Page 46 of Family Like This

I’m still mad, though. Even if I’m not sure it’s just at him.

I pull the sheets up farther, wishing I could hide. If I close my eyes, maybe I’ll be somewhere else. Except I don’t know where that somewhere would be. My old apartment? I don’t know. I don’t know what my safe space is anymore. I’m not even sure it was my last apartment. That was just all I had. That’s probably part of the problem. Everything is changing, and I’m so overwhelmed I can’t think straight. Nothing feels wrong exactly, but I’m not settled in my life right now, either.

I’m clinging to the things I’ve always relied on, especially my independence, more than usual. Though I know it’s not his intent to strip those things away, it’s how I feel and that makes me defensive and want to close off.

I don’t know how to do this.

The last relationship I had was in high school, and I was not the same person then.

I relied on my high school boyfriend. I trusted him and wanted him to take weight off me. Sure, I was still strong, but I hadn’t learned how to be fully independent. Losing my dad and said boyfriend dumping me in the same week definitely urged that lesson on, but once everything happened with my mom, that’s when I really learned my own strength and what I was capable of enduring. I’m strong and resilient, but I’m not just me anymore.

I have a baby to think about, and a… partner. Boyfriend seems like the wrong word because he’s more than that. We’re more than that. I’m carrying his baby. And I’m falling for him. But we’ve known each other for such a short amount of time, and there are plenty of things wedon’tknow about each other.Like how to communicate with each other.Or what the other needs when we disagree or fight.

And I’m not sure I know how to apologize—not that it was all my fault. I had some valid points, but we have to find some common ground.

I glance over at the door, but I can’t go back out there right now.

I’m mad at myself and I’m mad at him. And I’m tired. So tired of parsing through a thousand emotions every single day and still not knowing how I feel. Everything is exhausting and too much, and I feel like I’m bobbing around in the ocean on a raft, then waves come and twist me around, pull me under, and spit me out again. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m supposed to do next.

Resting my hand over my stomach, I close my eyes. I never want my child to feel this way. Maybe I can’t control that, but…

Oh god.

Now I’m the one trying to control things.

That’s it. I need to take a break from thinking about this.

Can’t stop overthinking? Rest your brain.

Snuggling into the sheets, I breathe deeply, and eventually my brain shuts up and lets me get some rest.

Miles

“We should get tattoos,” Sarah says with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

“Yes,” Mackenzie agrees, water splashing as she lifts her hand to high-five Sarah.

“Something to commemorate college graduation and the new phase in our life, but also our friendship,” Rae says.

“Hell yes,” Aaron says.

We’re all at Joel’s parents’ house in the hot tub. One last time, as we all move forward. Rae and Aaron are moving into the farmhouse next weekend. Sarah and Joel will be slowly moving into the log cabin and living there officially after their wedding. Mackie is taking over Rae and Aaron’s current apartment.

And I’m living with my girlfriend. Even if it’s not going exactly as planned.

I examine my fingernails through the warm water of the hot tub. If I look up, everyone else will see my inner turmoil. Normally, I can put my mask on and be here with my friends, but Amelia broke that mask today when she started in on me about being controlling.

I keep turning everything she said over and over in my mind. Yes, I’m trying to control certain things to help keep her safe, but most of it is me genuinely wanting to take care of her. I don’t want her to have to be on her feet or climbing on stools. That’s not just me. I think if I Googled it, the search results would say pregnant women shouldn’t be climbing on stools.

This isn’t how I wanted our first day living together to go. It’s bad enough that I’m not there tonight, but this was planned long before our official move-in date was, so Amelia encouraged me to still come. Tonight, I’m sure she was grateful for it, since she didn’t come out of her room all afternoon. Before I left, I asked if she needed anything. She told me no. Then I mentioned I left food in the fridge and she reminded me yet again she could handle feeding herself.

A couple of weeks ago, she was begging me to make her dinner and crying in my arms. Now she’s pushing me away and getting pissed when I’m trying to take care of her.

I know she’s pregnant, but it’s more than that. This is something bigger, and it makes me nervous. We charged ahead. We’re finally together. She doesn’t seem happy though, and I’m not sure what to do about that. If I can do anything. Every cell in my body screams for me to fix it. To comfort her. I don’t know how to do that, and it makes me feel like a failure. Weak. Which heightens my anxiety, so I try to control shit, and now she’s pissed at me for being controlling, and there’s my shattered mask lying on the floor.

“Maybe you should paint your fingernails,” Rae says, poking me in the leg with her toes.

I pop my head up.Shit.I zoned out for way too long. I look around the hot tub at everyone. Another thing I’m fucking up. I should be present tonight. One last hot tub night to celebrate the end of college and the beginning of the next chapter of our lives. Yet, here I am, being a big downer and not being in the moment.

---