Page 31 of Blood Lust

I am sickened with myself. Looking in the mirror, I don’t recognize who I am. The voice, the one inside me that stirred when I was feeding. Is she the one that I am supposed to merge with? She is murderous. She’s led me to take a human life, and she will lead me to take more, I am certain. I absolutely donotwant to merge with that.

You have no choice. You will accept me.

“Shut up,” I say aloud to my reflection. “Shut up and leave me alone. This is my body, my life, and I won’t let you cause chaos and destruction.” The other Wren quiets down. I stare at myself into my own eyes, and even though she’s backed down for now, I can still see the flash of her that is dangerous in my eyes.

Opening the door, I’m not surprised to see Oz waiting for me.

Ofcourse,he is.

I am in pain, and whenever something is wrong with his little bird, he is there to care for me. I both love and hate him for it in this moment.

Saying nothing but still longing for his comfort, I ease myself into his lap. He accepts me willingly, cradling me to his chest in silence. I tighten the grip on the towel around my body, not wanting to make this any more awkward than it already is. I let him shift us so I am lying on the bed. He rests his head on my stomach and keeps it there. Without thinking, my hands begin playing with his hair, which feels soothing.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he starts, and I stiffen. “I just want you to know that all new vampires struggle with this, and you are not the first person in this house to make that same mistake.”

He doesn’t understand…

“I let her in. The other Wren, the one that I am supposed to merge with.” I bite my lower lip. I didn’t know how to explain this. I raise my hands to rub my temples and close my eyes. “She asked for control, and I fought it, but she took it anyway, and then she used me to kill.”

Oz sits up this time. “Wren, this wasn’t your fault. Your mind should have been healed during the turning. You should have become one entity, and that would give you a measure of control. When we can fix those things, it will get easier, I know.”

He seems so confident, but I am still unsure. I don’t say anything. I just lean back into the pillows and turn on my side, away from him. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t merge, and I kill people every time I try to feed? Will my family have to stop me? There is only so much murder they can allow before suspicion might point in this direction. Our family will be in danger if I don't fix this. Will they end me?

No.

Oz will never let that happen, I’m sure of it.

Will we run off together?

Destruction and death left behind in our wake?

A sure arm wraps around my waist, pulling me into the curve of his body. Protecting me, keeping me safe from whatever troubles are out there. I wish he could save me from myself. I wiggle and press my body into his, taking in his warmth. He strokes my bare arm gently, and soft kisses sweep across my shoulder.

“We can try again,” he tells me in a whisper. “When you’re ready.”

I fall asleep with Oz holding me, but his presence isn’t enough to stave off the nightmares this time.

Failure.Iamanutter failure when it comes to keeping my mate safe. Unable to protect her from the pitfalls of being a vampire. Even as she sleeps in my arms, I can see the events plaguing her. That human died. She now knows what it means to lose control of yourself. But this is different. She had been feral, crazed, and unyielding. It has to do with not merging her consciousness with the piece of wild predator that unlocks during the turning.

Pure speculation.

Rolando has been searching high and low foranythingresembling what has happened to Wren. So far, no reported cases of vampires failing to merge with their counterparts and become one. At least, not one we have access to. He’s tried to retrieve information from her SIM card, and nothing. We search for answers day after day, and everything we try is a dead end.

Having no precedent leaves me in the dark about how to guide her forward and save her from this turmoil the next time she needs to feed.

Sure, I could supply her with blood bags for a time, but it isn't a permanent solution, and we can’t reliably count on them to be available. Our supply comes from a local club. Vampires beguile humans who come and either feed on the dance floor or the human will be led to a room for donation. The blood is then circulated among the registered covens in the area, and the ones without covens can go to the club to try to feed.

It isn’t a perfect system, and there are times when the supply is limited, leaving us to our own devices of preying on the unsuspecting public of Callery. Using our abilities to keep ourselves concealed is everything. If Wren can’t control herself, the council will eventually take notice if she keeps killing.

New vampires are given a form of leeway initially, but she will be expected to get this under control sooner rather than later. I remain convinced the issue lies with her divided mind. This has to have been brought on by the head trauma during the accident, erasing her memories, causing her to reject the new part of herself during the transformation, and leading her to where we are now.

None of that will help me fucking fix it.

I stay up all day, watching her. Making sure she doesn’t struggle in her dreams, ready to rouse her the moment she does. She is strong, determined to stand up for herself, up for anything that comes at her. But in a way, she is also fragile—my little bird. I want nothing more than to fix everything.

I think up ideas of what we can try. The direct approach, her purposefully antagonizing her other self and trying to force a merger that way. Meditation, maybe slipping into a state of relaxation, would allow it to come together. And then there is the issue of memory. Will remembering who she is fix this? Will it be enough to force another attempt at the merger?

So many possibilities, and I hope one works.

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