Page 14 of The Secret of Pain

The door shuts softly and the floodgates open. I cry until I can’t breathe, grieving for the life I can’t have. Whichever choice I make, I lose.

* * *

Pulling up in front of my dad’s house, I shut off the car and stare at the front door. The last time I was here my entire world got tipped on its axis. But I need some more answers, and while my dad might be gruff, I know he won’t sugarcoat the truth. He’ll give me it straight, even if it’s not what I want to hear. His mantra has always been that the two most important things in life are family and truth.

The irony of it doesn’t miss me, but I guess his truth is the Hunter truth.

I take off my seatbelt and climb out of the car, still trying to convince myself that this is the right thing to do. I’ve never run from hard things before, I face them, head on. It’s how I was raised. I’m not about to change all of that because of this, even if it is the most craptastic thing I’ve ever heard.

As I climb the steps, the front door opens and my dad meets me on the porch, two mugs of coffee in his hands. He passes one to me and nods toward the swing out here. “It’s good to see you, Remy girl.”

His voice is gruff as ever, but it has a softness, a wariness, and I hate that I’m the cause of that.

“Hey, Dad. Sorry, I just needed some space. It’s a lot to process, all things considered.” I smile and take a sip of the coffee, strong and sweet, just how I always have it, and he nods.

“I get that, and we never wanted to lie to you or mislead you, but I need you to know that we had no choice.”

I shrug at his words and he sighs like he’s frustrated as he shakes his head.

Oh yeah, like he’s the one that gets to frustrated right now. I don’t think so.

I open my mouth to say as much, but he speaks before I get chance. “So, what brings you here?”

“I need more information. I can’t just make this decision on a whim. I’ve got a lot to lose, no matter what I choose.” I pull my knees to my chest and he sighs again.

“Ask away, you know I’ll never lie to you again. I won’t tell you what you want to hear either though.”

“I know, that’s why I’m here. Truth and family, remember? So, first, I need to know. Why twenty-one? It makes no sense to me. I’ve had so much time to start my life already, why bring that all crashing down now?”

He runs a hand down his face, stroking his beard as he tries to put the words together in his head. I recognize the look so I sit as patiently as I can for him to formulate what he wants to say. “The honest truth of it is, I don’t know one hundred percent. The Elders can probably answer that question better for you, or an Angel should you ever come across one, but the simplicity of it is genetics. The merging of human and Angel DNA takes longer to mature. There is something of a chemical imbalance in us until then, which is why our forms can’t take the flood of chemical and hormone release during the ritual to gain your memories again. Plus, your strengths are not unlocked until this age. There is no point in ruining the innocence of growth with the knowledge of all that is wrong in the world. Once upon a time, we tried to do it earlier, but the results… they were catastrophic. Any who discovered what they were before this age started recalling their memories without the ritual, and they died. Each and every single one of them. Our bodies just cannot cope with the influx before then.”

“Okay, well that was a lot. But I’ve got to know, what actually is the ritual?” I ask, knowing I should’ve questioned this all long before now.

He looks up at the sky, quiet for a minute, like he’s contemplating his answer before his eyes are back on me. “I can’t tell you much, because I don’t want to trigger you. But it’s a ceremony, the Elders are all there, and you’re guided through the ritual to become awakened. If I could tell you more, I would, because I know you have more questions. It’s you, you always want the who’s, what’s, when’s and how’s of everything, but I have to be careful with this.”

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I guess something is better than nothing. I also know that my dad is stubborn as a mule so pushing him right now isn’t going to work either. If he thinks he’s protecting me, he’ll keep his mouth closed as tight as his asshole.

Instead I nod, trying not to sound frustrated. “Okay, then next question… Who, and or what, exactly are the Elders?”

“The Elders are the leaders of the Hunters, our government of sorts, I guess, but also our police, our lawmakers. Our judge and jury. There are seven of them, one from each original bloodline, your grandfather is an Elder, I am his proxy, so when he dies, I take his place until he is reborn. Once he takes his memories back, I step down. Each Elder rules a territory, and we call the Hunters within the territory a guild.”

“Okay. Wow. Erm. Okay,” I say, trying to let it all sink in.

It sounds unbelievable. All of it. “So, we can’t die?”

“Well, yes and no. We all die, but Hunters, Nephilim, whatever you want to call us, are reborn. It is a gift of the Angel blood that runs through us. But we can ask for true death, should we wish it. Some do not wish to continue the cycles, for some it becomes too much. It is not easy, but it is possible. Though, if a child dies before they reach maturity and unlock their powers, they meet the true death. It is why we protect our young so fiercely.”

I blink, unable to find the words I want to say. I’ve seen my dad worked up, but it’s like his entire being glows as he is speaking. I’ve never seen him believe in something so much.

“And you don’t regret your decision, even with Mom?” I ask softly.

“I miss your mother every damn day. But I’ll never regret my decision, and neither would your mom.”

“Could she have been reborn yet?” I ask hesitantly, still not really understanding how it all works.

“Unlikely. The way the Fates pull the strings is hard for me to understand, even after living as many times as I have. All I know is, usually, we’re reborn in the same time, so we can meet as the Fates intended. It’s possible your grandparents are currently reborn, but I haven’t heard from anyone in the factions to make me think they are. They could have taken the option of true death, but I’ll doubt your grandfather would do that.”

“True death?” I ask, trying to make sense of it all and failing miserably.

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