Page 62 of Reaper

I nod at the screen. “There are a couple of girls around here that seem nice. I could start with them.”

She nods, and her glasses slip. “I think that’s a good first step, but you’ve never had issues with women. They are your comfort zone. I think it would be good for you to try and make a friend who is male. Remember that you can’t trust your instincts right now. They are in fight or flight mode, so rely on other tells. What are some red flags you can look for?”

“Being too touchy-feely. I don’t think I would trust a man who wanted to have his hands on me all the time. Not if we’ve just met.”

“That’s a good one. Especially if you set the expectation that you would like your space. What’s another?”

“Violence. If they are quick to anger or raise a fist, I don’t think that’s a good thing.”

“With your past, I can see why this would be an immediate red flag. Any others?”

“We talked about gaslighting before. Can you remind me of what to look out for?”

She smiles. “Of course. If they are trying to make you believe your recollection of events is different than you believe. Acting like you are overreacting when you are having an appropriate response to a situation. Trying to convince you that you are wrong. Making you doubt yourself and your ability to see the situation for what it is.”

I take a deep breath. “Okay. I think then I would look for a man to do those things to me. I have to be confident in myself and know that I cannot always take someone at their word. I need to reflect upon myself and see how I feel about it.”

“It’s always a good idea to check in with yourself no matter the situation. Until you can learn to trust your gut again, you have these tools to analyze the situation.”

“I think I am going to try this out. Maybe on a smaller scale. Start with a group of people I already kind of know. Work up to something bigger.”

“Baby steps are still steps. What were you thinking?”

“Where I’m staying, they have some get-togethers sometimes. I could see if my friend would take me. Get to know some of the guys I haven’t met yet in a controlled situation.”

“That sounds like a safe way to explore. Do you think this friend will? Do you trust him to respect your boundaries?”

I nod. “He has been respectful of every boundary I’ve set so far. He’s the one who set all of this up for me. I believe he truly wants me to get better. To be more myself, whoever that is now.”

“Sounds like to me you identified a green flag. Someone who is taking an interest in you in a purely selfless way.”

I want to scoff. Do I believe he is truly selfless? No. I think he has his own reasons for doing what he is doing, but I’ll take it for now.

“There is this other guy here I met. He seemed violent at first, but I think it is because I found him at the gym. He has been kind and offered to teach me self-defense. I think I could learn to trust him too. He hasn’t done anything to make me feel uncomfortable.”

“This is news. Are you saying you didn’t immediately feel the need to run?”

I shake my head. “At first I cowered, but after speaking with him for a few minutes, I relaxed. I feel like he is trustworthy. Something about him screams protector. You know what I mean? He didn’t try to hurt me, but instead offered to teach me skills to protect myself.”

“That sounds promising. Is that something you want?”

I nod. “I want to know how to defend myself should the occasion arise. I never want to feel helpless again.”

“Perfect. These are all steps in the right direction. When do you see him again?”

I rub my lips together. “We train tomorrow morning, but I know he will be at the get-together tonight.”

“Good. If you feel comfortable, you should go. You will have people you know who can be your safety net while expanding your horizons a bit.”

I let out the breath I was holding. “I think I want to try. I’m not sure I’ll like it, but I would like to at least make the effort.”

“I want to hear all about it at our next session. We have a few more minutes. Is there anything else you want to discuss?”

I shake my head no.

“Okay. Same time next week unless you need me sooner.”

“Talk to you next week.”

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