Page 99 of Family Like This

“Do you have any other questions for us?” the nurse practitioner asks.

“I had been wondering about what genetic testing options are available for me to find out if this… might be my future.”

“Right,” the nurse practitioner says. “I’ll speak with her doctor when he gets back from vacation, and see what he suggests, but you’ll likely need to look into genetic testing on your end. For that, I would recommend speaking with your doctor or a genetic counselor.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“That’s all we have. If you have any other questions, you can call us,” Noelle says.

“Thank you all,” I say, rising from my chair.

I exit the social worker’s office—which is located inside the unit my mother is in—desperate for some fresh air. Of course there’s none to be found, just the stifling nursing home smell that makes me nauseous.

I pause for a moment, leaning against the wall, my hand resting on my bump.

I don’t know how to make sense of the emotions swirling inside me. They’re too much. Everything is too much.

I suck in a breath, then push off the wall, heading for my mother’s room. For now, I will focus on visiting with her because there’s nothing else I can do.

When I walk into her room, she’s happily visiting with Miles and Katie.

“There’s my girl,” she says. Her speech is clear today, but some days are worse than others. Based on the meeting I just had, it seems she’s forgetting certain words or struggling to find them some days. When she’s doing better like this, my heart tries to hope. Then I have to grab a fly swatter and beat that hope to death because she isn’t going to get better. I have to take these moments and enjoy them before they slip away.

“Hey, Mom.” I walk over and kiss her forehead.

“These are my… friends. Uh…” She squints, and Miles leans forward, smiling at her the way he always does.

“Miles. Your favorite person. And my mom. Katie.”

“Right.” She looks up at me. “You two know each other?”

“Pretty well,” I say, looking down at him.

“Of course,” Mom says, absentmindedly. Then she looks around. “Where’s your father? I thought he was with you?”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Oh, he couldn’t make it today.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“I guess you’re stuck with us,” Katie says with a smile.

“There’s worse company,” Mom says.

I muster a weak smile. I need to focus on enjoying my time with her, but I can’t. My mind is a whirlwind of twisted emotions, each one bleeding into the next and overwhelming my thoughts. I wonder if this is what it feels like to go insane. Or maybe a lighter version of what my mother’s brain feels like. The desperate desire to piece all the information together and make it make sense, but it’s a near impossible task. For me, it’s trying to make sense of all the emotions, but I can’t hold on to any of them long enough to figure out what they are.

Miles pulls me onto his lap, and I try to focus on my mother and be present for our visit, but that room I tuck all the complicated things away in is slowly collapsing and the door doesn’t shut right anymore, so all those thoughts keep sneaking out and wreaking havoc on my mind.

I can’t get this stupid belt to sit right. I swear this dress fit me a week ago when I bought it for the baby shower. Now the damn belt keeps folding up at the bottom. Did my bump get that much bigger in a freaking week? I know I’m in the third trimester now, but it can’t be growing that fast, can it?

I growl as I unbuckle it and try again. It. Still. Folds. Up.

“Stupid fucking belt. Why can’t you just—” I forcefully unbuckle it as Miles appears behind me.

“Whoa. What did that belt do to you?”

“It’s a piece of shit.” My voice is snarky at best and he notices.

“Then maybe you should skip it.” He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls the belt off. It’s a blue and white vertically striped linen dress. The belt is chunky and light brown.And demonic.

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