Page 93 of Switched At Birth

Ash is helping me with dishes when Devin walks into the kitchen with his hands in his pockets.

“Hey guys.” He’s looking at the floor, and is rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. “I’m sorry about before. Collin has been scared that…”

We want him to tell us in his own words how he’s feeling, and we wait quietly for him to explain.

“Well, shit, I guess we’re all feeling a little bit nervous. We’ve never had this.” He points to parts of the loft. “And it’s not the home, though this place is fucking bad ass. We don’t have to worry when we’ll eat next, if we’ll be locked out of our home, if the lights will be on. We all feel like this world will give us the cosmic fuck you, it always has, taking the best thing we’ve ever been given away from us. Which is you. But, we’ll do better. And you can send me back; just take care of Lainey and Collin.”

My eyes tear up, falling down my cheeks. Ash’s expression is different. It’s full of anger, and not toward the kids. Never the kids. Ash grew up with little, but he had his mother’s love, support, and affection.

“See, you’re mad. I’ll just pack up, but please, keep Lainey and Collin.”

He steps toward Devin. “Dev, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad that you’ve been taught to give up on people. But more so, I’m pissed that the people who should have loved you the most have given up on you. No kid should have to go through that. But, we’re not sending anyone back. And if you leave, we’ll just follow you and bring you back home, where you belong.”

His white hair frames his fair face, and his eyes widen in surprise. “Really? You still want us after today?”

Ash looks back at me. We both break for these kids.

“We want you. And it doesn’t matter if you’re mad, or I’m mad, or even if you get in trouble. Our love for you comes without strings attached to it. We love you all because you’re you.Don’t change for us, be you. I mean, we have rules and expect you to respect us and your siblings, but we want you. We like the kid you are. You’re wonderful.”

My heart is so fucking full, it’s about to burst.

35

Ashton

Lainey has tantrums,Collin is grumpy in the morning, and Devin is a slob, and still, I can’t find one reason not to love them. I’d tried to explain unconditional love to all three at various times in the three months we’ve lived together, but we continue to model it. Nothing they do could make us want to send them away.

And as we pack up our loft and say good-bye to this chapter in our life, the idea of living in a home, with personal space, a yard to run around and play football in, is so fucking wonderful.

Our life isn’t all rainbows and sprinkles. I get frustrated with the kids. They argue with us, just as I had with my own parents. They disobey us. Lainey has taken to purposely seeing how far she can push us before we send her packing. We never have, and never will.

Today is a good day. We’d hired painters to come in to the new house. All the kids picked out their own paint colors. Lainey chose green—dark hunter green. We installed shiplap on the wall her bed would be on, to offset the dark color in her room. She picked out a low-framed bed with a black headboard, using a white and ivory quilt Evelyn made her, and white furniture. She’s very tidy and doesn’t like her shit out of place.

Collin is similar to his sister, wanting the same, but with rich navy walls, but only half way up. We installed, or rather, Carl installed hand rails, painting the top half white. Collin is practical, wanting similar furniture to Lainey’s but everything black.No girly whitehe insisted.

Devin was simple. Gray walls. Black furniture of our choosing. After all, he has a year left of school. He’s determined to stay local, thinking he can’t afford Lourdes, but Noah’s parents have already put aside tuition for his first year. We don’t want to overwhelm him, thinking the tuition is a condition of our love, so we’ll wait to share Evelyn and Carl’s gift with him at a later date.

We’ve loaded up most of our furniture, taking it to the community center down south. We decided to start over with a new style, and new furniture, but our stuff was in good shape, no reason to waste it.

I stare at the empty loft, so open, with nothing in it. Noah’s arms wrap around me, and he rests his head on my shoulder, looking into our old home as I do.

“I’m going to miss this place, honey.”

I think of the memories, fucking me over the couch in the sitting area, the countless number of pancakes we’ve had for breakfasts over the last year—our studio, lying in bed with wine, completely naked, memorizing each other’s bodies.

“I am too, baby, but I’m excited about our new home and this new chapter.”

“Yeah. Me too. And just think, with us on a different floor than the kids, we can christen our bedroom, the right way.” Noah’s plan makes me want him now.

Kids make it a little harder to be spontaneous, and maybe he won’t be able to take me over the back of the couch, but our need for one another has never waned.

“Now with that visual, let’s get a move on. Your sister and Liam have the kids, and who knows what sort of trouble they’ll get into.”

I think about it for a second, letting a chuckle escape my mouth. “Those poor kids. After an hour with their aunt and uncle, they’re going to beg us for quality family time.”

Tia and Liam fight as much as they ever have. It’s honestly exhausting.

“Yeah, maybe we should let the kids spend time with our siblings more often.”

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