kissing after a bit. That led to groping, and Azriel thought he’d be fine at first.

It never seemed to be anything specific that caused the panic in his gut. It would clench, he’d suddenly remember something he wished to forget forever, and that would only increase the panic. Even though Vali hadn’t hurt him, he still couldn’t bear the nephilim’s hand between his legs, and he pulled away.

“I can’t…” Guilt made his stomach twist even more because he’d now rejected Vali twice in a row.

“What’s wrong?”

Azriel was what was wrong. Maybe Vali would get mad since he’d surely been expecting to finally get some action again. Azriel had gone and spoiled it all. He sat up and hugged his knees as his throat tightened.

“Azriel, if something’s wrong, you can tell me.”

“I’m sorry.” Since it was the second time, maybe Vali would get pretty pissed off now. Unvern had usually tried to guilt Azriel into going back to whatever they were doing, or some insult and maybe a hit would come instead.

“Why are you apologizing?” asked Vali. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just wondering why you’re upset. We don’t have to do anything, and we can cuddle or something instead.”

What about next time? Vali would grow tired of Azriel’s problems pretty fast. Some roommate and bed buddy he’d be. He mumbled something and hurried to get out of the wagon. The cool night air on his face didn’t help much when he went around the side and stopped because he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Azriel, wait! Did I do something? I’m sorry, and if you tell me, I promise I won’t do it again.”

Azriel burst into tears. It was even worse if Vali thought he’d done something wrong. “It’s not you!”

Vali stood in front of him. “If something’s wrong, you can tell me. I just want to know because if I did something wrong, I need to learn.”

“Red did stuff to me, and I tried to forget it, but I can’t help it when I start thinking of it, and I know you wanted to play around-I don’t know how to just forget it…” Vali’s figure blurred further as the words poured out of Azriel.

Vali was quiet for a second. “Red? Is that a past lover?”

Azriel shook his head. He shouldn’t have said anything. Nobody ever wanted to hear of that stuff. It was for the greater good, but nobody wanted to hear details of the shit that took place in secret. Vali hesitantly put his arms around Azriel who hugged him back as he sobbed.

“I’m trying to understand what you said-”

“I was twelve,” whispered Azriel.

Vali would surely be disgusted with him, he’d change his mind about everything, and he’d want them to split up. It wasn’t like he needed Azriel anyway. He could stay with his Mother for years and go to the fairy realm later. He’d be fine on his own, and he didn’t need some dirty angel tagging along.

Instead, Vali’s breath hitched, and he tightened the hug for a long moment. “Azriel…I didn’t know. I thought it was stuff because of the war there. You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“But you probably thought we we’re going to have sex or something.”

“Listen to me.” Vali loosened his hold, but it was only so he could look at Azriel and pat his cheek with his sleeve. “I don’t care how excited I am, or what might be about to happen. If you remember something, or anything bothers you, we can immediately stop. You don’t have to apologize or try to force yourself to keep going. I’m not going to be upset with you. You’re my friend, and the only one I’m upset with is that some sick bastard touched you as a kid.”

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