Page 30 of Sangria

Not yet, I want to bark out. “I. . . uh. . .”

“It’s fine, Levi, no one can see us, right?” She doesn’t wait for my answer as she steps into the pond nor does she test the water before she dives in. When she disappears under, I adjust myself again, knowing full well that I can’t take off my jeans without her seeing the issue I have growing.

Yet, when she surfaces, she beckons me with her finger, and I find myself quickly shucking off my boots, tossing my hat to the side and undoing my pants. I think about anything from planting a garden, working on my truck, to witnessing my parents going at it. That right there curbs my erection.

I dive in and swim toward her, popping up behind her. The cool water does exactly what I need it to do and keeps my hard on at bay. I’m going to have to learn to control myself around her mostly out of fear that she’ll think I have her here for only one reason.

“This is nice,” she says, turning around. Our legs touch often as we tread water and each time there’s a stirring of excitement.

“It is.”

Out of the blue, her hands grip my forearms. Her blue eyes bore into mine and her tongue darts out to lick her lips. There’s a slight tilt to her head, and for a brief moment I think she’s going to kiss me, but Night and Abby make sure that doesn’t happen when they start neighing.

zara

Seventeen

I don’t knowwhat I’m thinking or what has come over me, but the urge to kiss Levi is growing day by day. I don’t know if it’s the thought of kissing someone new that has me trying to make it happen or because I know that Van would be hurt if he ever found out. Thinking about Van’s feelings is enough to know that I can’t make a move on Levi. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us, and I can’t be certain that I wouldn’t be doing it as some sort of rebound.

But I can see it in his eyes that he wants to kiss me, and that makes the urge to follow through so much heavier.

The horses make my decision easier with their neighing. Once eye contact is broken with Levi, I swim back toward the shore, angry at myself for putting either of us in this position. It’s not long before I can hear him behind me as I struggle to put my shorts on over my wet underwear and pull my shirt over my head. Levi is there to help, though. I turn to face him and step back. He looks hurt and I know I’m the one that made him feel this way.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him as I shake my head. “Are you ready to go?” he asks. His voice is sweet and calm without a hint of anger toward me for ruining the mood. I don’t know what I was thinking, stripping down in front of him to go for a swim. I put us in an awkward situation that will likely be hard to overcome.

I nod and step back into my shoes, pocketing my socks. I am doing everything I can to hold back my tears. They’re out of frustration more than anything. It’s easy to say that I know better, but the truth is, I don’t. I have never been put in a situation like this because I have always been with Van.

Levi dresses as fast as he can, but since he has to put his boots on, it’s taking him a bit longer. I have to turn my back on him. I can’t watch him struggle with putting dry clothes on over his wet body especially when it’s my fault that he’s now in this position.

“I’ll help you up,” he says from behind me. As much as I want to tell him that I can do it myself, the truth is I can’t. There is no way I can get up on the horse or find my way back to his property without his help.

Levi instructs me to put my foot in the stirrup and to hold onto the horn like I did last time. I try to pull myself up, but my body is dead weight, and each time I try, Abby seems to want to move away from me, causing my legs to do the splits.

“Let’s try again,” Levi says patiently. We try multiple times until I inadvertently fall to the ground in a heap. There is no holding back the tears now though as I bury my face in my hands and sob as quietly as possible.

His strong arms wrap around me and pull me to his chest. Levi cradles me, keeping his hand pressed to my head as I cry into his shoulder. I can’t even begin to explain what has come over me other than frustration.

Yet, Levi doesn’t seem to see it that way. He maneuvers me onto his lap and rocks us back and forth, telling me that everything is going to be okay. He doesn’t even know what’s wrong with me and yet, he’s here, reassuring me that I’m going to be fine.

I wish I could believe him, but I can’t. Any day now Van is going to enter his rehab program, and people are going to start looking for me. They’re going to wonder where I am and when they don’t find me at home, the rumors will start flying. Coming here was the right decision, but being this close to Levi is not.

When my tears have stopped I pull myself away from him. I’m unable to look him in the eye as I stand and wipe the dirt off my now wet shorts.

“I’m sorry.”

Levi steps in front of me, so I have no choice but to look at him. “For what, Zara? Are you sorry that you’re going through a divorce? For hurting because the man you trusted destroyed the life you had built? I’ve been there before. I watched my high school sweetheart accuse me of ruining her life. I let her go because I loved her. She never saw my tears or cared that I went days without sleeping. I know our situations aren’t the same, but the pain is or was. I was heartbroken when Iris left and downright sick when I made the decision that the girls would go live with her. I get that you’re hurting, but you don’t have to hide it from me.”

He leaves me standing there, wishing I could tell him that not only am I hurting because of Van but that I’m also hurting because I’m attracted to him, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. My life. . . for what it’s worth, is a mess. It’s in shambles, and likely won’t be put back together anytime soon.

So why is my heart telling me to move on with Levi? Shouldn’t it be shutting down or putting a wall up? Instead, it beats excitedly when he’s near. My skin prickles with anticipation that he’s going to touch me with the words I want to say to him getting caught in my throat. These are not the signs of a woman who should be nursing a broken heart by taking time away for herself.

I find Levi petting the horses when I have finally gathered my wits about me. Maybe I should’ve followed Van’s path and checked myself into some sort of rehab, although there really isn’t one that helps you heal a broken heart. But is it broken?

I don’t feel like I did when I first found Van cheating on me. Those days that followed were my worst and brought up so many memories of my father walking out on us. I finally understood what my mother went through, how much pain she was in, and why she couldn’t eat or sleep.

I definitely don’t feel like that anymore, and I haven’t since I met Levi. It’s almost as if he’s opened my eyes to something better, greater even. And maybe it’s because we have nothing in common that I feel this way and this could be my mind telling me that Levi is the one for me, the one that is going to help me heal and move on from Van.

“That breakdown you witnessed. . .” I start to say but pause when he looks at me. One would think that he’d be angry that I ruined the moment, but he’s not. He’s concerned, and it shows in his eyes and the way his stance softens when I’m near. “I think it was a combination of heat, exhaustion and—”

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