Page 18 of The Secret of Pain

“I just mean that if she’d done the ritual by now, she’d either have her weapons or be concealed so she wouldn’t have been attacked,” he growls back at her, and I see her eyebrows lift. Part of me wants to ask about my weapons, color me intrigued, but I’ve heard enough times now that they can’t tell me anything until I remember, and I’ve basically given up asking. It goes entirely against my nature, but I’m over the constant fighting that comes with asking even the smallest of questions.

“Oh, is that right? So, the factions don’t just attack humans at random? Well, I guess we can go put our feet up then, can’t we? Our job is done.” She rolls her eyes, and I can’t help the laugh that escapes me.

“You guys, can you not? My head is killing me,” I ask. “Hilarious as this is, I want to make the most of going back to sleep before my memory of last night returns and I’m likely to never sleep again.”

“Of course, sweetie. Sorry. I’ll keep the guys away, we could all use a few more hours sleep. You rest up. Feel better. Your Hunter healing is working, so you won’t be down for much longer, though it will be slower since you haven’t completed the ritual.” She smiles at me and shoos my dad from the room. I stop a laugh from rising again and battering my bruised everything.

I lie back down and close my eyes when the memories start to come back. A face, and a feeling of fear like I’ve never known.

* * *

I stretch out as the sun brightens the room, and just for a second I’m free before the memory of why I’m in my childhood room hits home. I get up and look in the mirror, and gasp. No more cuts or bruises, my ribs feel fine. Hell, I feel better than I have maybe ever.

What the ever-loving fuck?

“It takes a minute, but you get used to it.” I spin and find Creek leaning against the doorframe, a steaming cup of coffee in his hands.

“I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to this.” I sigh and sit back on the bed. Glad to be in at least a tank and some boy shorts. He laughs and shakes his head.

“You’ll be amazed. Once the memories start to come back…” he pauses and looks at me, like he’s staring at my very soul. My breath catches, and I hold it until he looks away. “Well, you’ll see. If you complete the ritual. Though, after last night, and knowing everything… I can’t imagine you ever not picking the life of a Hunter. The other factions would rejoice at the infamous Remy Bennett rejecting her heritage.” He shakes his head and strides across the room, offering me the mug of coffee.

I grab the mug and close my eyes as I take a sip, unsure what to even say to that. Every time I’ve asked my family questions to this point, they’ve told me no, but Creek… Maybe he won’t be such a hard ass. Maybe he’ll actually clue me in a little. Figuring the worst he can do is tell me no, I take a breath and look back up at him.

“Can I ask questions? About who I was, about what you know?” I ask him quietly, and he sighs before sitting opposite me. It feels strange, looking at this man who almost looks like a stranger but feels like the person I’ve been closest to my entire life. His eyes are about the only thing that hasn't changed. His face is sharper, his hair longer, a beard that I never would have believed would have suited him, but somehow does. His shoulders are broader and arms stronger than I would have thought possible. Every inch of his skin is covered in ink, telling stories I know nothing about, but I know the man beneath, and I know that he wouldn’t have marked himself unless it meant something to him.

He runs a hand through his light hair, and I wait while he tries to find the words.

“I wish… There is so much… But I can’t. Not until the process is complete. You need to gain your memories yourself, only if you have holes after it all can I fill you in. You have no idea how much I want to tell you… to close the gap I can feel between us. Especially when…”

He stops and I can see how hard it is for him. No matter how angry I am at him, I don’t want to cause him pain.

“It’s fine, don’t. If you can’t, then I’ll just have to wait.”

“Does that mean you made your decision?” he says, and I can see him fighting the joy that is trying to rise at the possibility.

“I think so.” I nod, trying to tamper down the emotions waging a war inside of me.

Yes, I love Jack, but I know he’d never believe any of this, let alone be on board with any of it. It means giving up everything I’ve worked toward my entire life. But the idea of letting those things run free, knowing I chose to do nothing about it while innocent people are mutilated and murdered at their hands, that isn’t something I can live with. I thought about it when I woke in the middle of the night, and the whole thing plagued my dreams. I could easily have been killed last night. It was a fluke and pure genetics that kept me alive, gave me another chance at life. I can’t waste that chance by doing nothing.

I also can’t give up the people who have always been there for me. Even with the lies and deception, I know deep down that they were trying to protect me, no matter how much it still stings.

“I just, I have a lot to sort out. I have my whole life planned, well, had. It’s just…” I sigh. “It’s a lot. Last night opened my eyes, in the worst of ways, but I know in my heart that I can’t just keep trying to ignore that part of life. That I can’t keep pretending I don’t know it exists. I’d live in fear, constantly looking over my shoulder, and that irks a part of me so deep in my soul, that I know this is the right decision.”

He leans forward and wraps me in the biggest bear hug of my life, and I let go of some of the rage and bitterness I’ve been keeping in my heart toward him, hugging him back.

“I missed you,” he breathes and squeezes me tighter. He releases me and heads toward my door. “I know this isn’t an easy choice for you. For any of us, but you’re doing the right thing, no matter how much it hurts now. There’s so much more to this, to everything, than you can imagine. I’m going to start breakfast, but don’t worry, I won’t say anything.”

“I know you won’t. Thank you,” I tell him, but what I don’t tell him is that actually, this was a pretty easy choice. Is this going to break my heart? Blow up my current life? Hell yes, it is, but will the other choice, not going through the ritual, be the better one in the long run? Something inside me tells me yes, that it would be simpler, that I’d be happier, and yet...

Last night showed me that I am strong enough for this, yes, I was scared but I didn’t break. I didn’t die. I survived. I might not have killed the Dracul, but I survived. Without any training or any idea what the hell I was doing, I survived, and something deep inside of me feels like a missing piece of myself that I’ve been searching for has clicked into place.

I take a deep breath and get ready for the day. Ready to face everyone at breakfast, and then, then I need to go and face the rest of my life with the decisions I’ve made.

* * *

The smells coming from the kitchen make my mouth water as I finish drying my hair. I throw on a pair of denim shorts, a tank, and a shirt from the limited wardrobe I still have here before heading down where I can hear hushed voices. Two guesses what they’re talking about. I roll my eyes and laugh.

“You guys suck at being stealthy. How you manage to keep the monsters at bay bewilders me.” I laugh again as I head straight for the coffee pot, which has just finished. I pour a mug and turn to face the four people looking back at me with a whole range of expressions on their faces. The amused Creek, the concerned Colt, Maddie looks almost guilty, and my dad, well, he just looks grumpy like usual.

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