Page 57 of Tendu: Dancing in the Castle

“What, angel? Speak to me. Don’t run off. Please.”

I faced him, angered by being made to explain the obvious.

“Well, what d’you think? I didn’t know if Simone was here again. It’s awkward, at least for me. I’ll swap rooms with Justin tomorrow.”

“But, for why?” He appeared genuinely perplexed. “I am listening to you, to all you say, and owning the responsibility. I try to speak to her twice in the day, yesterday. Both times Michelle interrupts, so Simone, she turns up here last night.”

I shut my eyes. Surely he wasn’t going to give some sort of detailed account?

“I apologised to her for my flirtatious behaviour, making clear is teacher-student relationship only, and then I assured her that I will not be inappropriate again.”

My eyes opened.

“She is saying she does not know what I am talk about, that she never think anything, and she go.”

His face was sincere. I waited to feel better.

“So, we are okay now?” He smiled and moved as if to kiss me.

I jerked back. “No.” A plain truth was spoken. “I can’t do this.”

“Malphia, you will let me explain further?”

My legs felt weak, and they bent easily to sit on a cold stone step as I listened to him.

“You were right,” he said. “When I see you arrive with your friends, I am thinking, ‘She is so young, what is this we are doing?’ Some distance is seem a good idea. Then I played a stupid game, trying to show that what you thought of me was wrong. I am not excusing,” he added. “My actions were immature and ridiculous and will never be repeated.”

“What about next time you get embarrassed?”

“No, this, it will not be.”

“Of course it will. The difference in our ages is a huge issue for you. Don’t deny it, because you mention it a lot. Sometimes just to tell me it doesn’t matter, but why would you need to do that? It never bothered me.”

“Because you are the younger one. So many things have contributed to my actions. I felt panicked that I would lose you, desperate even. Part of me is think, maybe, I would have more chance of holding on to you, if you see other women also find me attractive.”

“What?” I stood. I stepped away from him. I tried to think. A huge Gavin shaped hole had just materialised between us. “You’re saying it was my fault? I didn’t make you feel attractive, so you had to flirt with Simone?”

“No! Angel, no. My idiocy is all my own. I don’t deserve you. I know that. I don’t deserve a second chance. But my feelings for you? They are so new, and so powerful. What we have is too special to be thrown aside. You are dearer to me than anyone, anyone ever.”

I shook my head, more confused than ever, anyone ever. “I know you’re good with the pretty words, Aleks, but they’re not helping.” Memories from the week squared my shoulders. “And they’re not true. This wasn’t some ‘special, just for me’ routine. Older women than I have been unhappy to be treated this way too. There’s a blog.”

His face hardened. “Lilian is not writing all the truth of things.”

“Seemed pretty accurate. She wrote about how you would look over at her, to make sure she saw what you were up to. You did that to me.”

I headed upstairs. He followed.

“You are right, is unforgivable.”

“You’re forgiven.” My heart hurt and breathing was becoming increasingly difficult. “But I can’t be with you. It’s like being destroyed.” I pressed my fist into my chest, into the pain.

“Please don’t. Don’t be saying this. I love you.”

“You hurt me. You knew it, and you carried on. That’s not love. I don’t think I’d even do that to someone I didn’t like.”

“I do love you.” His beautiful face was distorted as if in grief. “So much. Never have I felt before. Show me what I must do to prove. I do anything.”

“You’ll get over it quickly, Aleks.”

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