Page 37 of His Innocent's Passionate Awakening

Luca drew in a harsh-sounding breath and released it in a stuttered stream. He placed his hands on his hips, his shoulders hunched forward. ‘You’re young and inexperienced, of course, you’re going to think the first person who makes love to you is the love of your life. But believe me, I am not that person.’ His expression was like a walled fortress. Closed. Locked.

Keep out or face the consequences.

‘You are that person.’ Artie choked over the words as emotion welled in her throat. ‘You’ve been that person from the moment we kissed at our wedding. Something happened that day—I knew it on a cellular level. And—’

‘Will you listen to yourself?’ His tone had a cutting edge that sliced at her self-esteem like a switchblade. ‘You’re spouting forth a fairy-tale fantasy. It’s not real, Artie. You’ve fashioned me into some sort of romantic hero who ticks all the boxes for you. You need more life experience. You need to date other men so you can gain more perspective. You’ll thank me in the end. Tying yourself to me indefinitely would be a mistake. A mistake you’ll regret for the rest of your life.’ He turned away from her, drawing in another ragged breath, his tone softening. ‘Let’s leave this for now. I don’t want to upset you.’

Artie swallowed a tight restriction in her throat, tears stinging at the backs of her eyes. ‘But you’ve already upset me by not accepting that I love you. You’ve dismissed it as if I don’t know my own mind. I know what I feel.’ She banged her fist against her chest for emphasis. ‘I can’t deny my feelings or ignore them as you seem to do. They’re here with me all the time.’

Luca turned back around and opened and closed his eyes in a slow, God-give-me-strength blink. ‘Look, you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, cara. You have so much to offer and I want you to be happy. I really do. But I’m not the person to make you happy. It’s not in my skill set. I don’t want the same things as you.’

Artie pressed her lips together for a moment to stop them from trembling. ‘I think you do want the same things but you don’t feel you deserve them because of what happened to your father and brother. I understand that more than most people, because I’ve experienced the same guilt for the last ten years. It completely imprisoned me, kept me from having a life of my own. But meeting you changed that. You freed me from my prison of fear and showed me I could have more than I ever thought possible.’ She came up to him and placed her hand on his forearm. ‘I know you have deep feelings locked away inside you. I feel it every time you kiss me. I feel it every time you make love to me.’

Luca brushed off her arm as if it was soiling his sleeve, his gaze hard, his mouth tight, his firewall still up. ‘You’re mistaking good sex for something else. It’s an easy mistake to make, especially when you’re not very experienced. But in time, you’ll gain experience and realise this is just a crush, an infatuation that can’t last.’

‘I don’t have to be experienced to know how I feel,’ Artie said. ‘They’re my feelings. I feel them. I own them.’

‘And I know how I feel and it doesn’t include the sort of love you’re talking about.’ He ran a hand over his face and continued, ‘I care about you, of course. I enjoy being with you but that’s all it is—companionship and mutual desire that has an end point, as per our agreement.’

Artie’s heart gave a painful spasm, and for a moment she couldn’t locate her voice. He cared about her and enjoyed being with her but that was all it was? How could she have got it so wrong? She was sure he was developing feelings for her—sure enough to reveal her own. He thought her young and gauche, a girl in the throes of her first crush. How could she get through to him? How could she prove she loved him? Or was it pointless? Was she fooling herself that he would one day change? Didn’t so many deluded women fall for that fantasy? The vain hope that in time, enough love would change their difficult men to the man of their dreams?

But what if Luca never changed?

What if he was incapable of it?

‘Luca, I took a huge risk in leaving the castello for you,’ Artie said. ‘Why can’t you take a risk and allow yourself to feel what I know is in your heart? I know it’s scary to admit how much you care about someone. And I know the last thing you want to do is be reckless and spontaneous but we’ve connected in a way people rarely do. Surely you can’t deny it? We have so much in common, can’t you see that? We’re perfect for each other.’

Luca turned his back, drawing in a deep breath, his hands on his hips in a braced position. ‘Stop it, Artie. This is a pointless discussion. You’re making me out to be someone I can never be.’

Artie ran her tongue over her dry lips, tasting the metallic bitterness of disappointment. She clasped her hands together in front of her body, trying to contain the emotions rioting through her. ‘You’ll never be free of the prison of the past unless you learn to let go of control. To allow yourself to be reckless with your heart, to open it to the feelings I know you’ve buried there. I’ve let go of control. I’ve opened my heart to you. Why can’t you do it for me? If you won’t do it for me, then it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to continue in a relationship that is so out of balance.’

‘It’s not out of balance.’ Luca swung back around to face her. ‘I made it so we both get what we want. At the end of six months, you get to keep the castello and Nonno completes his chemo. It’s a win-win.’

She shook her head at him. ‘It’s a lose-lose but you can’t see it. I would choose love over a run-down old castle any day. And how are you going to explain the end of our marriage to your grandfather?’

He gave a dismissive shrug. ‘Marriages break up all the time. It won’t matter by then because he’ll have finished the course of treatment. As I said—win-win.’ His tone had a businesslike ring to it. No emotions. Ticking a box. Deal done.

Artie steepled her fingers around her nose and mouth, concentrating on keeping calm even though inside she was crumbling, the very foundations of her under assault as self-doubts rained down on her. She wasn’t worthy of his love. She wasn’t good enough. She was defective, damaged. He didn’t love her. He would never love her. He had only married her as a means to an end, and yet she had fooled herself he was developing feelings for her. She was a fool for thinking he felt more for her than companionship and care.

Her old friend panic crept up behind her...lurking in the background.

You can’t survive on your own. Stay with him. Put up and shut up.

Her skin prickled, fear slid into her stomach and coiled around her intestines, squeezing, tightening.

You’ll lose the castello if you leave him now.

But Artie knew she couldn’t lock herself in another prison. Staying with Luca in a loveless marriage for the next few months would be the same as locking herself in the castello. Shutting herself away from her hopes and dreams. From her potential.

From love.

She couldn’t go back to being that frightened person now. She had to forge her way through with the strength and courage Luca had inspired in her. He had awakened her to what she most wanted in life and it would be wrong to go backwards, to silence the hopes and dreams she harboured. She owed it to herself to embrace life. To live life fully instead of living in negative solitude.

Artie lowered her hands from her face and straightened her shoulders, meeting his cold gaze with a sinking feeling in her stomach. ‘I don’t think there’s any point in waiting out the six months. It will only make it harder for me. It’s best if I leave now.’

A ripple of tension whipped over his face and his hands clenched into fists by his sides. ‘Now? Are you crazy? You can’t leave. We made an agreement.’ There was a restricted quality to his voice. ‘You’ll lose everything if you leave now.’

Artie sighed. ‘I can’t be with you if you don’t love me. It wouldn’t be healthy for me. It would only reinforce the negative feelings I’ve had about myself in the past. That I’m not worthy, that I’m somehow the cause of everything bad that happens to me and those I care about. I need to leave that part of my life behind now. I need to embrace life as a fully awakened adult woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it.’

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