Page 142 of Tantalizing Kings

Chapter 36

Sadie

I’ve been avoidingthe Host Club for the past two weeks. My time with them is up, our deals fulfilled. They gave me three different yet amazing nights. I learned so much about myself and my sexuality. It’s been an eye opener, for sure. I’m never settling, especially with sex. I know what I like now, what I want and I’m not afraid to keep exploring new things if given the chance.

The day in the stairwell, Grayson said he wanted to show me more, that he wasn’t done with me yet, and Declan has been showing more interest in spending time with me outside of sex. But the reason why I’m too afraid to face them now that my time with them is over is because I’ve been hit with the reality; this was all just an arrangement to them, that anything I thought they might have felt toward me was all an act.

That’s what Preston told me. That night with him was the most thrilling and confusing time of my life. Being with him was what I thought it would be like, and so much more. He was cruel, the words he said at any other time and place would have crushed me, humiliated me, only they sent a thrill through my body and mind. I became eager to do every dirty, fucked up thing he asked me to.

The pride in his eyes when I was his good girl, his good little whore, made me preen... it still does. It’s so fucked up, but I loved it.

He was in pain even though he did a good job of hiding it. He needed the control, I could see him barely hanging on. His father, that fucking monster, messed him up before he joined me that night, and I let him do whatever he wanted to me. I liked it. No, I loved it. Until I didn’t. Out of everything that happened, his parting words are what hurt the most.

But he’s right. This isn’t my world, and I should step away and move on with my life. Only, I can’t get them out of my head, and it’s fucking with my life.

I should be happy and renewed, excited to see where life takes me next. I should be finally giving into Collin’s crazy fantasy. He can give me everything a girl dreams of.

But I can’t because it’s not fair to him. I’m not ready to settle down with just one person. I spent the past three years of my life with someone who took me for granted, who didn’t love me. It’s not that I think Collin would be like that, if anything, he could be the complete opposite based on the way he’s presented himself.

Nope, it’s due to the fact that my heart wants three other guys. Yes, three. Because even though Preston has been an overall asshole to me, I know there’s a good guy somewhere deep down inside. I’ve seen the marks on his body, the fresh, blooming bruises. He was late that night because of them. And I know it was his horrible excuse of a father.

A part of me wants to save him from himself, from that monster. I can’t, though; I have nothing to offer him that he can’t already get. Other than love, but he doesn’t want that, and it breaks my heart.

I can’t have any of them, they’re not meant to be mine. And even if one of them came up to me and told me they want me, the arranged marriage be damned, I wouldn’t be able to accept for the same reason I can’t make Collin mine. My heart is split in four and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I keep telling myself space will help, time to move on, to give Collin a chance. Only, it’s pointless because I’ve had feelings for these men for a long time and had more than enough time away from them, yet when I walked into those red and gold doors, my heart was reminded of what I felt for them.

And now that I’ve spent time with them, giving them each a piece of my body and my heart, I’m screwed.

Have you ever had someone who’s left such an impact that you could be married with kids, living your life happy and content but still find yourself thinking about them, wondering what things would have been like if life went in another direction? I know for a fact, these men are going to be that for me.

No matter what I do, who I choose, it’s going to be a lose-lose situation. I’m royally fucked, and I don’t know what to do about it.

“I think you should just give the sexy, hot teacher a chance. I mean, he’s kinda creepy, but in a totally hot kind of way, you know. I’ve read some pretty panty dropping stalker books lately. Collin fits that vibe,” Alice rambles from my desk chair.

We’re hanging out at my house today. It’s been raining all day, and none of us want to leave the warmth of the cottage.

“It’s not that easy.” I sigh, pulling the arms of my sweater down to cover my hands, then wrapping my arms around my legs. “This is stupid, I’m stupid!” I groan dramatically and shove my face into my knees.

“You’re not stupid. You caught feelings for them, it was bound to happen. I’m not sure if you know this, but you're totally a closeted, hopeless romantic,” Mia informs, patting me on the back.

“This is all your fault.” I glare at Emma.

“Me!” she gasps, eyes widening. “How is this my fault?”

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