Page 5 of Family Like This

“I’m fucking scared, Macks,” I choke out, fighting with the tightness in my chest and the tears in my eyes.

She rests her hand on my arm and gives it a little squeeze. “Close your eyes.” I do as she says. “Take a deep breath. Tell me what you smell.”

“Coffee.”

“It’s the perfect smell, right? It’s shocking no one ever seems to be able to get a coffee-scented candle right. They always smell fake. I’m convinced there’s something about coffee brewing or chocolate melting that triggers the relaxation parts of the brain. So keep inhaling that. Now tell me what you feel.”

She purposely presses her finger tips more firmly into my arm.

“You squeezing my arm.”

“Now tell me what you hear.”

“The coffee dripping. Cars outside.”

“At least there’s not a train going by,” she says soothingly. The tracks run right by the bakery so it’s loud as fuck when a train goes by. “Now,” she says softly, “open your eyes and tell me how you feel.”

I open my eyes and glance up at her. “My anxiety feels a little better, but I still feel like I’m going to break.”

“Then break,” she whispers, running her fingers through my hair. “You know you’re safe here. You’ve picked up my pieces more times than I can count. Let me pick up yours.”

I sniff as I nod, then give in to the sobs forming in my chest. I wrap my arm around her waist as she continues running her fingers through my hair.

“I don’t know how to do this, Macks. I want kids. I always have. But I’m scared and my anxiety is so high. I’m completely unprepared. And I’m not even with her. I want to be, but she’s… just as scared as me. How am I supposed to do this? Live separately from her? Only see my kid some days? How—how am I going to tell my mom?” I choke on my tears.

“With me right by your side. That’s the answer to all of it. I’ve got you. You know we all do.”

“I’m scared to tell everyone, too.”

“You’re scared because you aren’t in control.” I sniff and look up at her. She knows me too damn well. “You don’t have to be in control all the time. We’ll catch you when you aren’t. I know it’s hard for you, but there are things about this you’ll never be able to control, so you’re going to have to focus on different coping mechanisms. And I think you need to be more open with everyone else about your anxiety, too.”

I wipe my eyes and sit up, feeling pathetic. Amelia is literally growing our baby while she’s working right now, and I’m crying in my best friend’s arms.

“I feel like my life became a list of all the things I have to do and face that I’m not ready for yet. And that makes me feel stupid and weak because by far I have the easier job.”

Mackie grabs my hand and squeezes. “This is a lot for anyone to handle. Especially when it’s a surprise and your relationship is complicated at best. You don’t have to have all the answers.” I frown at that, and she laughs lightly. “I know that’s a challenge for you, so we’re going to start tackling all the things we can do together. I’ll help you make lists and only pick on you occasionally when you get super type A.”

She smiles at me, and I let out a deep breath, squeezing her thigh. “Thanks, Macks.”

“You’re thanking me?” She cocks an eyebrow and shakes her head. “You’ve always been the one who holds me up when I want to fall to the ground and give up. Hell, you do that for all of us. Let us return the favor. Let me support you the way you’ve always supported me. You’re a cocky, slightly grumpy, controlling pain in my ass sometimes, but you’re also the best man I know, and I’ve got your back. Always.”

I smack a kiss on her cheek. “My wingwoman always. Even if we are in uncharted territory.”

She shrugs. “All the more reason you need me. And I know whatweneed.” Leaning forward, she grabs the bag of bagels off the coffee table and stands up. “Bagels. And I know the coffee smells good, but none for you. It’ll only make you more anxious.”

Hoisting myself off the couch, I follow her to the kitchenette. “Whatever you say, Mom.”

She rolls her eyes. “Shush, you. Be useful and use your long arms to get some plates.”

I smile softly and grab the plates, setting them on the counter.

Sighing, I lean against the counter and run my hands over my face. “Hey, Macks?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re my best friend.”

She grins at me. “Duh. I’m awesome.” She winks at me and turns back to the bagels while I focus on the only task I can handle at the moment—taking one deep breath after the other.

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