Page 10 of The Girl I Once Loved

The rain drums a depressing rhythm on the windowpane behind me, and I’m tempted to dash back through the door, escape this before it even starts. But I force myself to take each step until I’m standing by our usual table, and then sitting in the chair across from him, soaking in the atmosphere heavy with tension.

He looks…exhausted, like he hasn't slept all night. His dark hair is disheveled, and his usually bright brown eyes are clouded with uncertainty. I’m responsible for this turmoil…his pain. After all,I'mthe one who can't seem to let go of the past, who can't fully commit to a future with him.

I take a sip of my coffee, and it doesn’t taste as sweet as it normally does. In fact, its bitterness mirrors the ache in my heart.

I should say hello. I should ask if he’s slept. But instead…

"Gael, we don't need a break," I immediately say, unable to keep the words in, my voice shaking. "I just...I need some time to get my head on straight, to figure things out. I don't want to lose you."

It’s not a lie.

Even if it’s also not entirely the truth.

He leans forward, his elbows on the table, his fingers tapping nervously on the surface. "Sky,” he murmurs, closing his eyes like he’s in pain. I shudder when he opens them again and I see all the hurt in their depths. “We can’t be a never ending circle. You won't let yourself fall for me, and you won't let yourself love me. I’m hopeful—” he stops and drags his hand down his face. “I’m hopeful that a break will let you find yourself…so you can find me.”

I lower my gaze, unable to meet his intense stare. "I don’t need to find myself, Gael,” I murmur. “I just…I just need time.”

“And that’s what I’m giving you,” he says, lifting his chin.

I know if I could say those three little words, he would melt. He would forget about the break. Welcome me back with open arms.

It would be so easy. People say them every day.

They say they love their friends, or someone’s hair, or the fucking weather.

It’s just not somethingIcan say easily.

I open my mouth and he stares at me—hopeful. “I—” I begin, willing myself to get them out.

But just like I can’t getmystory on paper, I can’t getmywords across my tongue.

Gael sighs and stares away, before his gaze comes back to my face, like he can’t help himself.

He reaches across the table, his hand covering mine, his touch lacking the warmth and reassurance it usually has. "I can't keep waiting for you to decide if you want this or not. It's not fair to either of us."

I feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I blink them away. "I know, Gael. I know I've been difficult, and I'm sorry for that. But please, just give me some time. I promise I'll work through my issues, and we can be happy together."

I’m begging at this point. And it’s embarrassing and…unnecessary. But I can’t seem to help myself.

He sighs, his thumb gently caressing my hand. "I want to believe you, Sky, but you've been saying this for so long. I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I'm constantly wondering if you're going to pull away."

"I won't," I whisper, my voice breaking.

He just stares at me silently. Because we both know every word coming from my lips is a lie.

The weight of us… hangs heavily between us. We sit in silence, both lost in our thoughts. The coffee shop buzzes with the usual sounds of conversation, all of them oblivious to the storm between us, the one that echoes the storm outside.

Finally, Gael breaks the silence. "I’ll be at the wedding. I want to be there for Derrick on his big day," he murmurs. “I guess…I’ll see you there.”

It’s not a surprise he doesn't want to go as my date, but it still feels like a knife in my ribs. Gael’s always been my buffer, the one to smooth out my awkward edges.

It’s bad enough that I’ll be going to the wedding at all. But now I’ll be going alone, facing two men who give me nothing but regrets…even if they’re for very different reasons.

"I understand,” I finally say. Because what else can I say? Except…

“It feels like…forever.”

I know he understands the words as soon as they pass my lips because there’s a knowingness in his eyes today. Like he’s trying to come to terms with the inevitable. Accept what I’m still unwilling to let go of.

---