Page 37 of Surviving Lies

“I talked to Ty.”

I had to blurt it out. If I hadn’t, I would have made the mistake of letting him make it all the way over to me. I wouldn’t have been able to control myself if he had.

And he stopped his advance, almost mid-step. But he kept his cool as I watched his face.

“OK,” he said. “And how did that go?” He made his way over to my dresser and leaned back against it, crossing his feet at the ankles, his arms across his chest.

Shocked that he was as calm as he was, I didn’t answer right away. Instead, I plopped on my bed, dreading having to move on with this conversation. But honesty was what I was missing with Ty; I wouldn’t be guilty of not being honest myself.

But it sucked.

“Becca?” he coaxed. “Are you guys back together?”

“No!” I almost screamed at him. “No,” I said more calmly. “But we ran into each other, and he finally gave me an explanation for what had been going on with him.” I couldn’t look at Gage. I even knew how this sounded.

“And do you believe him?” Gage asked.

Again, I didn’t answer him right away.

“Or do you think he’s saying whatever he’s saying simply because he’s jealous you’re seeing me?” Gage suggested. “Becca, look at me.” He walked toward the bed.

My body fell back on the bed and I looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at him. I knew I was being immature, not being able to talk to him. But I was confused. He was confusing me; him simply looking the way he did was confusing enough. Then I felt the bed dip as he sat on its edge. He lay his body next to mine, both of us staring at the ceiling as he reached for my hand, entwining our fingers. I turned my head in his direction as he turned to me.

“I’m not dumb, Gage. I’m sure that’s why he came clean.” Letting out a cleansing breath, I looked away again. I couldn’t concentrate with his whiskey eyes looking at me. “And I’m not jumping into anything. I’m just trying to be completely honest with you because that’s what I promised I’d do. And that’s what I would want.” I looked his way again, and he was still looking at me. “I know he, uh, wants us to get back together. I know that’s his end game.” I held his gaze to see his reaction when I told him.

A small nod was all I got. Then he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to face him, our bodies belly to belly.

“Becca, this” – he gestured between us with his hand – “between us, whatever we want to call it, is supposed to be easy, fun. Not stressful. I’m not here to make your life hard or miserable. I knew what I was getting into when we started this. I knew he was still in love with you.” A gentle hand came to rest on my cheek, then pushed the hair behind my ear. “Just make sure he’s doing this for the right reasons. Make sure he’s not backed against a wall because ofusand feeding you shit you just want to hear.”

Trying to juggle two guys just became very difficult. I’d suddenly realized that anything each of them said to me made sense. When Ty explained the situation with his parents and his senior year of high school, I could feel the tension in his voice. I felt he was telling me a truth he was living. As much as I’d been telling myself he’d been lying to me, what he was truly doing was withholding information. Although not great, there was a difference. And when he finally divulged what had come between us, I felt like we might work toward something. Maybe, in the future.

But then Gage threw a comment like that at me, and it made complete sense. Tywasbacked against a wall, at least in his head. He felt threatened by me being with another guy, and he felt the need to do something, to tell me something.

And when Gage referred to us asus, it did something to me on the inside. I needed to make sure to keep this casual with him, to keep our emotions out of it.

This was all so confusing. I had no idea which way was up anymore.

“I can see the wheels turning in your head,” Gage said.

I lifted my eyes to his. He was looking at me with compassion, almost a sadness on his face.

“It’s all so confusing,” I said. “I’m not confused about how I feel when I’m with you. Only about how that affects everything else in my life.” I put my hands under my cheek. If I didn’t, I knew they’d be touching parts of his body that would lead to us staying in this bed longer than I could, or should.

“That’s fair, and I understand being confused, Becca.” Reaching out, his thumb grazed my lower lip, playfully pulling on it. “I didn’t mean to confuse you. Maybe we need to slow things down a bit.” But as he said this, he dipped his thumb in my mouth, rubbing it along my bottom teeth.

And I didn’t know if I wanted to slow things down with him. Ty was giving mespace. Did I want Gage to be changing up what we had going on as well?

But he took my mind off of my own thoughts as his finger pushed further in, hitting my tongue, and I reflexively began sucking on it. A moan escaped my mouth, between my parted lips, as his hips pushed against mine. He eventually pulled his finger out and rubbed the wetness along my lips.

“Is this how you take things slower, Gage?” I said breathlessly.

“No,” he responded, “I didn’t quite get there yet.” A soft chuckle came from deep in his chest.

My eyes opened slowly to find him staring at me. I returned his stare, trying to read him.

“Are you OK with slowing this down?” I asked, actually nervous about his answer. “That wasn’t what we agreed on.”

He kept his head on the pillow but turned to look at the ceiling. Not a good sign. My hand instinctively reached out to his chest, rubbing the hard muscle through the cotton. His large hand came over mine, covering it. I could feel callouses on his palm, not expecting him to have hands that did manual labor. Then his head swiveled back to look at me before he spoke.

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