Page 58 of A Court of Broken Promises

The walk back to camp was much, much more straightforward than the trek there had been. What took thirty minutes of following the ricocheting thud of an ax took no more than ten to follow our flickering fire back. Sound echoed strangely out in the wood. I’d read about that phenomenon, but it was another thing you needed to experience to really understand.

The whole time I tripped my way back to camp, I debated asking Elijah for help with my shielding. River was clearly useless as a teacher. Griffin would help if I asked, but he seemed like the kind of guy to somehow make me figure it out on my own. I’d tried that. It didn’t work. And I didn’t have the time or patience. I didn’t even want to imagine the type of training E.Z. would provide. Aiden seemed reasonable. Maybe eventually, I’d feel comfortable asking him for help, but I didn’t know him well enough yet. That left Elijah, and I almost preferred River over that option.

Ash was always a great teacher when we were younger. Putting aside his obvious annoyance, Ash would tell me everything he knew about any subject. Anything he didn’t know, he’d look up and bring me all the information he’d found.

When I was younger, until I was maybe eight or nine, he would review his findings with me. We would curl up on the couch or lay on my bed, shoulder to shoulder, sharing the book. He read the passages he discovered and explained them to me in a way I could understand. Eventually, I started to prepare a counterargument to draw out the conversation. I loved it.

He would scribble notes on scraps of paper and stick them in the margins as placeholders. I kept them as he tossed them aside. Every one of them.

Some notes were simple, like, “See, I was right” and “Read this part over later.” When I grew older, they became more detailed. “No dragons or mermaids in Adaria. Dragons have gone extinct. See below.” Further into the book, there would be another tab. “Mermaid sightings are frequent in the Southern countries on the far shore of the Ephemaura Ocean, not in Water Region. Never this far north.”

Ash’s scribbles were shorter or longer depending on his mood and the subject manner. The message sometimes had more bite or felt angrier for the same reason. But they were always there, never failing, stuck in a book that he spent time finding amongst thousands of others in the library for me. None of them were personal, but I kept them, nonetheless.

Ash was seventeen when he stopped playing. He still shoved notes in the margins of books; he just handed them through Liam instead. My heart ached every time he did. I was eleven and starting to find our debates the highlight of my life.

I stopped asking him questions when it became clear he wasn’t enjoying it anymore and started being short with me, instead. It was not as much fun, anyway. He had stopped reviewing the information personally, and his notes became more direct and scientific.

I pulled Elijah to a stop just as the camp came into view. Absolutely dreading his reaction, I was awkward and feeling a little unbalanced and floppy. Why did my tongue feel so heavy?

“Elijah.” I moistened my lips. My tongue was entirely too thick. “I can’t shield. River tried to teach me, and it didn’t work. She makes no sense and talks about walls but wouldn’t tell me what a wall is, echoes my thoughts back at me, and then confuses me further. And, ugh, she was so frustrating.” I paused, taking in Elijah’s raised brow and impatient scowl. What was I going on about? That was absolutely terrible. I knew it. He knew it. Why is this so hard? We had just talked, and it was fine.

I took a deep breath and started again. “I guess I’m saying that having River in my head was awful and made it impossible to concentrate. And yeah, I’ll try on my own, but…” Deep breath in. Deep breath out. “Would you help me with my shields?”

I held my breath, waiting. I was always giving Elijah one more chance. Always the one asking him for a small effort to be who we used to be. I took the first step — as I had many times before— begging Elijah to give me something.

Elijah looked at me for so long, saying nothing, that I wasn’t sure he would respond. He seemed to consider whether helping me was a good idea or not.

I understood his concern.

We had avoided each other for almost three years. Before that, our bickering always escalated into massive arguments. After I’d turned seventeen, we stopped acknowledging each other altogether. It wasn’t worth the effort. If I was required to attend the same event, I avoided Elijah at all costs. It should have been challenging to accomplish with my best friend being his brother, but Elijah seemed to avoid me just as effectively.

Elijah eventually nodded. “I have something that may help. Good night.” He left me standing at the edge of the clearing. He stacked the wood near the fire, gathered his bag, and began to prepare himself for bed.

I stared after him, confused. That was all he was giving me? I wished we hadn’t returned to camp and had held onto our fragile peace a moment longer. But that was a dangerous thought, and I pushed it away.

Aiden, Griffin, and E.Z. were sitting around the fire trying to pretend they hadn’t watched that entire disaster. In turn, I pretended they weren’t there. I crossed to my bedroll and got ready to sleep, avoiding eye contact with everyone.

River, who I did need to talk to, was snoring away on the bedroll beside mine. I wanted to know more about the type of personal item I would need and should have confirmed it was done before finding Elijah, but I wasn’t thinking. That added one more concern to my pile.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I saw flashes of Elijah’s bare back as it glistened and flexed. My body heated. I threw away that visual, rolling onto my back and looking at the stars, which immediately made me think of kissing Griffin under the stars.

I rolled onto my side and watched the fire dance in the darkness, not really seeing it at all. I needed to calm down. I was getting easily flustered lately and overwhelmed by everything, reading into things. My body was going haywire. I was generally much more level-headed, but my mind was racing with dangerous thoughts, and I didn’t know what was going on with me.

I tried to convince myself I kissed Griffin in thanks. It was a momentary lapse of judgment that I only regretted because I was tempted to do it again. Then I dreamed about Griffin’s smell, something I only noticed while my face was buried against his skin. I wanted to crawl into him and let him hold me, and protect me, and accept me. I wanted to fall asleep, held in his arms, warmed around the fire. How crazy was that?

Then there’s Aiden. If E.Z. hadn’t interrupted us earlier, I don’t know what my body would have done to Aiden. It was not listening to me at all.

Liam and I had never gotten that close. I didn’t tingle in his arms. When he held me, I enjoyed it. I liked to be held by him. I would love to be held by him again. But I didn’t tingle. I had known Liam for years and had never kissed him. We openly courted for months, but I didn’t long to crawl into his lap and inhale his scent.

I was grieving. I’d lost my father and best friend. My life was upside down. It was not surprising that I was acting out of character and irrationally. Grief triggers heavier emotions, or so I’ve read. I was grateful for their help and felt guilty that they’d had to do this. I was sad and angry. All around, not myself. My reactions to these guys felt bigger than grief and gratitude, though. And I wasn’t successful in convincing myself otherwise.

E.Z. seemed to get annoyed with my tossing and turning after a bit. He reached over, holding my ankle from his bed at my feet. It settled me. And I fell asleep to the crackling fire, fresh air, and promises of an adventure tomorrow.

* * *

I was the last to rise the following day. Rolling onto my stomach and lifting my elbows and knees, I rose to stand.

I grabbed the pack River had given me and a canteen to rinse my mouth, then brushed my teeth. Last night, I was relieved to find a comb, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, and other scented lotions and creams in the pack. It would make life so much better. I needed to thank River again.

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