Page 21 of What Binds and Breaks

"Child, whatever for? You did nothing wrong."

I pull away to look up at him through teary eyes, frowning in confusion.

"I bit you. I- I hurt you," I mutter, reaching for his wrist as if to point to the evidence of my crime, but when I slide up the cuff of his sleeve, I'm startled to find his skin is smooth and unmarked. "You healed?"

"Were you worried about me, sweet girl?" Marco says, ignoring the healer as he peers down at me. The affection in his gaze softens the aching in my heart over what happened. "You merely took me by surprise. You weakened me and startled me, yes, but you did not hurt me, princess. Not truly. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"So you're not mad at me? But the Rovers were here because of me. All of this is my fault."

"Wolves protect their own. I cannot fault them for that. Nor you. You said these Rovers are your friends..."

"Yes," I say firmly. Even after everything that happened, I still believe that. Nico and Mark thought they were rescuing me, and I cannot blame them for what they could not understand. I can only imagine what this whole situation looks like through their eyes. "I am the one at fault for not having the strength to tell them the truth. I don't trust myself to face him, to face Tristan."

His name tastes like a broken promise on my lips, and I resist the urge to break down all over again. I've shed enough tears, and they won't solve anything. But I've never allowed myself to break down like this before. Back with the Banes, any sign of weakness was a weapon Oscar and Viktor would use against me, but my father, stiff and awkward as he may be... he lets me cry.

"They thought they were rescuing me," I mumble, almost to myself. "They cared for me; they're like my family."

"No," he says, shaking his head. His platinum hair cascades around his face, his voice gentle but firm. "You are the daughter of the Night King, and yet you fed on me to defend them. I am your family, but those wolves... they are your pack."

My pack.

There was a time when hearing those words would have brought me nothing but joy.

"Just as they risked entering enemy territory to rescue you, you did what you had to save them. It is like I said: wolves protect their own."

There is no judgment in his voice, and I realize he truly does not blame me for what happened. He does resent me for acting against him; he does not hate me for causing such chaos in his court.

I realize in that moment how extraordinary my parents truly are. In a world full of hate, my mother and father found each other, and they found it within themselves to trust and care for one another. Nature and destiny created them to destroy each other, and yet they chose love against all odds. Even if it incurred the wrath of the Goddess, there is beauty in that. Whatever fate I have been damned with, I cannot bring myself to resent them for it. I cannot bring myself to regret any of it.

"But I'm not one of them," I whisper sadly. "I'm a full-blooded nightwalker like you, and I'm not a proper wolf like them. How can I belong with any pack? I can't mindlink with anyone except for you. I can't even manifest my wolf and shift."

"Actually, I wouldn't be so sure about that," he says with a knowing twinkle in his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"You've never needed to drink blood because you are only half nightwalker, and you never shifted because you are only half wolf. But tonight, you fed for the first time. I believe there is great strength and power locked away within you, just waiting to get out. Perhaps tonight, you took the first step towards releasing it."

It's true. I've spent so long not knowing who I am, let alone what I am. I've been told over and over that I am broken, that I am defective and useless, and wrong.

But things have changed. I know where I come from, and for once, I get to choose what I become. At some point, I have to decide what I hold on to and what I let go of. All these tears I've held back, these words I've swallowed and left unsaid, these scars I've hidden...

Maybe it's time I let the monster out.

Chapter Fifteen

It's been weeks, and I still haven't adjusted to the nightwalker's schedule. My days and nights blur together.

It's often misty and overcast, and the vampire fortress is so high in the mountains that sometimes I cannot tell the difference between the clouds above and the fog that often fills the citadel.

It's early in the morning, and the sun barely starting to creep over the horizon. The sky is a curious shade somewhere between grey, black, and blue, and the last of the stars twinkle in the distance, clinging to the remnants of the night.

Most of the clan is either getting ready to sleep or already lost in slumber, but I sit by the ledge of my window, watching color seep into the landscape.

I haven't manifested a wolf as my father had hoped, but I do feel a shift since I fed. Something woke up inside of me, but I still can't bring myself to fully let it out. I've gotten too good at holding back. It's a survival mechanism that can't just get turned off. I suspect it will take time for the changes within me to fully take effect, but it feels closer somehow.

I wish I could be more excited about it. There is still a part of me that cannot let go of what I found with the Rovers. I know that if it wasn't because of them, I never would have gotten to this point. If it wasn't because of Tristan...

And now I'm close to shifting into my wolf form, and he won't be here to see it. Things were so much easier when I thought that was the only reason for us not to be together.

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