Page 31 of Tusk & Puck

“Oh man, Ryan’s gonna be so excited when I tell him about this!” she says as we walk away from the fire and into the darkness. “Our aunt gets to kiss Jaromir!”

I freeze for a moment. If Ryan hears it, so does the whole hockey team. That’s already weird enough, but then it’s going to spread to Coach Hill and the school. I try to think about watching the team while all the kids have decided Jaromir and I are in love.

They’re going to make that annoyingOoooooooosound so much. And that’s if things go well.No, there’s no way. I hate doing this, but I have to.

“Tina, I’m gonna ask you a favor. I want you to not tell Ryan. Or anyone.”

She looks surprised. “Why not?”

“Because I still don’t know what that kiss means myself,” I say. At least I can try to be honest about this much. “And because Jaromir and I still have to work together, at least until the season is over, and it will make it awkward if everyone thinks. And… and it’s our business…”

I trail off, but Tina nods. She understands, maybe better than I want her to.

“But you are going to tell him yourself, right? When it’s okay to?”

“Sure,” I agree. “If anything comes of it other than one kiss, I’ll tell him. But in good time. Is that a deal? Can you keep that a secret until I tell him?”

She thinks about it. “I guess it is sort of your business… Okay, sure. I’ll let you tell him. But you do have to do it!”

“Deal.”

We walk in silence. The shadow of the cabin looms upfinally, ahead of us.

“Do you think something will come of it?” she asks. “I mean, do you like him? Do you want to kiss him more? Or whatever it is adults do?”

“That’s a complicated question,” I tell her, opening the door.

“It is?” she says, surprised. “I thought when you were in love with someone, you just knew it!”

I think about that for a moment. The way the whole world seemed to fade away and it was just the two of us, but somehow, it was still enough. Is that what love feels like? It could be, couldn’t it?

“I think it’s a little more complicated than that,” I say finally. “Everyone has to figure out for themselves what love feels like to them. And sometimes it doesn’t feel like you expect it to. Sometimes you can even be totally sure you’ve found it, and then, poof, realize it was just you wanting it so much, you fooled yourself.”

There’s a pause as she mulls that over. “Being a grown-up sounds complicated.”

“Yeah, but you get to eat candy whenever you want, so it balances out.”

There’s another pause.“Wait a second. Don’t you also stop wanting candy as much when you’re grown up?”Tina’s always been good at noticing the catch.

Eventually, I get her to bed. For a moment, I think about going back to the fire to see if Jaromir is still there. I want to apologize if I upset him with anything I said to Tina. I want to hear what he’s thinking. Most of all, I just want to be with him a little longer.

I think about the feeling of kissing him and about just how safe and good it was. That certainly could be love, couldn’t it?

That’s the hard part about being an adult. You don’t get to ask someone else about these things. At the end of the day, I have to decide if that’s love, and if it is love, what I want to do with it. And somehow, I have to do it all on my own.

But I don’t have to do it tonight. That’s another nice thing about being an adult. You get to decide when you deal with a problem and when you put it off until tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I just want to think about that moment. I want to dream about sitting next to the fire with Jaromir and not needing anything else but each other. Maybe that’s love or maybe it’s something sillier.

All I have to know tonight is that it’s pleasant to think and dream about. It feels nice to lie there, and it feels nice to imagine him out there somewhere in the night, thinking about me the same way.

17

JAROMIR

Ihave to hand it to Melody, she has a good head on her shoulders. Establishing that we should keep our dates out of town to avoid gossip is a great idea. I’m more than happy to oblige this caveat if it means I get to spend more time with her.

Lessening our chance of being seen by other faculty and staff from the school is important. Dating a coworker can get messy, even if I’m not officially a member of the faculty myself. It can still end in a mess if we aren’t careful.

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