Page 21 of Surviving Lies

I froze, stopped and stared at her.

“I was doing it again, wasn’t I? Sorry, sometimes I just don’t know when to stop.” Lanie was good at keeping me from getting out of hand with my ramblings.

“Becca, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad for seeing him. You and Ty aren’t together. You’re free to do what you want, sweetie. I only want what’s best for you. If he makes you happy, then by all means, spend time with Gage.”

I looked her way to determine if she was sincere. She seemed to be, but I didn’t know how that made me feel. Having someone give me their blessing to move forward with Gage, someone other than me, made it feel . . . OK. Not wrong. Last year, we had this perfect little group at the beginning of the year. Me, Lanie, Ty, Xander, and Logan. Well, things spiraled out of control since then. The only constants since then were that Lanie and Xander were still a couple, and Lanie and I were still best friends. And Logan? Well, he wasn’t even back at school yet. His story was a sad one filled with too much drinking that swayed his decision-making skills. So hearing Lanie tell me she thought it was acceptable for me to move on with someone new was big. Another monumental change to our group.

“Yeah, he makes me happy. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like I need to think about anything else other than what we’re doing at that moment. He, um ...” I stammered my next words, afraid it might change her mind. She waited patiently in her seat, allowing me the time to find my words. She never pushed me; it was one of her best qualities.

“He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to keep it casual. I guess he’s looking for a fuck buddy?” I waited for her opinion to change, for her to gasp in disgust at the idea of it. But she continued to sit, content and waiting for me to continue. “That doesn’t bother you? That he only wants to hang out, have sex, and nothing serious?”

“Well, it only bothers me if it bothers you. Does it? He was honest, upfront, right from the start. Seems like that’s what you’ve been wanting. I don’t know why that would be a problem.” She raised her eyebrows a bit before continuing. “How many relationships in college are really more than short-term things or hookups? I mean, at least you know going in. And let me guess, he’s heading back home when he’s done with school, is that why?”

I think Lanie and I were the only girls on our floor last year in long-term relationships. Everyone else was doing exactly that: hooking up. Very casual sex or short-term things that didn’t last. Lanie was right. I’d been desperate for honesty, and Gage was giving me that. Plus, he was offering me time with him with no strings attached. When I thought of it that way, it seemed like an easy decision.

“Plus,” Lanie went on, “who wouldn’t want sex with that god? He’s ...” She stammered a bit as her face turned a pale shade of pink.

“He’s fucking hot is what he is. It’s OK to say it. Doesn’t mean you’re cheating on Xander. Gage isXanderhot.” She laughed out loud at that – we both did. “But here’s the thing. I don’t know if I’m ready to be rid of Ty forever. I told him I need him to change, to figure it out. What if he tries to do that and I’ve started this thing with Gage?”

Once I said that, Lanie got very serious, turning in her seat to face me head on. “Here is where I turn your advice to me right back on you. I’m not saying you should use Gage, but he’s already said he wants casual. As long as you’re honest with him about Ty, you never know. It might give Ty the kick in the ass he needs.” The twinkle in her bright blue eyes brought me back to the conversation we had last year. I gave good advice, but she never took it. Things either worked out for her and Xander or she decided it wasn’t the right path for her; I don’t quite remember.

But it feels like the right path for me.

“OK, so I have a plan. I’ll talk to Gage, tell him where I’m at with Ty, and see if he’s still interested in us having our ‘thing.’” My air quotes made us both giggle. I never expected to find myself in a hook-up situation.

“Your ‘thing’ will probably ruin you for every guy after him.” Lanie chuckled. She turned herself around and pulled the belt in place. “We should get going. Classes start in the morning, and we have a lot of groceries to unpack. Plus, I still want to cook dinner for Xander.”

But I was stuck on something she said.

“How will he ruin me?” I was genuinely confused.

She looked at me, stunned. “You don’t get that feeling? He seems like he’s going to be, well, pretty good at, ya know, this ‘thing’ you plan on doing with each other.” She looked embarrassed. And then I understood, because Lanie was never comfortable talking about sex. “He looks like he will be amazing in bed, Becca. There, I said it. He looks like he will know his way around a woman’s body. More than any guy here at college would, anyway.”

Lanie’s past with her ex and the trauma he put her through has made talking about sex a somewhat taboo thing for her. So the fact that she was in a relationship at all was a miracle. More amazing was that she was having sex with Xander. She didn’t talk to me about it. I was graced with hearing it through our paper-thin walls. But I heard it, loud and clear. And it appeared Xander was pretty good at it.

“Well, you might be right. He’s older, probably more experienced.” I put my foot on the brake, ready to start the car, but turned to her instead. “I like us talking about sex, Lanie. Can we do this more when you feel comfortable? I need to confide some shit in you sometimes, ya know. If you’re OK with it.”

Her sideways look told me she was shying away from talking about it again. But she smiled and nodded, and that was good enough. Her sessions with her therapist were definitely helping her. Lanie seemed to show us a new side to her each day, evidence she was getting better.

“OK, time to go. I’m sure our ice cream is liquid by now.” I put the car in gear and got us home.

Chapter 8

Ty

The drive to my hometown was only a few hours. It wasn’t ideal that I needed to go home so many weekends as a college student; weekends were the time for parties and having fun. But I didn’t have a choice. I had responsibilities at home I needed to tend to.

And my responsibilities were also my secret.

It was what I couldn’t tell Becca, at least not yet. I wasn’t ready.

But this time, I was running home the day before classes started.

The night before, in Becca’s room, destroyed me. I needed to get away. And the only person I thought of seeing was Logan. So I drove home. Logan knew I was coming, and thankfully this was a day he had free. He was in a voluntary treatment program for his drinking and mental health, while doing online school as well. Some days he was at his facility all day, but not today.

I pulled into his driveway but didn’t get out. Being back in my hometown, but not going to my house, gave me an odd feeling inside. It felt wrong to not go home, to not let them know I was in the area. But I needed this break, this time for me to see my friend without that added responsibility. I shot Logan a text.

My phone buzzed.

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