Page 110 of Family Like This

Rae’s face lights up. “Yeah. He was. I’m crazy proud of him. Still feels a little strange to not be working full time like I thought I would be, but it means I’m doing the fast track through my master’s program, which is nice. I do have outreach stuff later this morning, though.” She turns to me. “How are you doing?”

“I don’t know. Okay, I guess.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “Fine, I feel like crap, but I’m not breaking down, either, so it could be worse.”

“Fair enough. Have you talked to her at all?”

“I texted her briefly last night to make sure she didn’t need anything, but I’m trying to respect her wanting space. God, I hate that word. The more it plays in my mind, the more it feels like space to find a new apartment or space to figure out a custody arrangement.”

Rae grabs a mug from the cabinet. “You know that’s not what it is. She wouldn’t have asked for space if she didn’t want to be with you.”

“That makes no sense.”

“It makes sense because we often have the hardest time opening up to the people we care about the most. Vulnerability is difficult for most people. That’s why it’s easier to open up to a stranger you’ll never see again or a therapist who you’re paying than it is to open up to someone you love. When you’re with someone who knows you well, being vulnerable not only means being raw and open with them, but with yourself. It’s scary based on how they’ll react, but also what you’ll have to face. I’ve been there. It takes a lot to overcome those fears.”

“I thought we had or I thought we were stronger than this.”

She pours some coffee into the mug, then reaches around me to get creamer out of the fridge.

“You mean you thought you wouldn’t end up with someone like me or Sarah or Aaron who struggled to open up.”

“I didn’t say that.”

She gives me a knowing smile. “You didn’t have to. You thought you had all the secrets because you watched us suffer. People and relationships are complicated. You don’t magically get a good one. You have to work at it.”

“I’m open with her.”

“Okay, assuming that’s true, take a look atwhy.You like to be in control and don’t like leaving things unsaid. If you could’ve hid your anxiety from her, would you?”

I stare at her, hating that she’s right.

“How do you do that?”

“See through your shit?” She shrugs. “I don’t know, but you always see through mine, too.” She swirls a spoon through the mug of coffee, then pulls it out and puts the mug in my hand. “Drink.”

I take a long sip and groan. “Fuck, I forgot how good A’s coffee is. It’s barely been six months since we were all living together, but it feels so much longer.”

“A lot has changed for all of us. But for the most part it’s been good change.”

“Yeah, it has.” She puts the creamer back in the fridge and stands against the counter across from me. “No coffee for you?”

She shakes her head, a small but hopeful smile on her face. “Aaron and I are officially trying. I’m not expecting anything to happen this month, but it’s best to be off caffeine just in case, so I’m trying to adjust now. Which is why Aaron got me the espresso maker, and tons of decaf pods for it, so I can still have a coffee drink in the morning, even if it’s not his.”

“He gives every single one of us a bad name with the way he dotes on you.”

She laughs out loud. “Bullshit. Have you not met Joel? If Sarah didn’t want to walk through a puddle, he’d lay down so she could use him as a bridge.” She pokes me in the chest. “Have you not met yourself? I love our friends and family, but no one protects like you do. That’s us. I know it’s more with Amelia. She’ll come around, give her time. And we’ll all be checking in on her. I won’t spy for you, but I will let you know how she is after girls’ night tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”

“No big deal.”

“It is. You didn’t have to claim her as one of us. It means everything to me that you did.”

“We all love her. Speaking of which, have you talked to your mom?”

“Yeah, I called yesterday morning. She was quiet about it. Eerily quiet.”

“Because she knows it’s not a breakup and that there are no teams.”

“No teams?”

---