Page 13 of The Secret of Pain

I don’t want any of this. I am not strong enough to deal with this life. No matter what they say. Twelfth life. Are they insane? And yet, I can feel the truth of it deep down inside of me, no matter how much I want to cart them all off to an asylum.

But Dad did say I have a choice. I don’t have to be who they all, so obviously, want me to be. I can choose the life I have. The path I’ve always wanted. To be a doctor. To marry Jack. To be a mom.

Because I’d be giving all of that up. And I can’t give up Jack. Can I?

I love him.

So what if I am plagued by dreams. Dreams, which I’m guessing are probably some weird form of memories, of loving others. Of fighting for more, being more. I am not that person. Not now. I want too many different things.

My breathing speeds up, as if I’m panting. The indecision of it all ripping through me.

I am not strong enough to be who they want me to be. I am not a fearless warrior.

I’m the girl who drops bottles at the bar and prays they don’t smash. I’m the girl just about to start a career helping people, to take an oath to do no harm. That girl is not the same girl who would hunt and kill monsters. It just isn’t.

Is it?

A knock sounds on my door, and I ignore it, just as I have the last two weeks. I haven’t left my apartment, calling in sick to my job, telling Jack how I’m not feeling well sick and he needs to stay away. Not needing an excuse for my family. They know why I don’t answer.

I wrap the blanket tighter around me and stare out of the window again. Trying to put my world back together. Yes, I’m being a little dramatic, but fuck me, give me a minute.

A key turns in the lock. I turn to see who the hell has my spare key when Colt and Creek waltz into my living room like they belong here.

“Get out,” I tell them and turn my back to them, looking out the window.

“Remy, come on. You can’t ignore us forever,” Colt says and comes to stand in front of me, his arms crossed. “We couldn’t tell you before now, it would’ve fucking killed you. Stop being such a brat.”

I stay silent, not willing to be reasonable about this yet. What hurts the most, more than the Hunter thing, is my mom. Knowing that it wasn’t my fault she died. The guilt that I’ve carried with me since she died has been crippling, affecting everything I’ve done. Every choice I’ve made. And it was for nothing.

And they knew. Colt and Creek. My two closest confidants. Thick as thieves. They knew how much what happened to Mom fucked with me, and still, they said nothing.

“Is this why you came back? Just for the big reveal? To take part in the downfall of my sanity?” I snarl, and Colt throws his hands up in the air, walking away from me.

I close my eyes against the sunlight that batters them once he moves out of the line of the window, then the darkness gets more intense. I open them to find Creek sitting on my coffee table in front of me.

“Remy, we came home for you. Just like we left for you.”

“Left for me. That’s a new one.” I laugh.

“Believe it or not, but it’s the truth,” he says softly as he folds his arms. His hair falls into his eyes, but he pays it no attention, his soft and steady gaze kept solely on me.

“We were a danger to you once we knew. New Hunters need training while their memories return. They can be dangerous to younger Hunters who don’t know, because we’re not as used to keeping our damn mouths shut. Why do you think I didn’t speak to you while I was gone? It killed me to shut you out like that. But it was shut you out or risk killing you,” he says, and I can hear his hurt and his frustration.

“All sounds like a good excuse to me.” I shrug.

“Fucking hell, Remy. Stop being such a fucking brat. Neither of us wanted to leave everything we knew, but we did. To keep you safe. To make sure you didn’t end up dead. We didn’t have to worry about Nirvana, she’s away at school. You are the whole reason we left everything behind and went to train with Hunters on the other side of the goddamn world, rather than stay with our family and learn from those that know us best.” Colt throws his hands up in the air and shakes his head at me.

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the words I want to say falling from my mouth. I know what they’re saying is reasonable. It’s more than that, it’s everything, but I’m not ready to be reasonable yet. I’m fucking terrified of what all of this means.

“I need you guys to go. Please.” I whisper the words, scared that my voice will give away the tears I feel threatening. Creek looks over my shoulder to where Colt is standing in my kitchen.

“We’ll go, we’ll give you more space, but time is running out, Remy. You’re not safe if you don’t make a decision. The memories will keep trying to come, and without the ritual, that alone could kill you,” Creek says softly. “I know it’s a lot, and I know how terrified you are, I can see it, but we’ll go. Just know that we’ll be here when you’re ready.”

I nod, not daring to say another word and he stands, squeezing my shoulder before he walks away. I know there are a million questions I should ask, things I want to know about what the hell this ritual is, what happens during it, but every time I even think about asking, opening my mouth to say the words, nothing happens. Every single question evades me. The chaos in my mind is running wild, and I’ve got nothing.

“I don’t get why we’re giving up,” Colt snarls as they leave.

“We’re not,” Creek says softly. “We’re just doing what we must for her, just like we always have.”

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