Page 21 of The Truths We Seek

Dead.

Because of me.

My throat tightens and I try to swallow past it, to keep the tears away. My face is still puffy from crying myself to sleep.

I’m not sure when Meyer brought me to bed last night. Or if it was Rory. I don’t remember much of exactly what they told me, except the part I’ll never forget. The words that will haunt me forever.

So much death… just because I wanted to escape my life.

A part of me thinks I should’ve just stayed in my old life with Trent. Should have just tried to survive the hand life dealt me. I’d probably be dead by now, but that’s just me, rather than the long list of names currently on my soul’s ledger.

The guys seem to think that by their sheer force of will alone, I’ll believe this isn’t my fault, but I can’t see how it isn’t.

Do I know that Trent is responsible for his actions and the consequences? Obviously, I’m not completely delusional. But if Trent is responsible for his actions, then I am for mine.

Which means the guys are for theirs too.

I let out a huff at the rational voice chirping up in my head, but still bite down on my lip, wincing when I taste blood. Logic and reason have no home in my mind right now. All I have is emotion and no matter how much I try not to let it overwhelm me, I fail.

Tommy tried to teach me that emotions were good, but the anger that rages inside of me like the worst kind of storm can’t be good.

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone while I fight the war inside of myself, which is why I’ve stayed up here all day. The guys have so much going on, but my guilt keeps dragging me under, like my very own monster, dragging me to the depths of my darkest shadows to cage me for bringing Trent upon them.

Rational me knows they willingly took me in. Rational me knows that Tommy made his own choices too.

But the monster doesn’t belong to rational me.

The monster lives in the depths of my shame, created by my father, reinforced by my mother, and Trent fed it until it became the leviathan it is today.

I beat it once.

I ran.

But look what’s happened since then.

My phone pings, and a smile ghosts my lips when I see Meyer’s name.

It’s like he knew…

They always know.

Meyer

Get dressed. I’m taking you for lunch before we go and get Hunter. Meet me in the kitchen in 20.

I want to smile at the message, but smiling feels a million miles away. Hunter is coming home and I should be happy about that.

I am happy about that, it’s just buried beneath the rubble of devastation. Letting out a reluctant sigh, I drop my phone onto the bed beside me. Being in bed this late in the day isn’t something I do, but I’ve also never felt loss like this. The thought of carrying on like nothing happened, the guilt of just being happy the last few days. It’s hard to put everything in order inside of me.

The thing that finally gets me moving is the knowledge that Tommy would kick my ass from here to kingdom come if he saw me wallowing. Even over him.

Pick yourself up, kid. We only get one life. You might as well roll with the punches and keep living.

I smile at his voice in my head as a tear slips down my cheek. I can’t count the number of times I heard him say that, usually when I was freaking out after Trent had found me in yet another town.

Part of me is angry at Trent. For not giving up. For not just letting me go. But mostly, I’m angry at myself for putting other people at risk. For caring about people.

For being human.

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