Page 58 of Tendu: Dancing in the Castle

He looked askance.

“You will. Of course you will. You’ll find someone like you: sophisticated, social and beautiful.” A silent sob gasped for air between my words. “We’re wrong for each other. That’s what it’s all been about. You just saw it first.”

“No. I am begging you, please do not be doing this. We cannot be finished.”

The conversation had to be finished. Everything else already was. I put my hand on his chest, a gentle mark of distance.

“I’m going now.”

Without looking back, I walked the last few steps up to my room, went in and shut the door. I wanted to turn the key, but it felt cruel, and I knew he wouldn’t come in. Not again. Not anymore.

Chapter 18

Itwassoverycold. The startling temperature offered mild distraction from the constriction in my chest, and the fact that I had apparently packed for summer provided a challenge. I left the Matryoshka doll set in the case and turned it face down. The fat mother looked disapproving, and I didn’t want to see her. It wasn’t easy to select an outfit that didn’t include clothes Aleks had given me, but I did my best with knitted ballet warm-ups and then sought cosier refuge.

Holly was in the kitchen. “What’s a do with ye, quiney?”

I told her.

“Oh man,” she said and proceeded to speak in clichés: he had it coming; better to do it now, not draw it out; there’s plenty of fish in the sea, a bonny quine like you…

Sometime later, still cold and shivering despite having sat on the old metal stove for an hour, I joined my friends for breakfast.

“You all right, Malph?”

“Hearst has a point,” said Justin. “What are you wearing? Where did you just come from?” He lowered his voice. “And what’s happened?”

It was difficult to look over at my friend, because Aleks stared from the staff table beyond, and I wanted to cry. “Well, you know…”

“The prick?” asked Will.

“Don’t call him that.”

“You dumped him.” Justin was thankfully still talking quietly. He leant forward and took my hand. “Good. He deserved kicking to the wall.”

“It’s not good. It was terrible.”

“Really? Did he cry?” He took my blankness as affirmation of the fact. “I knew he was a weeper. But it is good. You got out with your dignity intact, until this morning that is. Sweetheart, the leg warmers on the arms?”

“It’s so much colder today, and I hardly packed anything warm. All I have is knitted dance warm-up clothes. Holly says there’s this one shop that does next-day delivery for here. I’ve been looking at things on my phone.”

“Let’s see,” Justin requested, and then all but shrieked as he looked at the screen. Gone was all thought of sparing the room any detail from our conversation. “No, darling. Give it to me, give it, give.” He won the tussle for my phone, the phone given by— “You’ll thank me later. Now, let’s see how bad things are.” He clicked to the online basket.

“Don’t be cold, Treadwell.” Will pulled off his black zipped hoodie and put it over my head, and then his grey beanie hat too.

“Oh, preheated,” I said, pulling the sleeves down over my hands and sinking my face into the fleecy neck that smelled of comfort and crisps. “But you’ll be cold now.”

“I’m tough. Got another one anyway, and about six hats.”

Justin glanced up and gasped in horror. “You’re enabling her,” he accused Will. “You’ll think twice when you see how deep this goes. Look,” he said to the whole table, holding my phone out for them to see. “Thermal underwear with long sleeves and long legs, and the granny-style knitwear? We simply can’t allow it. As a group, we have to intervene when one of our number loses her grip on reality.”

“God no, how ghastly,” remarked Simone, making me want to buy the clothes even more. “They’ll make you look fat. Well, fatter.”

“Bitch,” Will muttered quietly.

Simone looked at him sharply, suspecting she’d missed something. It should have been funny, but life had become a plain and humourless process just to be got through. I had no willpower to fight Justin’s declaration that he would guide the online shopping later.

It took great resolve not to look at Aleks, especially in the lift as we sank below the ground on the way to class. He was so close. It was amazing how much the corner of my eye could see. He looked tired and unshaven and in need of a hug. My senses were still attuned and alert to him. I wanted to lift up his jumper and press my face to his skin.

---