Page 55 of The Truths We Seek

I take another deep breath, blinking back the tears that threaten to breach again, and read his scrawl.

Quinn,

My precious little pain in the ass, if you’re reading this, well, I’m sorry, because it means I left you, and way before I ever intended to.

I know letters aren’t really what the kids do, and you can tease me all you like for my old-timer ways, but I swear, you keep calling me old man and I’ll haunt you from whatever grave I’m put in.

A laugh spills from my lips as his voice sounds in my head. I wouldn’t put it past him either, haunting me just for shits and giggles. Shaking my head, I wipe away my tears again and keep reading.

I know this isn’t exactly our way. Feelings aren’t something we talk about, not really, but I need you to know that letting me help you that day…it saved me in a way I didn’t even realize I needed. Not until we were already in the thick of it and you were being a giant pain in my ass.

You were the daughter I got to save, you gave me new purpose in a world that was becoming monotonous and breathed life back into me just as I was getting too set in my ways and turning hard.

You helped me live again. Feel again. Reconnect with life again.

Because of you, I dared to try and experience what life had to offer. You inspired me with your strength. Even when you thought you were weak, you were my inspiration to keep going. Especially when I got to kick your ass for doubting yourself.

Kid, you were the light of my life and there isn’t anything I can ever say or do to tell you just how much you did for me. Especially with this spider scrawl of mine. How am I two pages in already?

See, you infected all of my life, even the way I talk to myself.

But you infected it in the best ways. I had no family left until I met you. I’d cut pretty much everyone out, and then you blasted the ice away from my dark, unbeating heart and showed me that happiness can be found in even the smallest of things.

I failed you. Because if you’re reading this, it means someone got to me and I didn’t hold up my end of our deal.

A sob chokes me as I remember the stupid deal we made that one night he found me with a bottle of vodka and a bottle of pills. The night when Trent had found me yet again, and I didn’t see the point in going on. The deal that we’d both grow old and decrepit and only go out when we’d done everything on the list we wrote together.

That list we wrote is in here for you, cause it’s on you now, kid. You need to complete it for the both of us. I’m sorry that I won’t be there to watch you grow, to watch you thrive, because I know you will. You’re too special not to. There is a light in you that I don’t think you even realize is there, but it’s what woke me up from the longest darkness I’ve ever known, and I know the boys see it too.

Enjoy your life, kid. Live it for the both of us.

Know that even if I’m gone, I never regretted helping you. Not once. Even if it’s what led to my end. You were worth all of it. Every single grumble, every headache, every paperwork trail that I hated. Worth that and so much more.

I’ve sorted my will so you’ll be looked after, Meyer should get it not long after I’m gone.

Be good to yourself, kid. Dream big and chase every single one.

I love you. Always have. Always will.

Keep smiling, and don’t waste those tears on me you hear?

Live big, live loud, love wild and relentlessly.

Regret only the things you did and not the things you don’t.

I’ll never regret you. Not in this life or the next.

Now take that list and run free.

Miss you already,

This old man.

Tears fall freely down my face as I finish the third page of his letter and find the bucket list we made together tucked behind it. A smile graces my lips when I see some of it crossed out, but there’s still so much we were meant to do.

Oh, God.

He’s really gone.

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