Page 3 of There I Find Hope

“Glenn. Everyone says it was an accident. Don’t be so hard on her,” Diana said beside him, her voice as smooth as chocolate, even if her look was a little condescending. Maybe that was Sunday’s imagination, since she had to look up to her. With her tall, willowy figure and her long blonde hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and features that looked like they were lifted directly from an airbrushed magazine, she could have been a model.

Still, any kind of compassion was a lifeline especially after Glenn’s few words. He didn’t need to say much in order to hurt her already aching heart.

Sunday swallowed. The lessons from her childhood came to the forefront; they’d become automatic over the years, her default. Thankfully.

“I put his favorite outfit on him. He’s wearing his favorite sneakers. I know he can’t take his toys with him, but I put a few of his favorites in the casket.” Her voice, already soft, broke on the last few words.

She turned her head, unable to look directly at the still form of her son but letting her eyes drift to the corner of the coffin. Casket. Casket was a much better word. Coffin sounded so...dead.

She swallowed again. Her throat tight, sore from crying and from trying not to cry, and from being unable to stop crying, maybe from a little screaming as well.

No one ever said that when one loses a child, crying takes over one’s life. The thought of it, doing it, trying not to do it, recovering from doing it, thinking about doing it again.

It was all there. All in her heart. The crying. Everything.

Glenn lifted his chin, acknowledging her words while at the same time making sure she understood she wasn’t on his level. She was beneath him.

The child beside Diana fussed a little, tugging at his mom’s hand, holding onto it, leaning down.

“Be still,” she said, and the words sounded harsh to Sunday.

Sunday wanted to tell her that she needed to be kind. To appreciate the little tug on her arm, the squirming child beside her, not to worry about whether he was inconveniencing her or not, because the day might come when she didn’t have to worry about him moving. She didn’t have to worry about him wanting to do something other than what he was supposed to do. When he would be gone forever.

“He doesn’t have his red truck. That was his favorite.” Glenn leaned over the casket and looked at it dispassionately, like the kid that was lying there so still was not his. “Of course, if you were actually a mother who cared about him, you would have known what his favorite color was.”

Glenn’s words hurt. She already felt like she was a terrible mom, and while she knew that Blake’s favorite color was blue, and Glenn obviously didn’t have a clue, was just saying things designed to put her down and hurt her, his words just confirmed her thought that she was a terrible mom.

“But being with you all the time, he was turning into a bit of a sissy. Last time he was in my house, he wanted to play with one of Breanna’s dolls. I wasn’t going to let that happen.” Glenn gave a humorless laugh, which Sunday barely heard.

It was one thing for him to insult her. She deserved it. It was another thing for him to say something so unkind about her son.

After she recovered, she would realize that there really wasn’t anything that terrible about what he said, but maybe it was the grief, maybe it was her lack of sleep, maybe it was just the fact that she had lost her only child and she was completely devastated, but his words made red fill up her vision until a rage burst in her chest, until the default actions of her childhood were totally obliterated and the only thing she could think of was to hurt the man who had caused so much pain in her son’s life.

“You are a—” and a word, profane and vile, came out of her mouth. It was a word she had never said before in her life, but it rolled off her tongue like she’d said it since babyhood, smooth and fitting and so very, very satisfying.

But that wasn’t the most amazing thing that happened. At least, hearing the story told later, the most amazing thing was that her fingers curled into claws, her face twisted in outrage, and her body lunged at her ex-husband, knocking Diana and Sidney down in the process.

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