Page 132 of Tantalizing Kings

“Wanna talk about it?” Collin asks, his fingers lazily stroking up and down my arm.

Tears sting my eyes again. “I can’t believe he did that,” I whisper. “Sure, he’s not the best guy, but I never thought he would put his hands on me. He was the one who cheated; he was the one who only cared about himself. Why is he mad at me? Why hurt me?”

“Because he’s a fucking coward. He didn’t like the fact that you moved on and are doing fine without him. It hurt his pride and he lashed out. He’s a stupid boy who will never know how to love anyone but himself because he can’t see past his own ego. You were always too good for him, Sadie. You're too good for all of us. None of us deserve you. But it’s not going to stop me from showing you every day how fucking blessed I am to even be in your presence.”

I move my head up so that I can look into his eyes. “Thank you,” I whisper. “For everything.” Tears fall again. “For taking care of me last night. You saved me. If you didn’t pull him off me, I don’t know what he would have done to me. And I don’t think I could have survived that again.”

His whole body goes stiff.Fuck.I said too much. “Again?” His voice is so low and dangerous, even I feel a little spark of fear, although I know he would never hurt me.

“Leave it,” I plead with him. This isn’t something I can talk about right now... or ever. It’s too much and complicated. Also, if he almost killed Raymond for choking me, he would lose his mind if he finds out about this.

“Did someone hurt you before, Sadie?” He sits up, his eyes scary as fuck.

“Please, leave it,” I beg him.

His jaw is tight, eyes narrowed. “I can’t do that, Lollipop. There was a good chance that Raymond was going to take what he wanted from you. And you saidagain. You need to tell me or I will go out of my fucking mind until you do.”

I’ve never spoken about this, never said the words out loud. Maybe I should. I don’t have to tell him who. I need this, to get this off my chest. For someone other than myself to know because I’ve been holding this in for so long, I feel it eating away at my soul.

With the guys coming into my life, they made it a little bit brighter, smothered some of that darkness lurking within.

But last night, when Raymond put his hands on me, it all came rushing back.

“Two years ago I was at a party,” I start, turning my head, not able to look at him when I speak these words. “I was out of my mind drunk. I don’t remember much of that night, really. It’s why I haven’t told anyone this because it’s so confusing. I think maybe my mind suppressed the memories because of how fucked up they were, or maybe I really was just black out drunk. But I have bits and pieces that flash in my mind, things that haunt my dreams to the point sometimes I wake up screaming because of it. I don’t know for sure who, and I don’t know exactly what happened, but I knowsomethingdid.”

“What do you mean, Sadie? Did someone hurt you? Did someone touch you?”

“Yes,” I sob, hearing myself admit that out loud unleashes everything I’ve been holding back. “I don’t remember it all, but I remember being held down, crying, asking them to stop. I remember it hurting, and I remember wishing I was dead. That's it. But it was enough to ruin me.”

“Who?” Collin growls, I can feel his body vibrating from here.

I shake my head, wiping at my face. “No. It doesn't matter. I don’t remember enough for it to make a difference. It’s done, in the past. There’s nothing I can do to change it.” I let out a humorless laugh. “I’m glad I don’t remember, because if I did, I don’t think I would have survived.”

Collin pulls me back into his arms, and I go willingly. “I’m sorry, Lollipop.” I can hear the hurt in his voice. “I wish I was there to protect you. It fucking kills me that I wasn’t. And last night... fuck, I’m so sorry for not being there sooner. I should have kept a better eye on you.”

“Stop.” I lace my fingers through his. “You're not my keeper. It’s not your job to watch after me. I’m a big girl. You can’t be there all the time.”

“I can try,” he grumbles. I laugh, sinking deeper into his arms. He tucks his face into the crook of my neck and kisses my throat. “I’m not going to press it right now. I can see you’re hurting, and I don’t want to add to that. But I will find out who, Sadie. And I will make them hurt, make them scream. I will make them fucking bleed. Anyone who dares to hurt what's mine will pay. With their blood.”

I shiver at his declaration. I should be running for the hills at his unhinged words, but I find an odd comfort in them. This man has been there for me since the moment I was born. And continues to do so now tenfold. I have no doubt that this man would kill for me and that fills me with a sick thrill I don’t have the energy to deal with right now.

Even though my mind, heart and soul are a mess, he helps settle them, even just a little bit.

THE NEXT FEW DAYS AREawkward. No one really knows how to bring up what happened with Raymond, and honestly, I’m glad because I don’t want to talk about it. I know it’s not something I can just brush under the rug, and I have a meeting with my therapist for next week. It’s brought up a bunch of old memories that I wish I could just shove into the back of my mind where they’ve lived for the past few years.

I feel myself slipping back into my old skin, the skin I wore since that night that haunts me up until I made the deal with the host club.

I’ve changed in the past month, and I didn’t even realize how much until now. Since I’ve started working for the host club, I’ve grown more confident with what I look like and how I dress.

Before I started dating Raymond, I’d wear makeup, dress up all the time, and cared a lot about my appearance overall. I enjoyed makeup and shopping, feeling sexy in how I presented myself.

Then Tina and her toxic words took root, and over time, I started to change. Then, after that horrible night, I stopped putting in the effort.

Maybe it’s because I believed what Tina said. That I was undesirable, so why even try? Or maybe because how I looked drew too much attention. Attention from someone I didn’t want it from.

Baggy sweaters, leggings, and ponytails became my new thing. Maybe that's why Raymond went to other women, because I didn’t look like the girl he fell for anymore. Maybe the reason why I hardly did anything with him sexually was because in the back of my mind, I was too fucked up over what happened to me, and by me feeling used just for sex by him made me not want him to touch me at all.

The biggest difference between my ex and my guys is that they put me first. They give and don’t expect anything in return. I don’tfeelused.

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