Page 58 of The Fishermen

“Where do you see yourself in five years, Leland?”

“Not this again,” he said, annoyed.

“Answer me.”

“I already did.”

“Yes, the art-bar, which I still know nothing about. I need a broader answer to the question.”

“You know I hate that question—”

“Answer it anyway,” I insisted.

“What does that have to do with any of this? With right now?”

“I can’t afford to only account for right now,” I said.

“You’re acting like you were happy. Like life was a fucking dream before I came along and made things complicated. You were searching, Franky. Searching for—” He clamped his mouth shut before sayingme, but it was there between us anyway.

“You were searching for…something. You were unhappy when we met on that roof. You left your home to move in here. You took a sabbatical from your job. Hell, from your fucking life!” His voice rose an octave. “But now you’re looking at me as if somehow your misery is my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, Leland. But if you want me to make a permanent decision that will inflict maximum damage to those I care about, you better damn well know that you’ll want me long after the excitement and newness of this has ended,” I said with equal passion. “Because good sex—life-altering sex even—can only take a relationship so far.”

“I don’t know, Franky,” he said unconvinced. “It kind of sounds like you’re blaming me.”

“I’m not,” I swore. “I’m not blaming you for the condition of my life, but do you understand why leaving Selene, why risking a further divide between myself and my kids isn’t something I can take lightly?”

“Are you saying that if at some point down the road we don’t work out you would regret walking away from your marriage? Because your decision to leave shouldn’t just be dependent on me. You aren’t happy with her. Not anymore.”

That was only partially true. It was myself that I’d been most discontent with. The type of ostentatious life I’d been living, the type of unfulfilling work I’d been doing, the type of father I’d been...

And yes, I’d been missing the kind of human connection I’d found with Leland, but to say I would have ultimately walked away from it all would’ve been a lie. Outside of taking some time away, I hadn’t known what I planned on doing. Not in the long run.

“I know it feels like we’ve known each other forever, but in terms of actual time it hasn’t been that long. Not nearly long enough to base a rash decision on.”

“So, what, you need more time to fuck me in private and keep Selene in limbo before you can be sure that I’m worth the risk? Is a year long enough? Two?” he asked. “I don’t get it. You were planning on walking away from her before I got here. Weren’t you?” Leland asked, his eyes rounding with childish hope. I wanted to race over and take him into my arms.

“Probably not,” I said gently. “I would’ve liked to believe I would have, but ultimately, I don’t think I would’ve found the courage to. Because I don’t think I would have discovered what it was I needed to make me whole if I hadn’t discovered you. And I doubt I’ll ever find another you, Leland.” I loved building things with my bare hands, but doing so alone in that house for the summer wouldn’t have been enough of a catalyst to make me uproot my life. It wouldn’t have been the thing that left me feeling full. “There’s no one else like you, Leland.”

“Not even Theo?” he whispered.

“Not even Theo,” I whispered back.

His mouth and jaw softened, as if he’d finally understood where I was coming from. This wasn’t as simple as me finding someone else if he and I didn’t work out. Therewasno one else. The feelings I had for him were solely based on, and reserved for, him. What I’d been missing was him.

I’d said I would enjoy this for as long as I could. Until the end of summer, which was barreling down on us swiftly. But now we were dreaming up the possibility of more, and it terrified me.

I loved Selene, and I could walk away from Leland now and go back to my old life and find some measure of peace because I’d know that other than him there was nothing else out there in the world for me. But I couldn’t break their hearts for anything less than forever with him.

“So tell me, please, Leland. Where do you see yourself in five years?”

Leland regarded me as if I were the biggest idiot he’d ever come across before whispering, “Somewhere still wanting you.”

My breath hitched, and I rose to my feet, kicking the bottles over and sending them rolling in opposing directions. “Are you sure?” I asked from the foot of the bed, a death-grip on one of the spiked posts.

“Positive,” he said, scooting backward and watching me warily. I didn’t need a mirror to know my gaze had darkened, and I didn’t need to look down to know my cock was ready to pound into something.

“I’m not an easy man to deal with,” I warned him, planting a knee on the bed.

---