Page 85 of Lust

The atmosphere between us grows taut. I don’t know if it’s the medication, or the alcohol, or the reaction to my face being fucked up, but I can’t keep my next words in my mouth. “I want to kiss you now.”

We both stare at each other, neither of us speaking. She could run away or she could punch me again, but she does neither of those things. She just stares.

Her breathing deepens.

“Fuck. Say something.” She doesn’t. For the first time in her entire life, she’s speechless.

She furrows her eyebrows and I’m sure I see sadness in her eyes. “What do you expect me to say to that? After everything…”

I’m stressed and humiliated and she can’t give me one damned word? I lean forward. “I guess you won’t have to decide which eye to punch this time.”

I expect her to recoil in disgust, but she’s as still as a statue as I press my lips to hers. She stiffens. It’s like kissing cold marble.

I am so fucked up.

Shock paints her features as I pull back slowly.

“Well, you didn’t punch me, so I’ll call that a win,” I joke bitterly.

She looks on the verge of panic. Her chest is heaving, and she’s got a manic look in her eyes.

Damn it all to hell. This is a fucking mess.“Look, I’m sorr…”

“Don’t go for the hat trick, Barclay,” she says softly, then leans into me and claims my mouth.

41

NOT SCARED

ROWENA

Iknow we’re both lost and angry and probably more drunk than we ought to be, but kissing him isn’t as awful as I expected it to be. My brain is screaming at me to pull back, but it’s been a long time since I was desired by anyone. I never thought I’d want to kiss Felix. I don’t want to kiss Felix, but he’s so good at it that my resolve is somewhere in the bottom of a bourbon bottle, along with my pride and morals. As he parts my lips with his tongue, I find I don’t even care. If this is what shame feels like, I could live on it. I can taste the bourbon on his lips. I’d forgotten how good kissing could be. A sharp shock of electricity shoots through my veins as he runs his fingers through my hair.

I’m kissing Felix Barclay!

It’s insane and awful, exquisite and wonderful and I hate it and love it. I suck in a breath as he rips open the top of my dress and begins to kiss down toward my breasts. It’s a terrible and terrifying feeling being in such a vulnerable position with the one person that despises you above anyone else, but my body is desperate for touch and I can’t bring myself to stop this. He rips some more, then pulls my dress down over my shoulders until I’m naked from the waist up save for a bra. I always wear pretty bras and this one with its lace cups and ribbon opening at the front is no different. But now, as he stares at my breasts, I wish I’d have worn something else. Something less obvious, less sexy. He’ll think I anticipated this, which couldn’t be further from the truth. How could I have anticipated feeling this way?

With him?

He unfastens the ribbon excruciatingly slowly. I wait for the revulsion. Before I died, my breasts were hard, filed with silicone and underscored with two long silver scars. Now they are real. All flesh. The bra falls open. He stares at them, then palms one in his hand, grazing the underside of it with his fingers. He looks at it in awe and in that moment I realize he’s as scared of this as I am. Mr. High and Mighty is terrified of my breasts. Not because he’s never seen one before. I’m sure he’s seen hundreds in his time, but because he’s not sure what to expect. He’s not the only one, but I can’t guide him on this. I’m so desperately lost as it is.

He’s completely mesmerized, as though he was expecting something different. “They’re so soft and…” He looks up at me as though wanting me to finish the sentence for him.

“Normal looking?”

“Fucking beautiful,” he corrects. My heart races as he drops and places a kiss on the flesh above my nipple before running his tongue around it. Goose bumps erupt along my skin and I have to clamp my lips together to stifle the murmur threatening to escape. I coil my fists in his sheets and lift up slightly as he takes the top of my dress and eases it down over my hips. My panties match my bra in delicate white lace with little bows on them. He pulls me to my feet, which makes the dress and my bra fall to the floor. He pulls me to him and kisses me again. He’s fully clothed and I’m almost completely naked and it’s both terrifying and thrilling and I’ve never felt more vulnerable or more turned on. His kiss is everything it was before, but I’m disheartened by how quickly he skirted over my panties. It’s like he didn’t want to look. I feel his erection pressing against his pants so it’s not like he’s not turned on, but despite all this, he’s still fearful.

Or disgusted.

He pulls off his jacket and begins to unbutton his own shirt, but I put my hands to his and stop him.

I lick my lips and, in silent prayer. I lower my hands slowly to my panties and begin to pull them down. His eyes never leave mine as I ease them over my knees and let them fall to the floor.

“Look at me.”

His breathing is ragged and I can see how turned on he is, but he keeps his eyes locked on mine. It’s like a line he’s terrified to cross and I’ve never seen Felix terrified of anything before.

“Felix. Look at me. All of me.” My voice is quiet, but it is a demand. I’ve pushed myself way past the point of comfort. My breathing is ragged and my heart is pounding and the anticipation is overwhelming.

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